She hadn’t even realized how desperately she wanted a change.
Maybe that was another curse to lay at the feet of Isabella Marinzoli St. Clair. Maybe she hadn’t even wanted a change before she’d begun translating the diary. Maybe she hadn’t known to want one.
But now…After this…
She had a feeling that nothing would ever be the same.
“When shall we return to Clair House?” she asked, eager to change the subject.
He sighed. Or maybe it was a groan. “I don’t suppose you’d take it well if I said I was going alone.”
“Very badly,” she confirmed.
“I suspected as much.” He gave her a sideways glance. “Is everyone in your family as obstinate as you?”
“No,” she said quite freely, “although they do come close. My sister Eloise, especially. You haven’t met her. And Gregory.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s a beast.”
“Why do I suspect that whatever he’s done to you, you’ve returned in kind, and then in tenfold?”
She cocked her head to the side, trying to look terribly dry and sophisticated. “Are you saying you don’t believe I can turn the other cheek?”
“Not for a second.”
“Very well, it’s true,” she said with a shrug. She wasn’t going to be able to carry on that ruse for very long, anyway. “I can’t sit still in a sermon, either.”
He grinned. “Neither can I.”
“Liar,” she accused. “You don’t even try. I have it on the best authority that you never go to church.”
“The best authorities are watching out for me?” He smiled faintly. “How reassuring.”
“Your grandmother.”
“Ah,” he said. “That explains it. Would you believe that my soul is already well past redemption?”
“Absolutely,” she said, “but that’s no reason to make the rest of us suffer.”
He looked at her with a wicked glint in his eye. “Is it that deep a torture to be at church without my calming presence?”
“You know what I meant,” she said. “It’s not fair that I should have to attend when you do not.”
“Since when are we such a pair that it’s tit for tat for us?” he queried.
That stopped her short. Verbally, at least.
And he obviously couldn’t resist teasing her further, because he said, “Your family certainly wasn’t very subtle about it.”
“Oh,” she said, barely resisting a groan. “That.”
“That?”
“Them.”
“They’re not so bad,” he said.
“No,” she agreed. “But they are an acquired taste. I suppose I should apologize.”
“No need,” he murmured, but she suspected it was just an automatic platitude.
Hyacinth sighed. She was rather used to her family’s often desperate attempts to get her married off, but she could see where it might be a bit unsettling for the poor man in question. “If it makes you feel better,” she said, giving him a sympathetic glance, “you’re hardly the first gentleman they’ve tried to foist me upon.”
“How charmingly put.”
“Although if you think about it,” she said, “it is actually to our advantage if they do think we might make a match of it.”
“How is that?”
She thought furiously. She still wasn’t sure if she wished to set her cap for him, but she was sure that she didn’t want him to think that she had. Because if he did, and then he rejected her…well, nothing could be more brutal.
Or heartbreaking.
“Well,” she said, making it up as she went along, “we are going to need to spend a great deal of time in each other’s company, at least until we finish with the diary. If my family thinks there might be a church at the end of the journey, they are far less likely to quibble.”
He appeared to consider that. To Hyacinth’s surprise, however, he didn’t speak, which meant that she had to.
“The truth is,” she said, trying to sound very offhand and unconcerned, “they’re mad to get me off their hands.”
“I don’t think you’re being fair to your family,” he said softly.
Hyacinth’s lips parted with astonishment. There was an edge to his voice, something serious and unexpected. “Oh,” she said, blinking as she tried to come up with a suitable comment. “Well…”
He turned, and there was a strange, intense light in his eyes as he said, “You’re quite lucky to have them.”
She felt suddenly uncomfortable. Gareth was looking at her with such intensity-it was as if the world were dropping away around them, and they were only in Hyde Park for heaven’s sake, talking about her family…
“Well, yes,” she finally said.
When Gareth spoke, his tone was sharp. “They only love you and want what’s best for you.”
“Are you saying you’re what’s best for me?” Hyacinth teased. Because she had to tease. She didn’t know how else to react to his strange mood. Anything else would reveal too much.
And maybe her joke would force him to reveal something instead.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” he said hotly.
Hyacinth stepped back. “I’m sorry,” she said, bewildered by his reaction.
But he wasn’t done. He looked at her squarely, his eyes flashing with something she’d never seen there before. “You should count your blessings that you come from a large and loving family.”
“I do. I-”
“Do you have any idea how many people I have in this world?” he cut in. He moved forward, closing in on her until he was uncomfortably close. “Do you?” he demanded. “One. Just one,” he said, not waiting for her reply. “My grandmother. And I would lay down my life for her.”
Hyacinth had never seen this sort of passion in him, hadn’t even dreamed he possessed it. He was normally so calm, so unflappable. Even that night at Bridgerton House, when he’d been upset by his encounter with his father, there had still been a certain air of levity about him. And then she realized what it was about him, what had set him apart…He was never quite serious.
Until now.
She couldn’t tear her eyes from his face, even as he turned away, leaving her only his profile. He was staring at some distant spot on the horizon, some tree or some bush that he probably couldn’t even identify.
“Do you know what it means to be alone?” he asked softly, still not looking at her. “Not for an hour, not for an evening, but just to know, to absolutely know that in a few years, you will have no one.”
She opened her mouth to say no, of course not, but then she realized that there had been no question mark at the end of his statement.
She waited, because she did not know what to say. And then because she recognized that if she said something, if she tried to imply that she did understand, the moment would be lost, and she would never know what he’d been thinking.
And as she stood there, staring at his face as he lost himself in his thoughts, she realized that she desperately wanted to know what he was thinking.
“Mr. St. Clair?” she finally whispered, after a full minute had ticked away. “Gareth?”
She saw his lips move before she heard his voice. One corner tilted up in a mocking smile, and she had the strangest sense that he’d accepted his own bad luck, that he was ready to embrace it and revel in it, because if he tried to smash it, he was simply going to have his heart broken.
“I would give the world to have one more person for whom I would lay down my life,” he said.
And then Hyacinth realized that some things did come in a flash. And there were some things one simply knew without possessing the ability to explain them.
Because in that moment she knew that she was going to marry this man.
No one else would do.
Gareth St. Clair knew what was important. He was funny, he was dry, he could be arrogantly mocking, but he knew what was important.