ve had and the side things and ideas and stuff, all still in there to come out, but still knowing me through all this right till today, that it kills me, literally kills me every single day, for that’s how often—” and she says “I know, you’ve said, I don’t think of her as often as that, having my own children in a way that you didn’t after she died and still don’t have me and also that second but much younger sister Mom gave me, but I certainly think of her and miss her or sort of like you when I do, but let me tell you also, Mom says she thinks of her that way too, maybe more like I do and around the same amount or maybe a lot more than I do but not as much as you because I still lived with her and she fairly soon after had that other child, so it was equal in a way for all of us, you can say, or a little to maybe a little more than a little for you than Mom and me or maybe a lot more for you but still a hell of a lot for us too, but you dealt with it differently than us — well, I was too young to deal with it any other way than I did — but you simply handled it differently than practically anyone would and it fucked up your life almost completely, certainly I don’t see how you could have done a better job at fucking things up for yourself and us other than bashing our brains in too and leaving us for dead when we weren’t, for in most ways what happened to Julie and then what you did to those men and as a result of that what happened to you fucked us up pretty well too,” and he says “I’m sorry for what I did to you and your mother, sorrier I swear I don’t see how I could be, but tell me though, aren’t you glad, when you think back on it, that I at least, for all that I screwed up for you two in other ways, got the fucking, since you’re using the word, scum that did it — I mean, in all honesty, sweetheart, aren’t you glad I made them suffer as much as they did our darling Julie and then us in other ways because of her?” and she says no and he says “Come on, the honest truth now,” and she says “That is,” and he says “There’s got to be more,” and she says “I’m telling you, no, or not really, and if I did feel glad it was only for a day here and there and really only a half hour of those days and each one ten years apart and maybe two out of three of those sprung from some sadness or bitterness about something else, because those men were nobody to me, nothing, just filthy little pieces of shit whom I never wanted to think of again,” and he says “But they fucked up my life, as you say, and as a result, yours and Lee’s for a while, besides we won’t even say again what they did to Julie,” and she says “But they also should have been nothings and nobodies to you, that’s what I’m saying, and then everything in time would have almost been evened out and gone on okay,” and he says “Well, I’m glad and for all I know the two of you are too, especially for killing the one who killed Julie, which was probably the highlight of my life, losing her the lowest of the all-time low, the highlight in other ways, you understand, being just having you kids — I’m talking about the births and you the most for you were the first — and marrying your mother another, first knowing we’d mutually fallen in love with each other, also maybe first meeting her and sort of seeing straight off what she was going to mean and be to me and the kids she’d give, besides just little things that are big without you knowing it at the time, like climb ing up a park hill with you on my shoulders and at the top just looking out, taking a photo of you both and Mommy in a bathtub and the photo not coming out, first day I drove Julie to preschool, first day I picked you up after regular kindergarten school, driving on the Interstate with you and Julie in back playing cards or whatever you were playing”—“It was a tiny board game where the pieces had magnets, though what particular game I forget, but not checkers or chess”—“Well that trip before those scumbags drove up especially stands out among a few others, for it was so peaceful and cheerful till then, two of you getting along so well, which you did on and off most of the time, and so nice for once to have you both in the car all to myself for a long drive with a couple of rest stops — I can spoil you the way I want at Bob’s Big Boy or Roy’s, I remember thinking — and that night alone seeing to all your needs and day after next after school the three of us picking your mom up at the train, though maybe that recollection’s big only because how it turned out to be so with those two scummy men, anyway, I’m glad what I did to them, never that I can remember had a doubt even for half an hour on a single day, but a bit sorry you haven’t been glad at least once or twice or in some way said I did the right or natural thing, though I think I can understand why, but we’ll forget it for now for I can tell what the whole conversation and subject and so forth is doing to you and of course what it’s done and continues to do to me needs no further going into, am I right?” and she says “Okay,” and he says “Want to share another beer? — this is one I’ll surely remember: first time not only having but sharing a beer with you,” “You used to let me take occasional sips but I guess those don’t count, and no, I think I better go and help Glen tuck Saul in,” “But he seems a competent man and Saul a big boy,” “It was more an excuse, Dad, I’m pooped out, much as I’m enjoying this,” “Well, it hasn’t been that great for you, I can tell, but it has in doubles for me,” “Don’t speak or think for me — I have a head and it has, it’s been nice,” “Nice isn’t so okay,” “Nice is nice which to me means really good, with Glen and Saul before with you and now just us two, so don’t start ruining it,” “Ruin it like I do everything, is that right?” “I didn’t say that, but you’re at it again, making me feel like why am I staying here the extra few minutes?” “I’m sorry, my apologies, I’ll try not to — ruin it and stick my thoughts in your head and mouth and that kind of thing — speak and think for you what you’re not, but you know what I mean: I’m just, because I think I’ve ruined it with you now for maybe a long time, confused, so therefore these thoughts, jumbled and so forth,” and she says “You haven’t ruined it yet so now just stop,” and he puts up his hand in the stop sign, says “Will do, madame,” laughs, she, he pays for the beer, “‘You’re right, I won’t try to speak and think for you, period,’ is what I wanted to say or all I should have,” he thinks, puts down several bills for a tip, she fingers the money and says “Not so much,” he says “Ah, we restaurant-bar people, meaning also bartenders and even the cooks who hear the waiters bellyaching and so on, are usually big tippers, since we know how hard we work or at least the long hours and how the feet get to hurt and what it is to be tipped little for it or stiffed, but besides, for me, my sweetie, this has been one very big day, among the best in my life, which maybe doesn’t say much but it is,” and kisses the top of her head, “Still,” she says, “Glen gave a more than adequate tip already,” and takes two of the four dollar bills off the table and sticks them into his jacket pocket, “What you just did,” he says, “is something waitresses could kill you for, so let’s hope she didn’t see,” “You’d protect me,” and he says “I don’t know if I’d be able to control her, but I’d try,” and walks her to the hotel a few blocks away, “‘Maybe I shouldn’t profess to speak or think for you any time of the day,’ is all I should have said,” he thinks, “but too late, it’d seem like studied afterthought if I said it now,” points out some changes in the skyline, new tall pointy all-glass building there he doesn’t like, beautiful old full-of-ornate-work smaller one demolished for no doubt something ugly like another cement stickpin or wraparound glass suitcase on its end going up, “Change is so stupid and useless most times, what do you think? and I mean it when I say I’m only talking about architecture and let’s say hairdos and cooking fads and things,” and she says “Why, what else would you be talking about?” and he says “People and their spur-of-the-moment sometimes lifetime changing plans for their inner selves, I think, but what about the architecture?” and she says “It’s not my city anymore and I never felt much for it before and the memories I have of it are mainly bad, principally because the last ones were the worst ones so the ones I remember best, so let them change the city all they want,” “Anyway, who cares?” he says, “for none of it’s important but as a place to walk safely through with you and I guess the new modern tall hotels and such and their elevators on the outside walls like crawling bugs and the people who are drawn to it all make it more safe, and let’s face it, Glen’s company wouldn’t have held its sales meeting here if it hadn’t been for the changes in this part of town, so suddenly I’m going to have one of those spur-of-the-moment even lifetime changes of opinion of this place, though I don’t know if it’s an inner one, whatever I mean by that, and say the whole change of it is great, for you wouldn’t be here with me now if it wasn’t for what they did to the waterfront and the new convention center and hotels and restaurants and all sorts of tourist draws, individual pad-dleboats in the harbor, for christsake, the aquarium with performing fish,” sees her to the lobby, “Well, this is it, I guess,” “We’ll see and speak to you, Dad, okay?” and offers her cheek, he kisses it, takes her hands and kisses them, “What pretty hands, what a pretty face, what a wonderful girl you are, do you need any money?” “Dad, Glen and I are working people with more than decent salaries or certainly one very decent one between us and we’re also not big-time spenders as you loved to call it or said your dad did—” “My dad,” “—so no, but thanks,” “Well, if you ever do need anything on the money end, you’ll let me know, all right? or the boys for school, I mean it — it might sound silly, on my income, but I’ve lived cheap since I got out and put some away only for you,” and she says she’ll remember and thanks him again and kisses his cheek and he stays there looking at her as she gets in the elevator, turns around and blows a kiss at him and doors close and he thinks “What now? what do I do? where do I go? just don’t get drunk or too depressed — that’s it, call her early tomorrow from work, well, not too early, and maybe she and Saul and even Glen can stop by the place before they leave,” and goes home.