“It must be.” Anna had her own theories about it, but she didn't want to hurt him, so she didn't share them with him. But she knew women better than he did. She had also begun to think that he might never move to California. It just wasn't happening, and his wife didn't seem too anxious for him to be there. But she didn't say that to him either. Besides, he loved the trauma unit, and she couldn't see him leaving. “It's funny how people drift apart. I was in love with a guy once, and he moved away. I obsessed about him for a year. He was all I could think of. And when I saw him again, he was like a different person. I had this fantasy of him that had nothing to do with reality. He was actually kind of an asshole,” she admitted and he smiled at her.
“At least he wasn't gay or married. There must be some other guys out there, Anna, single ones. Maybe you're just not trying.”
“They're not out there, believe me. And it's too much trouble to find them.”
“That's the real problem. You're lazy.” She was anything but at the hospital. But he suspected she was too scared to get involved with anyone. She had old wounds and old scars to protect. She was hiding.
They sat and talked for a long time, and at ten o'clock she yawned, and he looked at his watch. “I should go,” he said, but he hated going back to his empty apartment, and she was nice to talk to.
“You don't have to. I don't usually go to bed till midnight.”
“What do you do all alone here?”
“Read mostly.”
“That sounds lonely,” he said softly. They were both lonely, in a city full of people.
“It is sometimes, but I don't mind it. Lonely is good sometimes. It makes you think, and know things you might not otherwise. I'm not afraid to be lonely,” she said bravely.
“I am sometimes,” he said honestly. “My life was so much better when my wife was here. Now I have nothing to go home to. You have Felicia.”
“That's true,” she nodded, as he looked at her, and almost instinctively he touched her cheek, and was surprised by how silky it felt. She was extraordinarily appealing, and very sexy. And she hadn't pulled away when he touched her, which surprised him. It made him feel bolder, and he pulled her gently toward him and kissed her. And she didn't stop him.
“Am I doing something stupid here?” he asked her in a whisper. “I'm not gay, but I am married, and I could turn out to be an asshole.”
“I don't think so,” she whispered back. “I know the deal here … and the ground rules.”
“What are they?” He was startled at how open she was to him. They were two lonely, hungry people, and there was an almost irresistible meal on the table. It was hard for either of them to refuse it. And they felt safe with each other.
“The ground rules are that you love your wife, and you may wind up in California,” she said simply.
“Not may, will.” He didn't want to mislead her.
“I get it,” she said simply, and slipped a hand under his sweater. He was wearing his scrub pants, and she gently untied them. “Do you want to stay here tonight?” she asked and he nodded, and then kissed her, harder this time. Everything about her made him want her. It was all so different than it had been for him over the weekend. This was sweet and pure and simple and honest, and as he touched her, he could feel her longing and her passion. She had no illusions about him, wanted no promises from him. Whatever she did want from him was there for the taking. “Let's go to my bedroom.” Cheating on Meredith was something he had never done before, and yet with Anna, it seemed fair, and he wanted her very badly.
He followed her to a room the size of a closet. It was barely bigger than the bed, and there was a single light, next to the bed. She turned it on for a minute so they could get their bearings, and then turned it off and locked the door. He undressed her in the dark, and lay on the bed with her, and he could feel and sense her more than see her. But there was just enough light from the street lamp for him to see the silhouette of her beauty.
There were no words between them, no promises, no lies, only the sheer raw desire they had for each other, and as he took her, she moaned and moved and aroused him unbelievably. He felt completely overcome with passion. Being with her was like being exploded from a cannon, and when he lay spent in her arms afterward, they said nothing for a long time, and then she gently stroked his hair, like a child, and held him close to her. It was the happiest he had been in a long time, longer than he could remember.
“I don't want to hurt you, Anna,” he said sadly. “This could have a lousy ending for us.” It was almost sure to.
“So can life. It's good for now. If you can live with it, I can.” She wanted so little from him, wanted to take nothing from him, and all she had to give him was in his arms at that moment, but it was a lot more than his wife was willing to give him. “Just tell me when it's over, or you want out. You don't have to slam the door. You can close it softly.” But there were no doors he wanted to close now. He was still opening them, and as he explored her again with his hands and his tongue, she did the same to him, and what she gave him was a night he would long remember.
Chapter 17
MEREDITH DIDN'T SEE Steve for the next month, after the fiasco of the Valentine's Day weekend. She and Callan had to go to Tokyo and Singapore, and Steve could never seem to leave the hospital. They seemed to be drifting apart more each day, and they spoke on the phone less and less often.
She had been gone for five months, and romantically involved with Cal for nearly two, and she felt more a part of his life than Steve's now. They were with each other constantly, at work, at home, in her apartment at night, with his children on the weekend. And Andy finally looked at her curiously in mid-March, and asked her a question which shook her.
“Is your husband really going to move out here?” He wasn't being rude to her, but he wondered.
“I don't know, Andy,” she said honestly. It didn't look like it, and she wasn't sure she wanted him to. And a week later, Andy asked his father if Merrie was his girlfriend.
“We're just friends,” Cal explained, and Mary Ellen raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. They were fooling no one but themselves. But Steve was also no longer talking about the jobs he wasn't getting. In fact, he hadn't even complained about her not coming back to New York for weekends. It would have concerned her if she'd thought about it, but she was trying not to. And Cal asked her no questions. All he wanted was time with her, and he figured they would come to a decision later. He wasn't ready to make a commitment to her anyway. In some ways, this was perfect for both of them. And if Meredith had called Steve at home sometimes, she would have realized he was no longer sleeping in the apartment. She just assumed he was staying at the trauma unit. And she was relieved she didn't have to talk to him.
Harvey Lucas had been back at work for two weeks by then, but Steve had said nothing more about leaving. And he had asked Harvey to consider hiring Anna permanently. And after working with her for two weeks, Harvey agreed that she was terrific. They were trying to keep her for the moment, even on a temporary basis.
But when Meredith came back from Singapore, Steve said he wanted to see her. He had thought about it a lot lately and he was worried about what they were doing.
This time, he asked her before he came out. He didn't want to surprise her. She sounded hesitant at first, but she had no grounds to refuse him. She hadn't seen him in a month, and she knew that she couldn't avoid him forever.
“What are you going to say to him?” Cal asked this time. “Are you going to tell him?” He half wanted her to, and half didn't.