“Merry Christmas, Merrie,” Cal said softly before he left.
“Merry Christmas to you, Cal,” she answered, but they were both upset by what had happened. It was easy to explain in some ways, they were both feeling emotional because of the holiday, and she had been living apart from her husband for three months. Cal had no important woman in his life. And they were both lonely. But they both knew that it wasn't reason enough to risk her marriage or destroy their friendship.
And the next day, she called him and told him she couldn't come over.
“Because of what happened last night?” he asked softly.
“Yes. I think we both need a breather before we do something foolish. The airport will be open in a few hours, they said. It'll be fine when I come back from New York, let's forget about it, Cal.”
He didn't want her to quit because he had been stupid. He didn't care what he had to do, or not do, but more than anything, he didn't want to lose her. “I'm sorry I was such a fool. I know how in love you are with Steve. I don't know what came over me suddenly.” But he knew, and so did she, and they both knew it had to stop very quickly. She was sure that if nothing more was said about it, the moment would pass and they would both forget, and they could go back to the comfortable friendship they had shared for months. “I don't like to think of you alone in the apartment on Christmas.”
“I'm fine. I promise.”
“It was so nice being with you last night, and talking to you.” It had been years since he had talked to anyone about his parents.
“We won't lose that, Cal. I promise. I'll be all right after I see Steve. And you'll be yourself again after your vacation in Mexico. I told you, it's just the holidays. I'll see you after New Year's.”
“Will you really be all right, Merrie?” He was worried about her, he knew he had upset her.
“Yes, I will. We both will. Merry Christmas, Cal. Kiss the kids for me.” And for some insane reason, after she hung up, she found she missed them.
It was a relief when they opened the airport in New York that night, and she got a seat on the red-eye. She sat awake, all the way to New York, thinking of Cal, and how foolish they had almost been. Enough so to wake her up. She knew that she and Steve had to do something. They couldn't live like this forever.
She took a cab to the apartment when she arrived, and the city looked like a fairyland, all covered in snow. Another light snow had already begun falling when she let herself into the apartment. It was the day after Christmas, but at least she was home. And when she walked into the bedroom, Steve was there, sound asleep in their bed. She took off her clothes, and slipped silently under the sheets beside him. And in his sleep, he pulled her close to him and held her.
Chapter 11
THE WEEK IN New York flew by too fast. Steve had taken the week off too, and the time they shared was idyllic. They played in the snow, and went sledding in the park. They went for long walks, and out for dinner. They made love more than they had in years, as though they were both desperate to cling to each other. And after the first few days, they finally talked seriously about their problem.
“What are we going to do?” Meredith was the first to ask. “We can't live like this forever.”
“I hope we won't have to,” he said sadly. With Meredith there, and so obviously in love with him, he was calmer than he had been in a while.
“Do you want me to quit my job? I will if it's what you want,” she said honestly. They had been apart for almost three months, and with no job for him on the West Coast, there was no end of their separation in sight.
“Of course I don't want that. I want what's good for you. Something will turn up sooner or later,” Steve said calmly.
“What if it's later? What if it takes six months? Or a year?”
“Then we'll live with it. And if nothing great turns up, I'll take a job in some ER and wait for the right opportunity while I'm there. This is not a tragedy, it's just a tough time. Other people seem to do it.”
“Some of them don't make it,” she said, looking worried. The incident with Cal on Christmas Eve had told her that no one was invulnerable, and no matter how much they loved each other, living on opposite coasts presented a real danger for them. For Meredith, it had been a warning, but she had no intention of saying that to him. She didn't want to hurt him.
“What does that mean?” Steve asked, looking confused.
“It means that some people's marriages fall apart, living like this. It puts a hell of a lot of pressure on both of us. Things haven't exactly been easy lately.”
“I know that. But we can do it. It's worth it. I don't want you giving up a job you love, or an opportunity like the one Cal gave you. You love working with him, it's the most exciting job you've ever had, and you're making a goddamn fortune.”
“It's not worth losing you for,” she said clearly. “Nothing is worth that to me, Steve. No job on the planet would be worth that, and no amount of money.”
“I know that,” he said, pulling her into his arms, and kissing her. “I'll be out there in a couple of months, and we'll look back on all this and laugh. We can do it, Merrie. I promise.” She felt as though she were being pulled away from him sometimes, by a force that was bigger than they were, as though the fates were conspiring against them. But she didn't want to say that to him. “Let's just try and spend the weekends together more often.” From that standpoint, the past few months had been a disaster for them. She seemed to get tied up in Palo Alto every weekend, and he was always on duty at the hospital, and between colds and meetings and blizzards and bad luck, they had hardly seen each other.
“I think that'll help,” she said pensively, and he nodded.
“And I'll keep beating the bushes for work in San Francisco. I can't go anywhere right now anyway for the next two months, until Lucas recovers from his hip. So we know I'll be here for that long. And maybe by then a job will open up in the Bay Area.” He sounded hopeful, more so than he had in a long time. Being with her had really boosted his spirits.
“Christ, I hope so,” she said, and with that, they fell back into bed. They even managed to spend New Year's Eve together, without interference from the trauma unit, which was mostly thanks to Anna Gonzalez, who was covering for him. Steve said that she had absolutely forbidden anyone to call him. “I owe her a giant thank you,” Meredith said, as she packed her bags on New Year's Day, to go back to California. They were both sad she was going, but it had been a great week for them, and even Meredith felt more secure about the relationship than she had on Christmas morning. She felt as though they were safe again. And everything he had said made sense. A job would have to turn up for him sooner or later. And if not, he said he'd come out anyway, even if he had to be a paramedic, although she knew he didn't really mean that.
“I want you to meet Anna the next time you're here,” Steve said over the dinner he cooked her before she left. “She's an amazing woman. She's from San Juan, and grew up dirt poor. She got a full scholarship to Yale, and then another one for med school. She was married to some rich kid at the law school, and I gather his family was none too pleased about it. They eventually forced him to ditch her, but not until after she had a baby. He left her high and dry during her residency with no money and a newborn baby. The kid is five now, and she's living in some miserable walk-up apartment on the West Side. She's an incredible physician. We were lucky to find her.”
“What does she look like?” Meredith asked, and Steve laughed.
“You sound just like a woman,” he teased her.
“I am a woman.”
“So I noticed.” They had just made love again an hour before. “One for the road,” as he called it. “She's nice looking, not gorgeous. A little thin, a little nervous, a lot stressed out. She has a kid to support, and she seems to live hand to mouth, doing locum tenens. I'm trying to get them to hire her permanently. We could really use her in the unit. And when I leave, she could replace me. She'd love it.”