I've been assigned to Hearts because God forbid the media ever do anything with the wild card virus that isn't a pun. There are three other teams: Diamonds, Clubs, and Spades. We all hugged and learned and grew and pledged to work together as a team until it stops being convenient.
Then we all piled into a limo and rode to our new secret lair. I shit you not. Secret lair.
It's an old mansion all tricked out to make Big Brother cream himself. Cameras everywhere but the bathrooms (and no bets that there aren't a couple undocumented features there, too) and a little confessional where we get to gossip and backbite to our dearest, closest confidant: everyone in the freaking world.
Let me introduce the contestants, Johnny. Team Hearts is:
Drummer Boy—aka Michael Vogali. Yes, that Drummer Boy. Percussionist for Joker Plague, seven-foot ohmigod, six arms, more tattoos than a biker's convention. He spent the whole dinner signing autographs and chatting up an ace who everyone called Pop Tart, but not to her face. Since I don't listen to Joker Plague and I'm not a thirteen-year-old fangirl, I was unaware that he has six built-in tympanic regions on his chest. Yes, he is his own drum set.
Wild Fox—aka Andrew Yamauchi. Nice enough fella. Apparently can do something with illusions that's all very thematically appropriate if you know a lot more about Japanese mythology than I do. He'll be easy to identify when you watch the show. He's the one with the great big poofy fox tail. Seriously. He has a tail.
Curveball—aka Kate Brandt. Nice-looking girl next door. Anything she throws, she can not only control in flight but detonate on impact. She was showing off a little at the dinner and wound up exploding a water pitcher with a grain of rice.
She may have been just an ee-tinsey bit drunk. In all fairness, though, she's pretty cute when she's drunk.
Earth Witch—aka Ana Cortez. Another of our carefully ethnically diverse team with, sex-appealwise, a lovely personality and great sense of humor, I'm sure. She can dig holes in the ground with her mind. Yes, I'm not making this up. One of our super-heroes is a ditch digger of Mexican extraction. I'm not sure how this got by the Hollywood liberal politically correct establishment, but I think it's funny as hell. No disrespect intended; some of my best friends are vicious racial stereotypes.
Hardhat—aka Todd "T.T." Taszycki. Lest we be accused of not having some good old salt-of-the-earth, blue-collar types, there's Todd. A lifelong construction worker, Todd can create temporary girders with his mind. I'm not sure how he's going to play on the tube, since I haven't heard him speak a single sentence yet that was fit for broadcast. Anyone who thinks of the network as "a damn friendly bunch of cocksuckers" is okay by me. (Hey, Kenny, can we say "cocksuckers" on the Internet?)
Gardener—aka Jerusha Carter. She plants things. They grow. Gardener, get it?
And, of course, myself.
Now for the predictions:
First one out is going to be Gardener. Be serious. "Stop, foul villain, or I shall carpet your lawn with giant daffodils!" How useful is that?
Drummer Boy is also going to be out within the first round or two. The guy's a rock star. One little thing to tweak his ego, and he's outta here.
And for evil team dynamics, keep your eye on Earth Witch versus Curveball. Earth Witch isn't the kind of girl that gets asked out to the dance, and Curveball . . . well, like the poet said, everyone has a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.
There's gonna be blood. Count on it.
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4. From The Desk of Rebecca Lieberman
FROM THE DESK OF
REBECCA LIEBERMAN
from: Becca
to: Michael Berman
re: American Hero promo copy
Hey, Mike.
Here's the promotional copy and head shots for the American Hero print campaign, for your approval. Please get your tweaks and changes back to me by the 17th. Thanks. (There's two head shots for Tiffani, you'll notice, one normal and one where she's gone diamond. Let me know which one you want to use. Oh, and Alan wants to tint Toad Man green in his head shot, though it's my understanding that he's only green as a toad. What do you say?)
There will be four broadsheets, one for each team. We'll be slapping them on buses in the top twenty media markets, as well as the El in Chicago, the NYC subway, and most major airports. We'll also be using them as full-page ads in People, Us, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Variety, Hollywood Reporter, Aces, TV Guide, Rolling Stone, Vanity Fair, Parade, and assorted Sunday supplements. If Drummer Boy survives the first few cuts and makes a good run, I might be able to get him the cover of Rolling Stone as well.
We're also planning a major giveaway of promotional T-shirts the week that AH premieres. Each shirt will have the picture of a contestant on the front, with the team slogan and emblem on the back. The idea is one to a customer, so we can track the demand and get a better idea which contestants are most popular. And the deal with Burger King's about to close, so we'll also have a line of special promotional cups. Be the first kid on your block to collect all twenty-eight. We'll be tracking those, too.
Plus, we're lining up some regional media in the home markets of each contestant—print features, local television, etc. When the time is right, Maxim and Playboy have both expressed interest in doing photo spreads on some of our female contestants. Maxim has Jade Blossom at the top of their list, but Hef wants Curveball. Must be that whole girl-next-door thing. Maybe you could have Peregrine talk to her. Playboy worked for Peri once upon a time. I think my father still has the centerfold hanging in the garage. (No one seems to want Toad Man or Holy Roller to take off their clothes, can't think why).
So, take a look and shoot these back to me ASAP.
luv,
Becky
HELP IS WHERE THE HEARTS ARE.
ANA delves deep. Stone and soil, clay and sand, they're all putty in her hands. She's the
EARTH WITCH!
Ana Cortez
Las Vegas, New Mexico
KATE's the all-American girl with the all-American arm. She'll zip it past you or throw it through you. Nobody can hit
CURVEBALL!
Kathleen Brandt
Portland, Oregon
MIKE's large, he's loud, he's pierced, he has six arms and attitude to spare. He'll rock you and he'll roll you. Let's hear it for
DRUMMER BOY!
Michael Vogali
On Tour, the World
Keep your green thumb, JERUSHA has ten green fingers. Mighty oaks spring up from tiny acorns at her command. Here she is, the
GARDENER!
Jerusha Carter
Jackson Hole, Wyoming
JONATHAN bugs out at the first sign of trouble, but he still packs a nasty sting. He's
JONATHAN HIVE!
Jonathan Tipton-Clarke
Washington, D.C.
T.T. walks the high steel and builds them strong and straight. He's tough, he's tall, and he takes no crap off nobody. He's
HARDHAT!
Todd "T.T." Taszycki Chicago,
Illinois
Seeing isn't believing when ANDREW is around, so best not believe your eyes or your ears or your nose. Only the tail is real with
WILD FOX!
Andrew Yamauchi
Fresno, California
WHO WILL BE THE NEW AMERICAN HERO?
EVERYONE WANTS TO BELONG TO THE CLUBS!
BUFORD hails from down the swamp. Some say he's just a good ol' boy, but he's got him one mean tongue. Folks go green when they see
TOAD MAN!
Buford Calhoun
Loxahatchee, Florida
JAMAL takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Shoot him, stab him, burn him, and he'll be back for more. No one can stop the
STUNTMAN!
Jamal Norwood
Inglewood, California
The best-laid plans develop hiccups when PAUL's around. He makes men cry "Gesundheit," and women cry, "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes."
SPASM!
Paul Blackwell
Denver, Colorado
PEARL knows all the secrets of the sea, and speaks the language of the dolphins and the whales. Go deep with