I felt my face grow hot, and I knew I was blushing. "This isn't the place. . . ."
She gave me a little poke in the arm. "Stop being so shy. One more little bubble won't hurt."
I couldn't say no to her. And I was touched that she had dragged me into the center of her throng of fans. I turned my palms up and felt the electric sensation surge through them. I released a stream of hundreds of multi-size bubbles toward the ceiling, very Lawrence Welky. They caught the lights and shimmered, then vanished.
"It's so beautiful," I heard someone say.
"Bubbles will sign any autographs you want," said Tiff. She gave me a big grin, then took another piece of paper to sign. A group of Japanese tourists thrust autograph books at me and I signed them all. Then I posed for photographs with them. I guess I got caught up in the moment, because by the time I realized things were getting out of hand, it was too late.
The first thing I noticed was how loud it had gotten. I glanced around and saw that the crowd had swollen. I got up on tiptoes. The crowd was now at least fifteen people deep. We were standing next to the railing, and I saw that there were people lining up on the stairway and gathering on the lower level, too. Some of them were text-messaging. Others were taking photos.
I whispered in Tiff's ear. "We need to get out of here. The crowd is getting kinda big."
There was a slightly dazed expression on her face, as if the attention from the crowd had made her drunk. Then she shook her head, and she was back. "How do we get out?"
"Tell them to make a hole again," I replied.
"Make a hole!" she yelled.
A couple of people close to us shuffled away, but the rest of the crowd was so intent on getting closer, it pushed them back at us. An angry shout came from the rear. Parts of the crowd moved then, and I saw a gap.
I grabbed Tiffani's wrist and pulled her toward the opening. It helped that I was taller and bigger than her. It was easier for me to make people get out of our way. I heard a noise from below and glanced over the railing. People were pointing at us and running up the stairs. I knew we needed to get out of the mall fast.
There was a street entrance in Bergdorf's, but I didn't like the idea of pulling a big crowd into that store. Then I saw a small side exit between the Body Shop and Furla that we could slip out of quickly. We ran for it, with the camera guys hot on our heels. It was weird, but people rarely get in the crew's way.
We burst through the doors at street level and I looked around for the limo. They'd dropped us off at the Bergdorf's end of the mall, so I figured they should be nearby. Tiff was giggling. She gleamed in the afternoon light. "Oh, my gosh," she said with a half-laugh, half-hiccup. "This is so wild."
"You should power down," I said. "You're like a Christmas tree right now—all lit up."
"You got it, boss." I didn't have to look back to see that she had changed back. I could feel her soft flesh in my hand instead of the cool hardness of her power.
I saw the limo then. It was stuck in traffic on the opposite side of the street, with the cars trying to turn into the parking garage.
"There's the car!" Tiff yelled. She pulled her wrist out of my hand and started across. I heard a rumble, looked to my left, and saw a tourist bus coming. There was no time to say anything, to warn her to diamond up. I just leapt out and shoved her out of the way as hard as I could.
Then the bus hit me and I stopped thinking about anything else.
My body ballooned. Part of me realized this was good—we had a challenge coming up, and the bigger I was, the better. As I flew through the air, I heard the squealing and hydraulic hiss of the bus brakes. My body felt oddly weightless—until I crashed into the back window of a parked Lexus. The impact from that landing made me even bigger. I lay for a moment in the confetti of broken glass. It wasn't that I hurt, I just couldn't figure out how to move quickly at this size. Being hit by a bus, even if it didn't kill you, was disconcerting.
I rolled off the Lexus and safety glass rained onto the pavement. The bus driver was already out of his vehicle and coming toward me. "Holy crap!" he said. "Are you okay?"
Glass tinkled off me. "Just a little shook up."
"Michelle!" Tiffani ran over to me. She was diamond, thank goodness. Then she was brushing glass from my shoulders and making little tsking noises as she examined my torn pants and jacket. "Well, these are hopeless," she said. "Good thing you've still got your spending money."
My hands were itching, and I burned to bubble. It was always this way after a big surge of fat. By now, the limo had gotten free from traffic and was pulling up alongside us. One of the PAs jumped out. "Are either of you hurt?"
"Nah," Tiffani said. "We're built wild card tough."
There was a tap on my shoulder and I heard, "A thousand pardons, but is this your purse?" One of the Japanese tourists was holding out my bag.
My heart sank. I'd brought my favorite purse on this excursion, and now it was much the worse for wear. "Yes, it's mine," I said, taking it from her. "Thank you for bringing it back."
"Oh, if I had a purse this wonderful," she said, "I would be heartbroken if anything happened to it."
Tiff looked at my purse, then at the tourist. "It's a handbag. What's so special about it?"
"Oh my, that's a real Hermes Birkin," the tourist replied. "And if I'm not mistaken, it's a very rare color as well. In Japan, they sell for almost two million yen."
Tiff's eyes bugged out. "Two million for a purse?!"
"Tiff, that's in yen," I said. "The conversion rate is, like, totally insane." I wasn't about to tell her that at retail in the states, Birkins could cost from $15,000 to $50,000. Which was also completely insane.
"Okay, I confess, it's not a real Birkin," I said. I hoped my lie would mollify Tiffani.
"I'm certain that is a real Hermes," the tourist said. "There are certain distinguishing signs. . . ."
Why did I have to run into the one Japanese tourist with perfect English and an eye for overpriced accessories? I felt terrible. Tiffani had grown up so poor.
The crowd was swelling, traffic was backed up behind the limo, and I'd managed to dent the front end of a bus as well as destroy a Lexus. Our day of fun was rapidly turning into a gigantic horror show. I was trying to figure out what to do when Tiffani grabbed my hand, stood on tiptoe, and whispered in my ear. "We can't fix any of this," she said. "Let's get in the car and let the PA sort it out."
"I can't just leave," I said. "This is my fault. And how on earth will he be able to handle all this?"
"Please get in the car, ladies," said the driver. Normally, the drivers didn't talk to us—unless we initiated the conversation. "If I come back without you, it's my job."
I was torn. The PA was clearly in over his head, but I didn't want to get the driver in trouble. Reluctantly, I allowed Tiff to pull me into the limo.
Tiffani and I sat in the Jacuzzi. Tiff was wearing an itty-bitty bikini and I wore the Big Girls Special. I might as well have been wearing a muumuu. We could hear Drummer Boy banging around inside the house. He was massively pissed at being taken off the Hearts team.
When we all got back from the taping—what a fun car ride that was, what with Drummer Boy alternately sulking and making snide remarks—Tiff suggested that she and I should grab a couple of bottles of wine and hang out in the backyard until things inside quieted down some.
"Wow, he's got some stamina," I said. "He's been in there banging around for at least an hour."
Tiff took a drink of her wine, then wrinkled her nose. "You'd think this stuff would taste better. Actually, I think he's playing. Sounds like Tommy Lee's drumming."
"Well, I can't taste anything," I said. "After two glasses my mouth's kinda numb. Yeah, you know it does sound like he's drumming in there."
Tiff got up and reached for the wine bottle. Water sluiced off her, ran down her back, and between her legs. I closed my eyes. It was too distracting. I imagined sliding my hand between her legs, and that didn't help anything. I opened my eyes and Tiff was filling my glass up. "So," she said, as she settled into the water again. "What's the story with your purse?"