Sam was exhausted, but sublimely happy. Willie was snuggled beside him, still sound asleep. There had been little sleep for either of them last night. They had made love three times during the night, something he’d not done since he was a very young man. In truth, he felt like a boy this morning, ready to take on the world. With Willie at his side.
Sam thought of kissing her awake and making love to her in the golden light of morning, but it seemed greedy and selfish. They would have a lifetime of mornings. Instead, he would let her sleep a while longer.
He slid carefully out of bed-dear God, he could easily get used to those crisp linen sheets-and found a pitcher of water on a washstand. It was freezing, but he splashed his face and washed up a bit before unearthing his clothes from the heap on the floor. He was almost dressed when he heard Willie stir. He sat beside her on the bed and kissed her.
“Good morning, Willie girl.”
“Sam.” She sat up and smiled, but her eyes seemed wistful and almost sad. “Thank you for waiting to say good-bye.”
A tiny knot twisted in his gut. Good-bye?
“Last night was wonderful. Glorious. It has been such a pleasure to see you again, Sam, and to talk out all that was between us. And to make love with you. What a night you have given me! I will never forget it.”
Her smile became a bit unsteady and her eyes looked over-bright. But her voice was even, and her intent clear.
“Thank you, Sam. And God’s speed to you.”
Did she really think he was going to leave her after finally finding her again? After loving her again? “I’m not going anywhere, Willie.”
“Yes, you are. You must go to Clophill and the Fullbrooks.”
He took one of her hands and caressed it. “Do you think I can walk away from you after last night?”
“Yes. You must.”
“No, I must not.” Sam could not understand why she was saying such things. After she’d slept naked in his arms. “God, Willie, I want to marry you. I want to spend my life with you. I was your first love, my girl, and I want to be your last love.”
She sat up straighter, wrapping the coverlet around her breasts. “What we had together back in Porthruan, the love we shared, was a very special thing, Sam. But what I did-”
“Willie, stop! I don’t blame you for-”
“-what I did with my life changed everything, irreparably. I am not the girl you once loved and never can be. We cannot go back, either of us. It is impossible.”
“Then let us go forward.”
“We can’t. There’s too much behind us.”
He took both her hands in his, willing her to trust him. “Willie, sweetheart, this could be a second chance for us. We don’t often get second chances in life.”
“I’m sorry, Sam, I can’t. It won’t work. There are no second chances. I’m sorry.”
The stubborn woman! Why was she being so difficult? He made an effort to keep anger and frustration out of his voice. “Why? Why won’t it work? It may have been impossible once, when there was too much guilt and pain, on both sides. But that’s long past. There is nothing now to keep us apart.”
She shook her head and met his gaze squarely, though a glimmer of what looked like sadness shone in her eyes. “The past will always keep us apart. Despite last night, I will always be damaged goods to you, irreparably soiled, and I could not live with the disdain your eyes. It might not be there at first perhaps, but it would come eventually, and I could not bear it. No, Sam, you are better off following your original course, to marry Miss Fullbrook. She will give you no cause for regrets.”
He dropped her hands and rose from the bed. Could she really be sending him away? He could not believe it. “You disappoint me, Willie. I thought you were beyond regrets. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? You say you are afraid I cannot forgive you, and yet I did so years ago. No, the real problem is that you cannot forgive yourself. For not knowing I lived. For not waiting for me. For breaking my heart. I think it is the disdain in your own eyes that troubles you, Willie, not mine.”
She threw back the covers and swung out of bed, gloriously naked. Good Lord, she was beautiful. And not just for a woman who’d passed forty, but for a woman of any age. How was he supposed to walk away from her, out of her life? There was a stubborn tilt to her chin as she donned a wrapper and tied it about her waist.
“No, you’re wrong, Sam. You believe yourself to be above it all now, with your mature tolerance and liberal-mindedness. But how will you tolerate wondering if every man you meet in London has shared my bed in the past? How long before you are asking for names? And once you’ve heard them all, how long will you continue to be able to touch me without disgust?”
“Oh, Willie, my love, I-”
“Stop.” She raised her hand, palm out. “I never cared what other men thought of me. They knew who and what I was, so it didn’t matter. Even with Hertford, because I was his whore before I was his wife. But you’re the only man who knew me before I entered the demimonde. Who knew my innocence. My pure heart. I will always care what you think of me, Sam. How you judge me. Which is why I cannot be with you. I can never be good enough because I cannot erase the past.”
“Willie.” She was breaking his heart.
She smiled, this time with more conviction. “But I am so very pleased that we had last night. It is a memory I will cherish forever. You will always be my first love, Sam. Even if we never see each other again, I will never forget you. Or last night. You were quite splendid.”
“And so you are sending me away?” His voice choked with emotion.
She stood before him, reached up, and placed a hand on his unshaven cheek. “You were on your way to another woman. Go to her. And be happy.”
Dear God, she was serious. Where had he gone wrong? Why was he unable to convince her that the past did not matter to him anymore?
Bewildered and bereft, confused and confounded, he kissed her and took his leave.
And what the devil was he supposed to do with his life now?
Wilhelmina collapsed against the door when he’d gone. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done. He was the biggest temptation she’d ever faced, but she’d forced herself to be strong and do the right thing, no matter how much it hurt.
And dear God, how it hurt. She’d never loved anyone the way she’d loved Sam. She had loved him, or the memory of him, for years, and now she had come to love the fine man he’d become. What a difference one night could make. But everything she’d said to him was true. She would rather live with the memory of their one lovely night than face a lifetime of his scorn. When she had entered into the life of the demimonde all those years ago, she’d known there was no looking back. Even marrying the duke did not wash away the stain of her past. To some people, she would always be a whore.
If she went with Sam, people would think of her as his whore, and she could not do that to him. She was accustomed to the label, but it would be a constant source of pain for Sam. He was better off without her.
But she’d had one night with him. One magical night. It would have to be enough.
She took her time getting ready to depart, lethargy and sorrow slowing every movement. She was strangely reluctant to leave this quaint old inn where she had reconnected with the one great love of her life. Ginny and Marsh were patient with her, though she sensed their frustration. Perhaps they were wiser than she. Perhaps it was best to get back to her life in London as fast as possible and forget about Captain Sam Pellow.
Smeaton managed the other servants and the luggage while Wilhelmina sat quietly in the carriage, nursing her heartache. At Wilhelmina’s request, they left her to ride alone. Ginny sat up with the driver, and Marsh rode in the other carriage with Smeaton. Wilhelmina wanted to sort out her thoughts in solitude during the drive to London.