“Tell him what?” she asked honestly. “That I'm having an affair? That our marriage is over?” She didn't know what to say to him, or even what to think herself yet.
“That's up to you, Merrie.”
“Where do we stand, Cal?”
“Does it make a difference?”
“It might,” she answered.
“I think you have to make your own decision on this one. I don't want to be responsible for breaking up your marriage.” That said a lot to her. It told her he was a decent person, but also that he was as confused as she was. The one thing he knew was that he didn't like the idea of her spending the weekend with Steve, though he said nothing about it when she told him. He didn't want to put any pressure on her, and make the situation harder for her.
And when Meredith saw Steve, she was more confused than ever. There was something so comfortable and familiar about him. But this time, when he said he wanted to make love to her, she said she wanted to talk first. They sat down on the couch, and she still had no idea what she would tell him. The one thing she knew was that she didn't want to hurt him.
“I've made a decision, Meredith,” Steve said, and she braced herself for what was coming. She thought he was going to ask her for a divorce, and she didn't really blame him. She wasn't even sure what she would say when he said it. But he surprised her. “I don't think we have a lot of time left,” he said carefully. “If we wait a few more months, living like this, I think it's going to be over between us. We've drifted apart, Merrie,” he said gently. “I think we both know it.” She nodded, and didn't deny it, and wondered if he would ask her why, but he didn't. It occurred to her that maybe he knew, and didn't want to hear the words from her. But she said nothing as she listened. “I'm going to leave the hospital in New York. I talked to a hospital here, in the city. It's small but respectable, and they have a decent ER. It's nothing much, but they have a part-time job available. They get pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, fractures, bellyaches, crying babies with earaches. I can live with it for a while, if I have to. If I wait for the perfect job, we'll be finished by the time I get it. So, I'm going to give notice when I go back, and get my ass out here.” She was stunned by what he was saying, but she knew as well as he did, that if they were going to save their marriage, he had to do it.
“When would you come out?” she asked, without committing herself one way or the other. Her mind was racing as she asked him. Steve's announcement meant that she had to end the affair with Cal, and she didn't feel ready to do that, but knew she had to. “In two weeks,” Steve explained. “Harvey is back, and they have Anna to replace me.” He hadn't even told Anna yet. He wanted to talk to Meredith first, but he had a feeling Anna sensed it. It had gotten too good between them in the last month, and it was dangerous. He wanted to bail out now before he really hurt her. He had been more or less living with her for four weeks now, and he knew that if he wasn't prepared to make a commitment to her eventually, it would be bad for her, and Felicia. And he cared about them both too much to do that to them. According to her categories, he was married, and he was about to become an asshole.
Meredith was looking shocked by what he had just told her. “Two weeks?” Her voice cracked as she said it. But she also knew that it was now or never. They both did. And for the same reasons, although neither of them knew what the other was up to.
“There's no point waiting, Merrie. The hospital here will take me then. Harvey will be okay without me. I think if we're going to do it at all, we'd better do it now. We'll have been apart for nearly six months when I get here. That's a hell of a long time. Too long in my book.”
“I know,” she nodded. But all she could think of was Cal, and how she was going to tell him. And how much she would miss being with him.
“You don't look very happy, Merrie,” Steve said sadly. They had reached a hell of a rough spot in their marriage, and they both knew it. But he wanted to give it a try, before they blew it completely, and Meredith wasn't ready to let go of him either. “Think we can still make it?”
“I want to,” she said softly, and she did. She just didn't know if she could still do it. But she knew she had to try. Fifteen good years was too long to throw away, no matter how infatuated she was with Cal. She wondered if she'd have to quit when she told him. She had no way of gauging his reaction. And she realized she had to tell him now, before Steve gave notice. If she lost her job at Dow Tech, there was no point in Steve coming to California. She would go back to New York then.
“Let's do it, Merrie,” Steve said, and she nodded. She couldn't think of anything to say. She was overwhelmed with her own emotions.
They spent a quiet evening after that, talking about it, and he sensed something very different about her. She seemed so sad, and he sensed her sorrow and her loss, without understanding what it came from. Anna had told him a while back that she thought Meredith was involved with someone else, but Steve had told her, and believed, that it was unlikely. And he still believed that.
They didn't make love to celebrate. It didn't feel like a celebration to either of them, but it was an important decision. He went to the hospital in the city on Saturday, and when he left, she called Cal.
“I have to see you,” she said and wouldn't explain. She met him at his house ten minutes later.
“What's wrong?” He looked worried, with good reason. And she was quick and to the point when she told him.
“Steve's moving out in two weeks. He took a job at a small hospital, in an emergency room. He thinks that if he doesn't come now, it'll all be over between us, and he's right. I don't even feel married to him now. I feel married to you, Cal. But I don't think that's what you want. And I'm not sure I do either. I have to try this one last time. And if it doesn't work out, we can talk about us later, if you still want to. But right now, I owe it to him to see what we've still got. I don't think there's much left, but we have a lot of history between us. You and I have two months, and a very uncertain future.We've always known that eventually this would happen,” she said sadly. He had said not a word as she explained it all to him, but he looked devastated. Even though he had known this would come, he wasn't prepared for it. He didn't argue with her, or offer to marry her, or tell her he loved her. He didn't want to confuse or pressure her. He sat there stone-faced. But the problem was, after barely two months, he didn't know what he wanted either. He wanted her, but he didn't know under what conditions. And commitment was a big issue, and not one he was willing to undertake based on seven weeks of passion. He had been there. He should have been relieved that she was forcing him to make that decision. And yet as he listened to her he felt as though his world had ended. In fact, his world with her had.
“What I need to know from you,” she went on, “is what happens to my job now. Do you want me to leave? I don't want him to quit and move out, and then find out I'm being fired. If you want me to go, I'll resign now, and I'll just tell him I've decided to go back to New York with him. Cal, what do you want?” She said it as gently as she could. Her job was the least of their problems at the moment, and not what really concerned them.
“I want you to stay here as my CFO,” he said simply, in a voice that was raw with emotion. “I don't want to lose you.” He didn't want to lose what he had with her either, but he knew he was in no position to say that, and she wasn't offering to stay with him. She had made her decision. She had told him right from the beginning that she wouldn't give up her marriage and however little he liked it, he knew he had to respect that.
“Are you sure, Cal?” she asked gently. “This is going to be hard for both of us. This isn't going to be easy if you want me to continue working for you.”
“When is he coming out?”