We sat silently together. I could hear the steady hum of the traffic from the nearby freeway. I continued to stare blankly at my mother’s name on the tombstone. His warm hand covered my own. Nothing in my entire life felt more right than that hand on mine.
“Did you ever go back to University House to see her?” Bryan’s soft question broke the silence.
“Once,” I admitted, with a sigh. “She didn’t even know who I was.”
“I’m sorry, Lace.” He squeezed my hand.
“Don’t be. I knew how she was. I was stupid to think she would ever change. You ever try to see your father?”
“No. Last I saw of him was in middle school. Good riddance if you ask me.”
I nodded. Having a shitty parent was a bond we shared. “She can rot in hell for all I care.”
“You’re not her, Lace Lowell,” he surprised me by saying.
“No, I’m not,” I agreed. “I’m getting out of here. I’m going to make something out of my life.”
“I know you will.” Bryan’s voice resonated with sincerity. His faith in me had never wavered. “You ever hear back from the counselor about your scholarship application to U of W?”
I shook my head. “That’s a long shot. They have over two thousand applicants for that one spot.” I pulled my hand free, smoothing both palms over my jeans as he continued to watch me. “Anyway, it only covered books and tuition, not living expenses.”
“Your uncle hasn’t changed his mind about you staying on after you graduate?”
“No. He’s getting remarried and his fiancée has kids of her own. They’re gonna have a full house as it is.”
“You could stay with us.”
My eyebrows lifted, I gave him a measured look. “I don’t think that would be such a good idea, do you?”
“I guess not.”
We both got quiet. Something way beyond friendship had been building between us lately that neither one of us was ready to address.
I pulled my knees up and dropped my chin to them. I could feel him watching me. “I’m not going to cry for her,” I whispered.
“I don’t expect you to.”
“I lost track of how many times she told me I was a burden to her. Mostly she ignored me. But there were a few times, usually when she was really wasted that she would let me crawl into her lap.” I pressed my lips together. “She’d stroke my back and sing to me.”
I risked a glance at him. He returned my look, the light of empathy shining in those beautiful eyes.
“It’s those few times with my old man that were really good that made me hate him. It’s so unexpected. It almost felt like a betrayal.”
I looked away, nodding. That’s exactly how I’d felt with her. “Why didn’t she love me, Bry?” That was it really, the part that bothered me the most about her passing. She might have been the world’s worst mother, but there was a part of me, a part that I despised, that still longed for her approval.
His arms went around me. His chin rested on the top of my head. I leaned back into him, my throat constricting so tightly it burned like fire.
“If only we could choose our parents, huh.” He kissed the top of my head and my knotted muscles loosened. “She was your mom, Lace,” he said softly. “But she was a wretched human being. She didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as you.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The incessant buzzing sound in my ears grew louder.
Stop.
I wanted to stay back there in that memory.
Safe.
Cherished.
Comforted.
In Bryan’s arms.
The noise in my ears wouldn’t go away, though. It solidified into voices, strong assertive male voices.
“She’s coming around,” one of them said.
26
Hunched over in the uncomfortable plastic ICU chair, I slowly lifted my head from my hands as War returned with a cup of coffee.
“Any news?” he grunted, taking the chair opposite me.
I shook my head. War and I had formed an uneasy truce as we waited. I glanced at the ICU door for the umpteenth time. This had been our basic routine for the past twenty-four hours. Monosyllabic communication punctuated by visits from King and Sager and periodic updates from Dizzy. As a family member, he was the only one actually allowed back there with her.
My stomach was a massive churning burning ball, despite the most recent reassurance from Dizzy that she remained stable. Sure she was, for now…maybe, but what about the next time? Heroin sucked people into the vortex and more often than not, spit them back out in a pine box. I shouldn’t have let it matter whose girl she was. I should have dragged her off that bus right to the nearest rehab facility the moment I’d discovered that she was using.
Should’ve.
Shouldn’t.
Shit.
I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, but the memory of that terrifying chaotic scene was something I couldn’t force out of my mind.
Beautiful vibrant Lace.
Gone.
Her body completely still as a corpse.
“Shane, I can’t find a vein. She’s used ‘em all up,” the older paramedic stated in a clipped voice.
“Go for the intraosseous, then,” the other one directed, continuing to breath for her through a tube they’d put down her throat.
I felt as helpless as I’d been as a twelve year old boy when that drug dealer had hurt her. I stood in the doorway and watched them work on her.
Beside me, Dizzy breathed desperate bargains with God.
There was a pop and a crackly sound as they punched a large needle into Lace’s shin bone. Body in shock, muscles tensed tight, and hands fisted, I offered my own silent prayer.
C’mon, Lace.
Suddenly, her body jolted. Her eyes blinked open and her chest rose as she took in a loud shuddering breath that sounded more like a gurgle.
“Narcan’s working,” Shane stated matter of factly. He turned Lace’s head to the side. And then she spewed vomit all over the hotel carpet.
“Glad we had the ET tube in already.” The EMT wiped her face clean and reattached an oxygen bag. Together the two men lifted her onto the stretcher and tightened down the straps. “Let’s get her in.
Shane’s partner nodded and spoke into a receiver tacked to his shoulder, “We have a code three. Heading to the truck. ETA twelve minutes.”
“Stand back,” Shane barked when they reached the door.
I blinked rapidly, my eyes burning as I stared down at hers. They were totally unfocused. She was incoherent and thrashing violently but ineffectively against the restraints.
“Tighten the straps, man,” Shane ordered. “Narcan’s making her agitated.”
As they wheeled her past, Dizzy and I hurried after them. We had to take a different elevator and caught up with them in the lobby. I felt a ton of eyes tracking our progress. By then it registered that War had joined us, looking as freaked as we were.
Out on the circular drive, someone flashed a cell phone camera.
Beth Tate suddenly materialized as if out of thin air. She held up her hands. “No pictures, please. Show a little respect.”
I stood with Dizzy and War as the paramedics loaded Lace into the back of the ambulance.
“I’m her brother.” Dizzy jumped in the moment Shane’s partner clipped the stretcher into place. At the same time, War and I both reached for the handle to climb inside.
“Sorry, guys.” Shane’s partner shook his head. “Only one’s allowed in the back. We’re taking her over to Celebration Health. You can meet us there.”