“I love you, too.”
“Thanks for not giving up on me.”
“I’ll never give up on you.”
CHAPTER 23
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
—C. S. Lewis
They stayed there like that for a long time, the room growing darker before he finally withdrew from her and moved onto his back, bringing her with him. She wanted to curl up to him, to wallow in the heat and comfort of him next to her, but it was time to tell him about the trip. Preparations had to be made by both of them to be ready to leave at six in the morning. She couldn’t wait any longer.
Kissing his chest, she said, “Let me up for a minute.”
“As long as you come right back.”
“I’ll come right back.”
He kissed her lips before letting her go. “Hurry up.”
“Always in such a hurry.”
“Only when you’re around.”
Her heart pounding with excitement, she used the bathroom and then went to find the packet she’d printed at work the day before. “Here goes nothing,” she whispered as she returned to the bedroom. Before getting back into bed, she turned on the bedside lamp.
Gavin winced from the sudden onset of light. He blinked her into focus. “What’ve you got there?”
“Your surprise.”
“Oh, I’d almost forgot about that.” He raised himself up on one elbow. “What is it?”
“Before I tell you, I want you to know that I did this for you because I think you’ll enjoy it and I want you to be happy. I hope you’ll like it.”
“I’m beyond curious.”
Her mouth was suddenly dry as she handed over the packet of papers that included plane tickets, pictures from the resort and information about their reservation.
He opened it, looked it over and then glanced at her, his jaw tight with tension. “What is this, El?”
“It’s a trip to Dylan’s wedding, all paid for and arranged. We leave in the morning.”
“You . . . You set this all up?”
“I did,” she said, swallowing hard. “And don’t worry about work. Your dad talked to Clinton, and he’s more than happy to cover for you next week so you can get away.”
“My parents know about this, too?”
She nodded. “So does Dylan. He was very excited about it and said to tell you how much it’ll mean to him to have you there for his wedding.” As she spoke, she couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t seem happy about the surprise. He seemed . . . less than pleased.
“I can’t believe you did this.”
“I thought it would be fun to get away from it all for a week, to go to your friend’s wedding—”
“I can’t go, Ella. There’s no way I can go.”
“What do you mean? I just told you, work is covered—”
“It’s not covered.” He got up out of bed and pulled on his underwear and then rested his hands on his hips. “Clinton is great, but he’s never been left in charge before. I can’t just walk away from my responsibilities for a week because you think it would be fun.”
“Gavin, let’s talk about it—”
“I’m really sorry. It was nice of you to do this and to think of me this way, but I can’t do it.”
“You’re closed down for the weekend. You could come for a few days. Surely your business wouldn’t fall apart if you missed a couple of days. I’m missing one of the biggest weeks of the year in the store, and it’ll be fine.”
“Because you have people to cover for you. I don’t have that.”
“Yes, you do!”
“So two weeks together and suddenly you know my business better than I do? Wow. That’s one hell of an accomplishment.” He turned away from her and went into the other room.
Frantic to salvage this disaster, Ella scrambled out of bed and pulled on a robe before following him into the living room, where he was getting dressed. She was shocked to see him getting ready to leave. “What’re you doing? Where’re you going?”
“I’m going home. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but we both knew I would eventually, so it’s better that it happen sooner rather than later. You deserve someone who could receive an amazing gift like this with grace and appreciation. I’m not that guy.”
“Would you please stop and just talk to me? Tell me what’s really going on here.”
“I did tell you, but you don’t believe me when I say I can’t be away from work.”
“Okay, so we won’t go.”
“You should go. You spent all that money. You shouldn’t let it go to waste.”
“Go without you? To your friend’s wedding?”
“He’s your friend, too. You and your brothers and Hannah have known him for years.”
“Gavin, you’re being crazy. Why would I go to Dylan’s wedding without you?”
“Because you’ll be out all that money if you don’t go.”
“Please stay and talk to me.”
“What’s there to talk about? You’ve always wanted more from me than I’m able to give. This is the proof.”
“So that’s it? It’s over? Just like that? Because I tried to do something nice for you?”
“No, because you’re too good for me. You deserve better.”
“Gavin, I swear to God, if you walk out that door, don’t come back. You won’t be welcome.”
“I’m sorry, Ella. You’ll never know how sorry I am that I couldn’t make this work.”
With those words, he walked out the door, closing it behind him. As the lock clicked into place, Ella stared at the door, riveted by the memory of making love with him there. Her eyes filled with tears that she barely registered.
“What the hell just happened here?” It defied explanation. It defied belief. Never in her worst nightmares had she expected the reaction she’d gotten from him. She’d expected that he might be a little tense about work, but she’d thought that perhaps he’d call Clinton and go over everything with him and at least try to make it work.
But he hadn’t done that. He’d just said thanks but no thanks and then left. She couldn’t believe he’d actually left. There had to be more to this than work. But what was it and why wouldn’t he tell her rather than end a relationship that was making them both happy over a trip no one was going to force him to take?
It didn’t make sense. It didn’t add up.
Ella stared at the door for a long, long time before she turned and went into the kitchen to call his mother.
* * *
Gavin’s hands were shaking so badly he could barely drive. God, what had he done? It would be a very long time, if ever, before he forgot the shattered expression on her lovely face. He was a heartless bastard for letting this happen in the first place. That was where he’d made his first mistake.
The time with her had been amazing—the best days of his life—but all along he’d been waiting to fuck it up. He’d known he would. He couldn’t tell her why he didn’t want to go to the wedding. He’d never told anyone why he’d taken a step back from his brother’s friends after Caleb died.
How could anyone understand what he barely understood himself?
No, he’d done the right thing. He kept telling himself that over and over again on the lonely, dark ride home. For a brief moment he thought about driving out of town to a place where no one knew him so he could get drunk in peace.
But he rejected that idea and headed home, where he had plenty of whiskey and could tie one on in the privacy of his own space.
He pulled up to the cabin and went inside where it was cold and dark. If only his fucking hands would stop shaking, he thought as he built up a fire in the woodstove. When his legs would no longer support him in a squat in front of the fireplace, he fell back to the floor, coming to rest against the sofa.