“Mr. Walker?” Sophia said.
“There was a previous case of noncontact conception,” Walker said. “Potentially. A young woman near a Civil War battlefield, Shiloh if I recall correctly, was hit by a minie ball in the stomach. In the uterus to be precise. She survived. A few months later she was clearly pregnant. There was a bit of a scandal since ladies were not supposed to get pregnant unless married. She insisted she was a virgin and a doctor confirmed it.”
“Seriously?” Olga said. “You’re making this up.”
“In the battle a young man had been hit in the right testicle by rifle fire,” Walker continued. “Eventually the two were united and ever after people swore the child looked exactly like him. This was, admittedly, based upon the crude medical knowledge of the time and hoary folklore but she did give birth nine months to the day after the battle. And, yes, it was Shiloh—it was what they named the child. They later married and it turned out that one was sufficient as she had four more children by him. All of them looked much the same. Of course, I suppose she could have been banging the same neighbor the whole time.
“Sperm is funny stuff. Some men have sperm that can’t swim straight. Others have, if you will, super sperm. Kryptonite won’t stop the little tadpoles. Oh, here’s another question. Lee Ann, do you like Kevin? Do you, occasionally, get sort of butterflies in your stomach?”
“I love him,” Lee Ann said. “I know this is his baby and I want to have it. I love him. I know you’re going to take him away but I’ll keep looking for him forever. I’ll cross the world and fight zombies to be with him.”
“It should be noted that Romeo and Juliet were fourteen and thirteen respectively,” Walker said. “Ah, true love. Which, among other things, causes the labia to open.”
“The what?” Kevin asked.
“The lips of the vagina,” Walker said. “I’m sure you’ve looked from time to time, you little pervert you. The labia is sort of the last line of defense. Salt water has the same chemical content as blood, semen or, for that matter, vaginal secretions. Which is why they taste salty. A little water in the bottom, a little nocturnal, or diurnal if napping during the day, emission, some sexual desire on the part of the young lady causing the labia to open and, voila, one blessed event with noncontact conception. Or, if the baby has a white beard and a halo upon birth, I’m wrong.”
“Or they did it like rabbits and are lying,” Olga said.
“There speaks the true cynic,” Walker said. “I’m promoting the vision of a medical miracle, something to be written up in studies if we ever are able to do something like that again, and you’re being a cynic.”
“I’m Ukrainian,” Olga said. “It’s genetic.”
“There’s a way to find out,” Walker said. “However, despite some rather extensive medical background, under the circumstances, the only male in the crew declines to do the check.”
“Extensive medical background?” Sophia asked. “More you have declined to mention?”
“I once took a course that included advanced midwifery, if you will,” Walker said. “More advanced nursing. But I don’t have a license. That’s currently beside the point. Any of you ladies up for doing a little peering? Lee Ann, did you ever go to the private parts doctor before the Plague?”
“Yes,” Lee Ann said. “Once. I sort of started early, and Mom…” She bit her lip, clearly trying not to cry.
“Okay, dear,” Walker said, leaning forward and taking her hand. “The thing is, when you ‘do it’ as the young people say, there’s a piece of tissue that tears. It’s why the first time sort of hurts.”
“Kevin told me that,” Lee Ann said.
“I only know ’cause, you know, you know,” Kevin said, incoherently. “I’ve never done it with, you know. I mean, I’ve never even done it, okay? There, I admitted it. I’ve never done it, okay?”
“You seriously think these two could lie about this?” Walker said to Olga.
“Getting to the point of saying no,” Olga said. “That spastic series of sentences could only come from a virgin.”
“The point is, there are other ways it could tear,” Walker said. “Did you use tampons or pads?”
“That’s pretty private, don’t you think?” Lee Ann said.
“I think we’re way past that point of privacy about your twat, Lee Ann,” Walker said. “Tampons or pads?”
“Pads,” Lee Ann said, pouting.
“Okay, now, Miss Olga is going to go with you into the cabin and she’s going to ask you to get like with the private parts doctor. And she’s going to have to fiddle about in your private area.”
“Why me?” Olga said.
“Because if there’s a woman on this boat more familiar with that view than you, I’d be much surprised,” Walker said.
“Is that a problem?” Olga said.
“No,” Walker said. “But if it comes up again, I’d like to watch.”
“Okay, you two, time out,” Sophia said. “So you want Olga to do an inspection? Down there?”
“Yes,” Walker said. “If she is virgo intacta there’s no way that he intentionally knocked her up. No seventeen-year-old heterosexual male can stop at ‘I’ll just put in the tip.’ Cannot. We don’t have a speculum but for something this simple you can use your fingers. Use gloves.”
“Miss McGregor,” Sophia said. “Are you okay with this? I’m saying, as the captain, that if everything is…there, then it’s not Kevin’s fault….”
“And I’ll get the spare room ready for three wise men,” Olga said.
“Hell, I’m calling the CDC,” Walker said.
“Ahem,” Olga said, coming out the lower decks. She was drying her hands off.
“Well?” Sophia asked.
“Well…” Olga said, frowning furiously. “Ahem… The smarmy bastard appears to be right.”
“Smarmy?” Walker said.
“Seriously?” Sophia said.
“Seriously,” Olga said. “It’s there. Fully intact. Shouldn’t it have stopped them?”
“Super sperm,” Walker said, shrugging. “And, Ensign, we really should call the CDC on this one. It’s not their field but it’s truly fascinating, medically.”
“I really didn’t do anything!” Kevin said. “Honest.”
“Except, you know, go all over a lifeboat,” Olga said.
“That is really not something that can be prevented,” Walker said.
“I know,” Olga said. “It’s just…Jesus she’s young, Tom!”
“Mary was thirteen,” Walker said, shrugging. “She’s not even the youngest in the squadron. Although the rest were pretty straightforward ‘what happens in the compartment’ and, no, we don’t want your help, thank you. We’re going to be looking for a desert island…”
“So what happens now?” Kevin asked.
“What happens now is that when Lee Ann gets her composure again, I get to piss all the women off again.”
“You’re serious?” Olga said, furiously. “You want them to do it? What is it with you men?”
“You want the full lecture?” Walker asked, seriously. “Or just the medical one? Here’s the medical one. Lee Ann is small. Very small. She’s not fully developed as a woman. She needed about a year to be really ready to be a prima gravitura…”
“What?” Sophia asked.
“First-time mother,” Walker snapped. “She is going to need all the help she can get with the delivery if it’s not going to be a C-section. Rate of survival on nonanesthetized, no antilabor drugs C-sections is essentially zero. C-section is out. Theoretically, somebody, not me, could perform a late-term abortion.”