“You didn’t ruin it. I did. I take full responsibility for that. I love you so much, El. I’ll always love you. Please give me another chance to be what you need. I won’t let you down this time.”
She cried softly in his arms, wrapped up in his strength and that irresistible scent.
“Ella, say something. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“The part that hurt the most wasn’t that you didn’t want to go on the trip. It was that you walked away from me over it. What you said that night . . . That’s the part I can’t stop thinking about. I didn’t care about the trip. I always knew it was possible you might not want to go or be able to . . . But that you ended it with me five minutes after we made love. I can’t get past that, Gavin, as much as I wish I could.”
“That was a huge mistake. I overreacted. I was scared. I said things I shouldn’t have said.”
“How do I know that’s not going to happen again?”
“I’m promising you, right here and right now, that will never happen again.”
“How can you promise that? If you’d asked me Thursday if it would happen, I would’ve said no way. I don’t know if I can live with the fear of something I say or do setting you off and making you walk away. It’s like walking through a minefield.”
His body went rigid and he winced.
“Oh God, Gavin, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay. It’s an apt description.”
“I should’ve thought of another way to say it.”
He drew back from her, and framed her face with his hands, brushing away her tears with his thumbs. “I love you, and I’m standing here promising I will never walk away from you again, no matter what. All I have to give you is my word, Ella. I give you my word. What happened the other night will never happen again.”
She wanted to believe him. She wanted so badly to believe him, to hang on to his assurances with everything she had. But the pain was still so fresh, so present. The ache in her chest had dissipated somewhat since he arrived, but it hadn’t gone away entirely.
“Ella?”
“I want to believe you. I really do.”
“You can believe me. I’ve had two incredibly long days without you to figure out that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to fix this, to have you back in my arms where you belong. Tell me you still love me, that I haven’t ruined us completely.”
“I do still love you—”
His lips came down on hers, hard and swift, his tongue persuading her to open her mouth to him, to welcome him back in. His arms came around her, holding her in place for his fierce possession.
This was insanity. One minute she was thinking about how she could convince him to let her go. The next minute she was so wrapped up in him again that the thought of letting him go seemed the most preposterous thing she’d ever considered.
Because she had no choice where he was concerned, she wrapped her arms around his neck and lost herself to his kiss. Many minutes later, he broke the kiss and turned his attention to her neck, setting off a shiver that traveled all the way through her. “Take me back to your room, Ella. I need you. I need to show you how much I love you.”
Though she was still confused and not at all convinced that taking him back was in her best interest, she joined her hand with his and walked with him to where they’d left their shoes. Without another word passing between them, they picked up their shoes and carried them as they walked barefoot through the winding path that led to her room.
She proceeded up the stairs ahead of him, acutely aware of his eyes on her as she went. Outside her room, she used the keycard she’d tucked into her dress to open the door.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said as the door clicked shut behind them. “What you’re feeling.”
“I feel powerless.”
“Ella, honey, you have all the power here.”
“No, I don’t. You have the power to ruin me.”
“I don’t want to ruin you. I just want to love you. That’s all I want.”
“I’m scared of how much I love you. It hurts me when you can’t be what I need.”
His eyes filled and he closed them, his jaw tightening as he wrestled with his emotions. When he opened his eyes, he showed her his heart. “I’m going to be everything you need, and then some. I’ll never let you down again, Ella. I promise you with everything that I am, you can trust me.”
God, she wanted so badly to believe him. She’d never wanted anything more than she wanted to take his assurances to the bank and invest them in her future. As he kissed her neck and unzipped her dress, Ella closed her eyes and tried to give in to the desire he always stirred in her.
But in the back of her mind was the scene from Thursday night, when he’d made love to her and then walked away from her because he’d let his demons come between them. What would she do if that happened again?
She told herself to let go of the past, to start fresh from this minute forward and hope for the best. Except . . . She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t pretend like the other night hadn’t happened, as much as she wanted to.
“Stop, Gavin. Stop.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this. I can’t just pick up where we left off like nothing happened. You hurt me. Deeply.”
“Ella—”
She turned away from his outstretched hand. “And you embarrassed me in front of my family and your parents and friends. Everyone knew you were supposed to be with me. What am I even doing here without you? Dylan is a wonderful guy, but he’s not my friend. He’s yours.”
“I wish there was something I could say that would convince you how sincerely sorry I am.”
“I believe you. I know you’re sorry. I know you wish it didn’t happen. But it did happen, and I can’t act like it didn’t.”
“So I’ve ruined everything? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I don’t know. I need some time to process it. I’m not sure how I feel about it, and until I figure that out, I can’t do this.”
“What can’t you do?”
“This! I can’t have sex with you and be with you this way. I’m confused and conflicted.”
He sat on the bed, leaning on his knees, his head down and his eyes hidden from her. “Conflicted how?”
“My better judgment is telling me to get out while I still can, that this relationship isn’t healthy for me. But my heart . . . My heart cries out for you, it beats for you, it loves you and only you.” She swiped furiously at the tears that cascaded down her face.
After running his fingers through his hair repeatedly, he finally looked up at her. “I’m rooting for your heart to prevail.”
Though the tears continued to come, she laughed.
Gavin stood and came over to her. “What do you want to do?”
“I—I was going to go home tomorrow.”
Placing his hands on her shoulders, he said, “Please don’t. Stay here with me this week. Let’s have this time together to see if we can put this back together.”
Ella thought about it for a minute before she nodded. “Okay.”
“I’ll see about getting my own room.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“You said you wanted some time—and I assume some space. I don’t want to crowd you.”
“It’s okay. You can stay here. With me.”
“You’re sure?”
Ella nodded again.
He caressed her face, and Ella leaned into his touch. “What can I do, Ella? Tell me what to do.”
“I don’t know. I just know I’m not ready to jump back in with both feet. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. I do. Very much so.”
“That’s a good place to start.”
The phone rang, and Ella moved away from him to answer the call from the concierge, who was checking on the meeting she’d requested for after the wedding. She looked at Gavin, who was watching her closely, when she said, “I’ve decided to stay for the week.”
CHAPTER 28