“It’s over. Let’s go home.”
Eleven
“Nicole Ryan! Did you know about this?” Mom must be all the way out in the living room, but even with my head buried under the covers I can hear her just fine.
“Crap,” I mutter to no one. I lift one corner of the comforter and peer at the clock next to my bed. Kat must be somewhere over Texas by now. She promised she’d tell them before she left. Now I’m the only one left to deal with all of the garbage that she’s stirred up.
I hear Mom pounding down the hall seconds before my door flies open. “Did you know about this?” she repeats.
I roll over to face the doorway where she’s standing and waving a piece of notebook paper. “Know about what?” This kind of answer is just going to piss her off more, but I need to buy some time to think.
“This. This note from your sister! What does she mean she’s meant to be with Owen and she’s gone to England?”
I roll back over and face the wall. It’s become a familiar sight in the past few days in that, except for some trips to the bathroom, it’s pretty much all I’ve seen. “I guess it means she’s gone to England.” Not even a week ago I was feeling sorry for her because Owen was leaving. Doesn’t take much to turn everything upside down.
“Did you know what she was planning? It’s the Fourth of July, for God’s sake. The block party is this afternoon—what am I going to tell everyone?”
I shrug, unable to even rustle up any emotion about this. So Kat’s on a plane, on the way to live with her boyfriend in London. Not like I’m going to feel sorry for her. Or guilty for not giving Mom a heads-up. Ever since I left Griffon’s house, I’ve felt dead inside, hollow, like all of the emotion has been sucked out of me. I honestly couldn’t care less.
Mom bangs her hand on the wall in frustration and I jump just a little bit. “What about school? What about her future? Oh my God, the money we’ve already paid out for college! How could she just up and leave like this? Your father is going to go crazy.” She waits for a reply, but getting nothing, she slams my door and stomps back down the hall.
Now that she’s gone, I relax a little bit. I vaguely remember Kat coming in to say good-bye early this morning. At least I think it was this morning. I’ve spent so much time in this bed that the days are starting to run together. Not that I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping. Seems like every time I close my eyes, all I can picture is the look on Griffon’s face when he spotted me and Drew in the practice room. The pain in his eyes as he finally walked away causes my stomach to clench. I’ve spent entire days and nights picking apart every word of our conversation, wishing I could do it over again. If I could go back in time and change only one thing, it would be talking to Drew that day at the studio. I’d have shoved him out the door and refused to look at anything he had to show me. I thought I wanted answers about what happened in that lifetime, but not at the expense of what I have in this one.
My door opens again and I brace myself for another onslaught from Mom, but instead a paper bag sails across the room and lands on my leg.
“Get up, already,” Rayne says, closing the door behind her. “Your allotted grieving time is over. You need to get the hell out of this house.”
I pull the covers over my head. “I can’t go out. I never want to go out again.”
“Oh, come on.” Rayne sits down on the edge of my bed and bounces up and down a little. She smiles at me and points at the bag. “I got you one of those disgusting bagels you like.”
My stomach turns at the thought of a jalapeño bagel with salmon cream cheese. “Thanks. But no.”
“I ran into your mom on the porch. Boy, is she pissed.” Rayne gives me a crooked smile. “Guess she found out about Kat, huh?”
I shrug. “Nothing they can do about it. She used her own money. Happy Independence Day to Kat.”
“Yeah, but it’ll totally take the heat off you. Nothing you can possibly do will be as big as this. She did you a favor.”
“Yeah. I’m grateful. Kat left me here to deal with everything after she promised she wouldn’t. She’s going to go live an amazing life in London and I’m stuck here.” Without Griffon. I close my eyes, trying to banish the thoughts that are creeping into my head.
“How long are you going to stay here, anyway? You’re missing work, and there was a great party in the Mission last night. Plus, it’s the Fourth—you have to come watch fireworks. We’ll grab a couple of chairs, go down to Aquatic Park, freeze our butts off, and try to see something through the fog. You can totally hang out with me and Peter.”
I look at her, knowing that she means it all in the nicest possible way. Anybody else would seriously piss me off. “Yeah. The three of us will have a great time together. Maybe we can all huddle under the same blanket. Not awkward at all.”
“So now that Griffon’s gone, you’re going to spend the next year in your room? I’m not going to let that happen. You have to get out there—you’ll feel better. At least just come with me to the café. If you won’t eat, maybe a little coffee will do you good.”
An Americano with half and half is the first thing that’s sounded even remotely palatable in days. I grab a pillow and hug it to my chest. “Will you go get me one?”
“No. I’m sorry, the To Go window is closed. You have to come get it yourself.” She bounces a few more times and then stops, a serious look on her face. “Come on Cole, I’m worried about you. We all are. I know how much this totally sucks, but you have to let him get this out of his system. When Griffon has time to think about it, he’ll come back.”
I’ve tried telling myself different versions of the same thing, but the reality I have to face is that Griffon’s gone. “He won’t,” I say. “You didn’t see his face. He really means it.” He won’t let me explain or let himself believe what really happened. Despite the fact that I’m trying to be practical and realistic, tears well up in my eyes.
“Oh, man,” Rayne says and scoots up to brush the hair out of my face. “Honey, I’m so sorry. I wish I could fix it. The best I can do is drag you out for a lousy cup of coffee.”
“I know,” I sniff, trying to get a grip on myself. “I appreciate it.”
I look down at my bunched-up sheets, noticing their sour smell for the first time. I don’t want the life that waits for me outside of this house. The one without Griffon in it. But I’m starting to make myself a little sick. Maybe just one cup of coffee. Then I can come home, change my sheets, and climb back into bed.
“Just give me an hour,” Rayne prods. “You don’t even have to come to the fireworks tonight. Just get out of this house. You’ll feel better.”
“I don’t want to feel better,” I say, throwing the comforter back. “The only way I’ll ever feel better is if Griffon changes his mind, and that’s not going to happen. I want to feel every moment of this misery.” I sit on the edge of the bed and put my feet gingerly on the floor. “Plus, you know I don’t like fireworks.”
“If you want to wallow, go ahead. One cup of coffee and I’ll let you come running back here.” Rayne pulls me to my feet. “But first, do the rest of us a favor and go take a shower.”
I tuck the sleeping bag around my feet and settle back into the folding chair. It’s almost totally dark now, but the music is still playing from the bandstand up the street and Frisbees are still whizzing by my head on a regular basis. I’m trying hard to share Rayne’s holiday mood and not sink back into the depression that’s become oddly comforting, like a favorite pair of worn jeans. I glance up at the overcast sky—it’s like a blank slate now, but in a little while it’s going to explode with lights and noise. Waiting for fireworks shows always makes me a little jumpy. Once they start I’m usually okay, but I get a little flinchy at the beginning.