“Are you enjoying living in the city?” he asked her as she started to get out.
“The commute is a little rough, but I like the apartment.” It was a lie too. But he had no right to the truth now. There were a lot of new things she had to get used to. Being alone. Being divorced. She had called a lawyer and started divorce proceedings. It was all very simple. Steve wanted nothing from her. He had walked away empty-handed, and preferred it that way.
“I'd like to see your apartment sometime,” he said, as he walked her to the door of the building, and she wanted to ask him why, but didn't.
“You'll have to come by for a drink the next time you're in the city.” But it was only idle conversation. She had no intention of inviting him anytime in the future.
“Which one is it?” he asked, looking up. It was a fairly pleasant building in Pacific Heights, but nothing special.
“The top floor,” she said, and then realized it was dark.
“Is Steve at work?”
“No, he's in New York,” she said honestly, and then decided that it didn't matter if he knew the truth now. It was over between them. “Actually,” she hesitated for a fraction of an instant, “he doesn't live here anymore. We're getting divorced. He left last month. He's in New York right now. He's going to do pro bono work in an underdeveloped country.” Callan looked as though she'd slapped him.
“Why didn't you tell me, Meredith?”
“I didn't think it was important.”
“It would have been once,” he reproached her. He looked hurt that she hadn't told him, but it told him something. It told him that she expected nothing from him, and she didn't.
“That was three months ago, Cal. And we had an agreement. Whenever Steve came back, the affair was over. You never said you wanted more than that. I didn't want to press myself on you when he left.” And she had realized since Steve was gone that she didn't want just an affair again, she wanted more than that, a real life, with a man who wanted to make a commitment. “I didn't think it was right to call you when Steve left. And you've been pretty angry at me since it ended.”
“I was hurt. And I was mad at myself for being so stupid. I was afraid to commit, Meredith. And maybe it was easier to let you go back to him, no matter how much I loved you. Besides, you needed to do that.”
She nodded. She couldn't deny that.
“And if I hadn't? What would have been different? You don't believe in commitment, Cal. You said so yourself. I respect that.”
“It must have been a rough three months,” he said gently, without challenging what she'd said about his feelings about commitment. But what he had said about loving her brought tears to her eyes, and she didn't want him to see them.
“It was rough. But I learned a lot. Not only about Steve, but about myself, who I am, and what I want.” Something about her had softened in the past three months, and he could sense that.
“What do you want, Merrie?” he asked, watching her carefully. She seemed different to him, and he liked it.
“I want a lot of things. Honesty, somebody, and something real. What I did was wrong. And I paid a price for it. A big price. But I know that I'm willing to be there for someone, and I want someone to be there for me. Not just for the good times.” She smiled at him, but from a great distance. “I might even want kids one day. You were probably right about that. I don't think it was ever right with Steve, or not for a long time anyway. We were too different, and I think I knew that.” And then she surprised him further. “I'm thinking of going back to New York. I was going to talk to you about it in a few weeks. I don't really belong here.”
“I thought you loved it here.” He looked personally wounded as they stood talking on the sidewalk.
“I thought so too. But I think it was a bad decision to come out here.” It had cost her her marriage. They might still have been married if she'd stayed in New York, but it was too late for that now. She had felt compelled to come out, and she and Steve had been pulled apart by irresistible forces.
“I think you'd be wrong to go back there,” he said firmly.
“Don't worry, I'll give you plenty of notice, Cal. Not like Charlie.”
“I know you would. I was thinking of you when I said it.”
“I'll let you know what I decide.”
“I want to be part of that decision. Let's talk about it.”
“Let's not,” she said quietly. “We don't have a lot to talk about, do we?”
“I thought we were friends.” He looked hurt by what she had said to him, and confused by everything she had told him. It was a lot to digest at one sitting.
“I thought so too,” she said quietly. “Maybe we weren't.”
“You did some wonderful things for me, Merrie. Not just for my business, for me. I was very upset when you went back to Steve. You know that.”
“I know,” she said sadly. “You had a right to be. I'm sorry I put you through that.”
“I knew what I was doing. I just didn't know how it would turn out. Neither did you. I actually thought it would work with you two. I'm surprised it didn't.”
“I missed you too much,” she smiled at him, honest with him. “I changed too much once I left New York. I did a lot of growing up here. Some of it thanks to you.”
“So I gather. Would it be inappropriate if I asked you what you're doing tomorrow night for dinner?”
“Not inappropriate,” she smiled, “but probably foolish. We've already been there. We've given it up. We've gotten over it. Why do it?”
“Because I want to talk to you.” He looked intense as he said it.
“Let's not do that. What would we talk about, Cal? Your hatred of commitment? The reasons why two people shouldn't trust each other, and can't count on each other? I don't want to talk about that. I've heard it. I got it. We've had our time. We've done it. We've both moved on. Let's leave it at that.” She looked determined as she said it.
“You're not giving me a chance here.”
She laughed softly. “I'm trying hard not to. I don't want you to confuse me.” She didn't want to start an affair with him again, and take the risk of hurting each other. She felt older, wiser, and far more cautious.
“Let me try at least,” he smiled at her, and she saw the man she had once fallen in love with. But she no longer wanted to see him. Steve was gone. And Cal was gone too. All she wanted to see in him was her CEO now. “I'll call you tomorrow,” he said firmly. And she told herself she wouldn't answer the phone, thanked him for dinner again, and left him on the sidewalk, while she walked upstairs to her apartment. He was still standing there when he saw her turn on the lights, and then got in his car and drove away, and she stood at her window, thinking about him. She wasn't going to dinner with him. There was no point. For her at least, it was over.
He called her the next day, as he said he would, and she told him she was busy that night, and had forgotten. And when the phone rang late that night, she didn't answer. She had nothing to say to him. And there was nothing she wanted to hear from him. She felt strangely peaceful as she let the phone ring.
And on Sunday morning, when she went out for a walk, she found him waiting outside, and she was startled.
“What are you doing here, Cal?” she asked, looking confused, and he laughed, looking somewhat sheepish.
“Waiting for you. Since you won't answer your phone or have dinner with me, you leave me no choice but to hang around like a juvenile delinquent.”
“You could have seen me at the office.”
“I don't want to discuss business with you, Merrie.”
“Why not? I'm good at it.”
“I know. We both are. But we're lousy at this other stuff. At least I am. I think you've gotten a little better at it, but you've had more practice. And I'm not as brave as you are. In fact, I've been scared to death for the last nine years … scared of everything you represented. Love, caring, sharing a life with someone, trusting, believing in them, being vulnerable. … I love you, Merrie. Come back to me. Teach me to do this.” He looked every bit as vulnerable as he said he wanted to be, and she wanted to reach out and hug him, but she didn't.