“But what about after? College?” He looks down at my left hand. “Or Juilliard, maybe?”
I pull my arm under the table. “Not anymore.”
“I thought you still played.”
I shake my head. “Not like before. I . . . can’t.”
“Well, maybe not right now, but what about next year?”
“It’s not going to happen,” I say, not wanting to hear him recite all of the possibilities. That’s what everyone does when I talk about not being able to play, and I’m tired of it. There are no possibilities. I might as well move on. “My playing career is over, and I just have to face that fact. I’m never going to be the next Suggia or Ma. It’s over.”
Drew chews thoughtfully, not seeming to mind that I just about bit his head off. “You like Suggia?”
I stare at him. Nobody outside of my music friends has ever heard of Guilhermina Suggia. “Of course. She was only the most groundbreaking female cellist in history. There aren’t that many recordings because it was so long ago, but I have a few. But it wasn’t just the music, it was the way she lived her life, refusing to settle for anything less than the best, not letting the fact that she was a woman stop her from getting to the very top, even in the days when female cellists were almost unheard of.”
“What’s your favorite?”
“Recording? Probably ‘Kol Nidrei.’ It’s just so emotional—you can feel what she’s feeling as she moves through the piece.”
Drew nods. “That’s a good one.” He pauses and glances around the restaurant, which has been rapidly filling with people as we eat. He leans over the table. “I saw her do the Moór double concerto in Paris. It was life-changing.”
I sit back. “In 1913? With Casals?”
“That’s the one.” Drew finishes eating and folds his napkin over his empty plate. I have nothing to say to that. How can you come up with a response when someone tells you that he saw the cellist you admire more than any other play in concert—a concert that took place a hundred years ago?
I feel almost jealous. “I’d give anything to have been there.”
Drew looks thoughtful. “Maybe you were. Even though you don’t remember everything about your past, you should stop thinking in the limited terms of one lifetime. If you were alive then, it’s possible that your paths crossed.”
I consider this. From what I remember I was alive then, and playing the cello, although not at her level. I’ve been slightly obsessed with Suggia from the minute I heard her name. Is it possible that it’s not just admiration, but memory? “That’s crazy. I never thought of it that way.”
My thoughts are interrupted as Maria comes and takes our plates. As we sit waiting for the check, I can sense that Drew is thinking about something bigger than Guilhermina Suggia. “You can ask me,” I tell him.
“Ask you what?”
“Whatever you’ve been keeping quiet about this whole dinner,” I answer.
He grins, and once again I’m struck by how handsome he is. I look out the window instead of at him.
“I do have one question,” he finally admits.
“I figured.”
Drew clears his throat. “What happened to you after I’d gone? I was taken away . . .”
“By the soldiers,” I say. “I remember.”
“Right. For some ridiculous, trumped-up charge of treason against the crown.” He laughs bitterly. “I never thought they’d actually go through with it.”
“But that day in the hallway, as the soldiers took you away . . .” I take a deep breath and look at him before finishing the sentence. “We never saw each other again, did we?”
“No.” There’s pain in his eyes as he tries to continue. “I was imprisoned in the Tower and executed a few months later.”
“I saw what you wrote on the wall. In Beauchamp Tower. Ad vitam aeternam.”
For once, Drew looks surprised. “You did? When?”
“Last spring. I was on vacation in London. I didn’t know what it meant then; I was only getting flashes of memory. But still, I knew it was important.”
He sits back in his seat. “Wow.” He’s silent for a second. “I remember carving that, thinking that you’d never see it. Hoping that you’d never be in the Tower to see it.” Drew lifts his eyes to meet mine. “Which is what I wanted to ask you. What happened to you? Did you marry again? Even if I was gone, you should have lived out your life in comfort. There was enough money, and I’d made provisions that should have kept you well into your old age.”
“You don’t know?” I’d never considered that fact.
He shakes his head sharply. “I’ve searched, but there are no records. It’s like you just dropped off the face of the earth.”
“In a way, I did.” I look around to make sure nobody is listening. “I was executed not long after you were killed. A few months maybe, as close as I can figure.”
Drew’s eyes are angry as he brings his fist down hard onto the table. “Damn! That was not the agreement.” He starts to reach for my hand across the table, but pulls back quickly, remembering, his eyes searching mine for the truth. “You’ve got to believe me, I never would have gone if I’d thought for one minute that’s what would happen. I agreed to surrender only if they left you alone. Otherwise, I would have fought to the death to keep us together. The king . . . was smitten with you.” I smile as he slips into the more formal speech of our first lifetime together. “I guess I figured that his adoration would keep us both safe,” he continues.
I remember my thoughts as I sat in the Tower, waiting to meet my fate, hearing the workmen pound at the platform that was to host my death. “I think that’s what went wrong,” I say, knowing as the images form that I’m right. “All I remember is that the king propositioned me and I refused him. I think that’s what got me killed.”
Drew’s phone vibrates and I look to see it marking the end of one hour. I’m a little annoyed to discover that I’m disappointed. “We can stay,” I say without thinking, enjoying being able to talk about this freely, to maybe find some of the pieces that are missing from my memories.
“No. You said an hour, and it’s up.” He picks up the phone, his motions exaggerated as he puts it in his pocket and slips his arms into his jacket. Just as we start to get up, Drew puts both hands on the table, and I can see his arms trembling as he locks eyes with me, a sad smile behind them. “At least you remember that much. You refused the king, a gesture that cost you your life,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper. “Because that’s how much you loved me.”
Thirteen
Focusing on not focusing on anything is harder than it sounds. I always play better when I don’t think about the notes or the music and just let instinct take over, but with all that’s been going on, clearing my mind isn’t easy. As the bow glides over the cello strings, I can tell that my fingers are getting stronger and finding the right places on the board more often. When I finish the piece, even I have to admit that it doesn’t totally suck. Not stage-worthy yet, but not completely awful either.
“That was nice,” Mom says, watching from the doorway. “Best I’ve heard you sound.”
Since your career ended, I finish for her in my head. “Thanks,” is all I say out loud.
She takes a few steps into my room. “Are you feeling better?”
“I guess,” I say cautiously. I haven’t talked to her about Griffon at all. There’s too much I’ll never be able to tell her. “Why?”
Mom walks over and sits on my bed, looking around the room like she’s never been in here before. “I have eyes. I know something happened between you and Griffon.”