“I love you too, Cal,” she said softly. It wasn't just desire that raged between them. It was so much more. It was as though they were part of one body, one soul. And whatever happened next, she knew that for this one moment in time, she was his right now.
He took her in his arms again, and held her, and every inch of him hungered for her. He had longed for her for so long. She kissed him with a passion she had never felt before for anyone, not even her husband. Her hands slipped beneath his shirt, and felt his chest, and he gently slipped her white silk dress off her shoulders. And as she stood up, it fell to her feet, and she stood there in all her glory, in white satin bikini pants, and her high-heeled sandals. She took his breath away as she had on the beach, and a moment later, he picked her up and carried her into his bedroom. He laid her gently on the bed as she kicked off her shoes, and he took off his shirt and his trousers, and then he slipped off her underwear and admired her beauty.
“You're incredible,” he whispered.
“I've never done this before,” she said softly, sounding frightened.
“I know.” She had told him long before that she'd been faithful to Steve. But this was different. This was a need so profound and so powerful that neither of them could resist it. “Don't be afraid, Merrie….” His hands roamed all over her, and as their lips met, she moaned softly. “I love you so much. … I've never loved anyone like this before,” he said, echoing everything she felt for him, and had known in some part of her since the beginning. She wanted to believe this was wrong, but in her heart of hearts she couldn't. And she knew in her very soul, that this was what, and who, she had been born for, and where she had to be.
Chapter 14
THE TIME CALLAN and Meredith spent in Hawaii was half fairy tale, half nightmare. Neither of them had been as happy in their lives, yet they both knew that the forbidden fruit they had tasted there would inexorably change their lives. Meredith had no idea how to resolve it. There was no question in her mind anymore, she was in love with Cal, and he with her, but the question was what, if anything, to do about it. They had no right to what they shared, yet neither of them could bear to think of ending it. The dream had just begun.
“What are we going to do about this?” she asked Cal, as they lay in bed late one night, having finally escaped the others. They were being completely circumspect in public and they were sure no one had guessed their secret. But all they wanted to do now was go back to their room and be alone, make love, and talk until all hours. They had talked one night until dawn, and then finally slept a few hours until their meeting.
They were working together as usual, but the new dimension they'd added to their relationship changed everything. And between the time difference, and his schedule, Meredith hadn't talked to Steve since she'd arrived in Hawaii.
“What do you want to do about this, Merrie?” Cal asked her seriously, as he lay on his side, looking at her, tracing a lazy finger down the gentle curves of her body. What they had shared so far were volcanoes of passion and islands of calm. But what waited for them beyond the shores where they stood was a storm of terrifying proportions and dangerously deep waters. It was no secret to either of them, and Cal looked happy and peaceful as he looked into her eyes. They knew they loved each other, but they knew nothing more than that yet. And he had no idea which way Meredith would choose to turn, toward the past or the future. Either was possible, and she herself was drifting slowly toward the unknown with no real sense of direction. She was like a ship that had gently slipped away from its mooring.
“I just don't know,” Meredith said honestly, as she lay close to him, feeling his strength and his warmth enticingly near her. What she felt for him was so powerful it still took her breath away. “I can't do this to Steve, Cal. … I can't … I can't leave him.” But she couldn't leave Cal either now, she knew that as well. She was trapped between two worlds, and she felt pulled in opposite directions.
“Let's not make any decisions right now,” he said sensibly, trying to stay calm, and not frighten her. “We don't have to do anything now. Why don't we just enjoy this while we can?” She nodded silently in answer, he kissed her, and then slowly began to make love to her again.
They couldn't keep their hands off each other while they were in their rooms, but they were extremely circumspect when they were around other people from the firm, or in meetings. They gave the speeches they had prepared, led small groups, and joined the others for both lunch and dinner. Even the most observant of their colleagues would have been hard put to find anything out of the ordinary in their exchanges. But what Meredith felt when she was with him, more than anything, was a kind of unspoken intimacy and greater depth between them. It was intangible, but very real, and enhanced everything they had shared until that moment. And it was so obvious to her that it seemed incredible that no one else could see it.
“They must be blind,” she said to Cal, as they sat wrapped in towels on their terrace before they went to dress for dinner. They had been swimming on the beach, and had just taken a long hot bath together, and had inevitably made love.
“People don't see what's right in front of them sometimes,” he said comfortably, sipping a martini. He didn't drink during the day, but he enjoyed a cocktail before dinner, and occasionally Merrie joined him, but that evening she didn't. She wanted to be clearheaded for their gathering that night. What was happening to them seemed heady enough to her, and she didn't want to add to it. “Are you happy?” he asked, as she lay on a deck chair, watching the sunset with him.
“More so than I deserve.” What they had discovered was very special to both of them, but she also knew that, for the moment at least, it was borrowed, if not stolen. And sooner or later they would have to pay their dues. But not yet. For the moment, it was still theirs for the taking, and neither of them could resist. The force that had pulled them toward each other was more powerful than they were.
“You deserve everything you want,” Cal said lovingly, as he leaned down to kiss her.
“Sometimes that's not true,” she said softly. “Things don't always work out the way you want them to. I wish we had met sooner.”
“So do I,” he said with a sigh, “but maybe neither of us would have been ready.” But nor were they now. He may have been free, but she was married. “We do everything so well together, Meredith.”
“Yeah, I know,” she smiled, “like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.”
“No. Like Callan Dow and Meredith Whitman. We're special people, Merrie. We both are. We know what we want, and we're not afraid to work like dogs to make it happen. The same could be true for us now, if we want this. We could have a wonderful life together, if we decide to go for it. I don't want to push you into anything. The question is what do you want? And how badly do you want it? Getting from here to there might not be easy for you.” It was something of an understatement, but it was the first time he had offered to share his life with her, although it was not yet clear on what basis. As mistress or wife or girlfriend? And she realized that maybe even he didn't know yet.
“I'm not willing to hurt Steve for us, Cal,” she said quietly. “He doesn't deserve that.” In spite of what she felt for Cal now, she couldn't imagine a life without her husband. He had been part of her life for too long now to give that up. He was part of her, body and soul. It was more complicated than Cal knew. She had never been unhappy with Steven. Circumstances had taken them from each other, not choice. The only choice she'd made was to move to California, and Steve had made it with her, but she still wasn't so certain that it was a good one.