“So am I,” he said sadly. The next day, he was waiting for her when she came home from work. And just like the old days, he had cooked her dinner. And as he poured her a glass of wine at the end of the meal, he told her what he had decided. “I'm leaving, Merrie,” he said gently, and sounded more like the man she remembered. She hadn't seen him like this in two months. They had been savages to each other. But there was just too much distance and disappointment.
“Leaving for where?” She looked confused. But he no longer did. He had finally come to a decision, and he wasn't happy about it, but he felt better.
“I'm going back to New York.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? Why?” She looked dumbstruck.
“Because it's over. We both know it, and neither of us had the guts to do anything about it. This doesn't work, for either of us. I don't know what you're going to do about your job. That's up to you, if it's not working out. But I can't stay here anymore. And we can't stay married.”
“Are you serious?” She was stunned. She had been beating on him like a punching bag, but it actually hadn't occurred to her that he would leave her.
“I'm very serious.”
“What about your job?”
“I quit this morning. I'd be more useful rolling bandages for the Red Cross. Believe me, they won't miss me.”
“Are you going back to the trauma unit?”
“I don't think so. I called some people in New York today. I want to look into doing some pro bono stuff for a while, maybe in underdeveloped countries, or in this country somewhere, like Appalachia. I don't know yet. I'll talk to them when I get back, and see where they could use me.”
“You hate that kind of stuff,” she reminded him, and he smiled sadly at her. She was still so beautiful, but she wasn't his any longer. He had lost her when she left New York, and he never knew it. But he knew it now. And he was finally willing to face it. He had to.
“I think I've grown up,” he said quietly. “I think I'd like to do that kind of work for a while, and feel like I'm putting something back into the human race, and not just patching up broken bodies.”
“But what about us?”
“I don't think there is an ‘us’ anymore. In fact, I'm sure of it. That's why I'm going.”
“I don't want you to go,” she said, as tears started to roll down her cheeks, and she reached out to him with a look of panic. He was all she had in the world, she had no family, and no friends here. And she didn't have Cal anymore. She had no one. She had Steve, and he was telling her it was over. It was a terrifying feeling.
“I can't stay here, Merrie. It's not good for either of us.”
“Do you want me to quit my job and come with you?” she asked and he shook his head.
“No, I don't. You have a life here. I don't. I'll always be there for you. Wherever I am, if you need me, I'll come running. You don't forget fifteen years, Merrie. But I can't do this anymore. It's over.” He sounded calm and relieved and he knew that when she adjusted to it, she'd be relieved too. “I'm sorry, babe,” he said softly.
“Don't leave me,” she whispered.
“Don't say that.” He walked around the table and put his arms around her, but he could not be swayed by anything she did or said or offered.
“When are you going?” she asked him again.
“Tomorrow morning.”
“What about our investments, and your share of the apartment money? You can'tjust disappear. We have to figure all that out. Have you called a lawyer?” She was in shock over what he was saying.
“No, I haven't called a lawyer. You can do that whenever you want to. And I don't want to figure out anything, on our investments or the apartment. You made that money, I didn't. It's yours. I don't want anything, Merrie. I wanted you. But that's all over.”
“I can't believe this,” she said, horrified by what he was saying. “Do you really mean it?”
“I do. We should have done this months ago when you were finding excuses not to come to New York. I didn't want to see what had happened, and I don't think you did either.” He didn't ask her if there was someone else, although he was beginning to suspect there might have been. But there wasn't now. She seemed as lonely and unhappy as he did. And he didn't tell her about Anna. It was no longer important, and he didn't want to hurt her. For him, the marriage was over, and Anna was a thing of the past, and had never impacted on their marriage. If anything, she had inspired him to save it. But he knew now that nothing could have done that. It was a relief to finally know it.
Meredith lay in his arms and sobbed that night and she called in sick to work the next morning. She stayed with him until he left, and it was a terrible moment when he walked out of the apartment. She was crying piteously, and he held her for a long time, and then finally said he had to go. He didn't want to miss his flight, and there was a cab downstairs, waiting to take him to the airport.
“I love you, Steve,” she cried. “I'm so sorry.” She was almost incoherent.
“So am I.” He kissed her one last time, picked up his bag, and hurried down the stairs to the cab. And as she watched from the window, he waved, and then was gone, as she stood staring in disbelief. Fifteen years of her life were over. And she had no one now. Not Steve. Not Cal. No one. Just herself to rely on. Steve had walked off to a new life. And as she stood there, looking out the window, she felt as though she had nothing.
Chapter 20
MEREDITH STAYED HOME from work for two days, and when she finally went back, she was unusually quiet. Callan was as disagreeable to her as he always was now, and she said nothing to him. Her personal life was no longer his problem. And she had nothing to say to him, except about what concerned his business.
As the shock of Steve's departure settled a little bit, she began to realize he had been right. They had been carrying a dead body around for seven months, and it needed to be buried.
And as she calmed down, she felt better able to deal with business. Steve had called from New York, to make sure she was all right, and he said he was staying with friends, and left her the number. But as lonely as she felt at night, she didn't call him. He had a right to his new life, and she knew she needed to recover.
She was thinking of quitting her job at Dow Tech and going back to New York. But she had decided to wait a month, and see if things got any better with Callan. He still seemed angry with her, but she was firmer with him now, and when he was unreasonable with her, she pushed back, and he was slowly backing off and getting the message. The respect that they had once shared seemed to be returning, if not the friendship.
And three weeks after Steve left, he asked her to help him entertain some analysts from London. She wasn't anxious to go out with him at night, but he said he was taking them to dinner in the city, and it was easy for her to join them. He told her he'd made a reservation at Fleur de Lys, and he'd pick her up on the way. She said she'd rather meet him there, but he insisted.
The dinner went very well, and he seemed to relax. She wore a new dress, and had her hair cut that morning, and she was finally beginning to feel like her old self, not the one who'd been in love with Cal, but the person she'd been even before she'd met him. And he seemed to sense it. He was respectful of her at dinner that night, and almost pleasant, but not quite. And after dinner, he drove her back to her apartment.
“How's Steve?” he asked politely as he pulled up in front of her building. “Does he like his new job?”
“Very much,” she answered, and thanked him for dinner.
“How are the kids?” she asked, and he said they were leaving in a few days to spend a month with their mother. It was late June and school was out. She didn't tell him how much she had missed them, or ask if they'd inquired about her. His children were no longer any of her business, just as her life wasn't his. They were simply employer and employee now.