“Then you have a decision to make. Give him another chance or don’t. Which would be harder to live with?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“You need to decide—ASAP. He looks rather . . . determined.”
Ella couldn’t deny that she’d noticed a different sort of air about him since he’d arrived out of the mist at the wedding. Like he’d resolved something important in the time they’d spent apart. “Since he came all this way, I suppose I’ll hear him out. And then I can decide what I want to do.”
“For what it’s worth, that’s what I would do, too.”
“It’s worth a lot. Thanks, Hannah, for everything the last few days.”
Hannah curled her arms around Ella’s arm and rested her head on Ella’s shoulder. “That’s what big sisters are for.”
They enjoyed a delicious dinner of jerk shrimp, chicken and beef, rice, salad, vegetables and succulent fruit. The courses kept on coming, along with wine and champagne and rum punch.
Though he sat next to her at dinner, Gavin made no attempt to get her to talk to him. But she was acutely aware of his presence nonetheless. Every so often his leg would brush against hers under the table or his arm would land on the back of her chair, the possessive gesture setting off a primal need in her.
She wanted to hate him for what he’d put her through, but she didn’t hate him. No, she loved him as much as she ever had, and as she fixated on his muscular forearm and the sprinkling of dark hair, she was forced to acknowledge that she would always love him. No matter what happened next.
After dinner, everyone got up to dance, leaving Ella alone at the table with Gavin. Every nerve ending in her body was on full alert, waiting to see what he would do.
“Take a walk with me?” he asked in a low intimate tone.
She looked at him for a long moment, taking in the rugged, handsome features that had held her captive for so long, and then nodded, powerless to deny him, even though she knew she ought to.
He helped her up and out of her chair and guided her from the pavilion with his hand on her lower back.
Ella felt the eyes of everyone she knew on them as they walked out and was deeply grateful for the protective presence of her siblings, who would be there for her no matter what transpired between her and Gavin. She took comfort in the certainty of their unwavering support.
They stepped onto the beach, and Ella kicked off her shoes, leaving them by the stairs.
Gavin did the same, removing his flip-flops and putting them next to her sandals. Then he took hold of her hand and led her to the water’s edge. He wore a white linen shirt that showed off the wide expanse of his shoulders, along with khaki pants that hugged him in all the right places. As always, the sight of him made her want to drool with lust. No matter what had transpired between them, her desire and deep, abiding love for him were the two things she could never deny.
“It’s beautiful here,” he said, gazing out at the moonbeams on the flat calm water.
“It sure is.”
He turned to face her, taking hold of her other hand and bringing their joined hands to his chest. “I’m so sorry, Ella. Before I say anything else, I need you to know that. I screwed this up so bad, and I’m very, very sorry. I have been since the other night when it first happened.”
“Will you tell me what exactly happened? Because I’m not really sure.”
He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “What you did, arranging the trip and everything, it was a really nice thing for you to do. I’ll always be sorry that I reacted the way I did.”
Ella had so many questions that she didn’t ask. She needed him to tell her what this was about. She needed him to want to tell her.
“Ever since Caleb died,” he began haltingly, “I’ve struggled with where I fit among the friends we shared. It’s really hard for me to be around them. More than anything, the time I spend with them reminds me so profoundly of what’s been lost. They’re great guys, the best guys I’ve ever known. I love every one of them. They’re our very best friends, and yes, they were and are our friends, not just his. Despite how it might seem sometimes, I really do know that.”
He released her hands and turned to face the water. “As much as I love them, and as much as I loved Caleb . . . They’re a bunch of crazy bastards. Some of the shit we’ve done would give you gray hairs if you knew about it. They’re always pushing the envelope, coming up with new ways to challenge themselves and each other. A lot of that came right from Caleb, the craziest of the crazy. There was nothing he wouldn’t do, especially if someone dared him. I once saw him jump from the top of a waterfall, having no idea what was on the bottom.”
Ella crossed her arms against a sudden chill, which was odd because the night air was warm and humid.
“Scared the fucking shit out of me when he did stuff like that. The rest of them, they just went along with whatever he cooked up. You name it, we’ve done it. We’ve outrun avalanches on mountains and zip-lined in the jungle, jumped out of perfectly good airplanes. They’ve been talking lately about climbing a mountain somewhere. The e-mails and texts from that crew would make for a good reality TV show.”
As Ella listened to him, she began to get an idea of where this was headed—and then he confirmed it for her.
“I can’t do that shit anymore,” he said softly. “I just can’t take those kinds of chances. I can’t do it to my parents.”
Drawn to him the way she always was, Ella laid her hand on his back and leaned her head against his shoulder. “Why didn’t you just say so?”
“Because I’ve never said it to anyone before. I’ve never come right out and acknowledged that I’m unwilling to go along with their crazy shit anymore because my parents have already lost one son senselessly. I’ll be damned if they’ll lose another.”
“Gavin . . . Anyone would understand that.”
“I don’t think the guys would understand. They’d call me a pussy and say I’m a chickenshit, which would piss me off and make me forget why I can’t do whatever it is they want me to do. It’s just easier for me to keep my distance than to resist their crazy ideas.”
“So you cut yourself off from people you love rather than just tell them what you told me? That doesn’t make sense.”
“Maybe not, but it’s how I’ve coped. When you told me about the wedding, that’s what I was thinking about. It wasn’t about you or coming here with you, despite how it might’ve seemed. My coping mechanism was threatened, and I lashed out at you, which was the wrong thing to do. It was the worst thing I could’ve done, and I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I already have,” Ella said. How could she not when he spelled it out so plainly?
“You have?” He turned back to face her, stepping closer. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Thank God, Ella. Thank you for understanding. I promise this will never happen again. I was such an ass. I’m so sorry.”
“It will happen again.”
“But wait, you just said . . . You understand.”
“I understand what happened the other night, and I appreciate you coming here and clueing me in as to what went so wrong. That answers a lot of questions for me.”
“But?”
“But . . . I don’t think I can do this anymore, Gavin. As much as I wish I could, I just don’t think I can put myself through it.”
His arms came around her like bands of strength, binding her to him. “Please don’t say that. I fucked up. I told you I would. But I’m determined to not let it happen again. I need you so much. More than you’ll ever know. I feel like my entire life has come down to you and how much I need you. I’ll do whatever you want me to do, just please don’t tell me it’s over. Please, Ella.”
As tears poured down her cheeks, she pressed her face to his shirt.
“Baby, don’t cry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’d give anything to go back to Thursday night when we were still in bed and everything was perfect.”
“Before I ruined it by trying to surprise you.”