For love, she would tell him all her secrets. For love, she would admit her failings. She would do this to help him understand her, even knowing that it might kill his regard for her.
If he lived through the duel, he deserved the chance to decide for himself. He’d already given her that chance.
She pressed her fingers against her eyes for a long moment. Then she stood, picked up a lamp, and carried it to the writing desk at which she so often worked.
It was likely that he would live. Most duels were settled bloodlessly, with a symbolic shot into the ground. But she couldn’t be sure; both Henry and Wadsworth were in deadly earnest about proving their honor.
All she could do was wait, and write, and hope that the truth would help Henry find her again someday.
She pulled paper, pen, and inkwell close to her. Tapping the quill on the blank sheet, she thought for a minute, then plunged in. She wrote for hours, her hand traveling over page after page, until her fingers ached from holding the pen and her eyes felt crammed with sand.
When she finished, she signed the letter, at last, with her own name.
By that time, the sun was already clawing faint scratches in the night sky. Frances found a tired-eyed maid just beginning her morning rounds. She had a footman woken, had the letter taken to Tallant House.
She did not know if it would arrive soon enough to reach Henry before the duel. Or if he would read it. Or if it would make any difference.
For that, it might have been too late before she wrote a single word.
Twenty-Three
The blackness just before dawn was a beautiful time of day.
This in-between time lingered only a sliver of an hour, yet Henry knew it well from his years in the army, from early rising to ready for battle or siege, or simply preparing for another long slogging march. It was a time of exhaustion, when it seemed the night would never end. But it was a time of promise too, just before everything changed, before the sun washed away the darkness and made the impossible seem possible. This darkness felt different from that of the grimy night.
Chalk Farm was stark and silent in the dim. Henry was unfamiliar with the field at the edge of Town, but Jem had assured him that Wadsworth chose the location well. More isolated than Hyde Park, it was deserted at this hour. Not even animals lowed. Only a breeze whispered through the chilly damp.
As Henry stepped out of Jem’s carriage, he could vaguely make out the shapes of trees studding the field, of men with covered lanterns milling around. He’d been sure he would beat Wadsworth to the dueling ground, but he had underestimated the viscount’s courage.
He wouldn’t do so again.
His boots rustled through the grass, eating up distance with great speed. He was ready. More than ready. A little too ready. A cool head was a necessary asset during battle, but Henry had too little sleep and too much to prove to feel cool-headed right now.
A hand seized his arm, jerking him to a halt in midstep.
Jem, of course. Henry squinted at his brother in the faint light cast by Jem’s carriage lanterns. “What? Let’s get started. Everyone else is already here.”
Jem’s head turned in the direction of the shadowy figures beneath the trees, but there was not enough light for Henry to see his expression. “Hal. Please think again. Reconsider this duel. If you would only apologize to Wadsworth, we could settle this whole affair and neither one of you need risk your life.”
Henry shook his arm free. “I’m not going to apologize.”
Jem sighed. “Hal, you must see reason. You could be killed. Wadsworth will shoot you—or even if he doesn’t, you won’t be able to fire back at him without your right hand.”
“You should have more faith in your own brother, Jem. Perhaps I’ll shoot him instead.” A jittery bubble of mirth rose up in his chest and tried to force its way out.
“No. No, you mustn’t do that. I don’t much like the man, Hal. But please, think of the scandal of it. The coroner. I might be tried along with you, you know, if he dies. For my sake, reconsider, if not for your own.” Jem’s voice grew quieter as he spoke. “For my sake, Hal. Don’t do this. Please. Don’t do this to yourself.”
Jem turned his face back to Henry, and the glow from the carriage lanterns etched deep lines in his face. He looked as though he had lost all hope.
Henry was breaking his unbreakable brother. The look on Jem’s face, more than anything else Henry had seen or thought in the last twenty-four hours, shamed him.
And that was a day that included a failed attempt to seduce Frances, a botched proposal, his public argument with Wadsworth, his challenge to a duel, and the revelation about the letters. Frances’s trickery. The betrayal of his trust. The betrayal of… himself, really.
It was a day that had unmade Henry in every way, but not until this moment had he felt himself crumble.
He and Jem were separated by nearly a decade, by a title, by years apart. By temperament. By certainty. Jem was certain Henry was going to die or be disgraced, and he was certain there was nothing he could do about it. And he could not bear it.
It was a brother’s love, pure and simple, and as painful and fruitless as any other type of love.
Henry could not please his brother now. He had meant what he had said to Jem the day before; he was doing this for himself. If he backed down now, he would know that he had failed himself: that he could not let the war end, and that the French would never stop defeating him, and he would never truly come home. He could not let that happen.
It was fitting, somehow, that one last battle would allow him to begin a life of peace.
Besides, he had weapons Jem knew not of. He had stayed awake for long hours after leaving Frances the night before. He had taken a full inventory of himself. He knew exactly what was in his possession now and what was not.
“Trust me, Jem.” He offered his brother a smile, but he did not know if the faint sun-red beginning to creep over the horizon revealed his face to his brother.
Trust me. It was all he wanted. All he asked of those he loved.
He suppressed the thought. Time enough to think of that later. Of Frances. Caro. The snarl of his life. He would comb it out smooth this morning or simply cut the Gordian knot.
“Very well,” Jem said after a long pause. Abruptly, he strode toward the trees and the waiting opponents, and Henry followed, falling into step at his side.
As they walked, Jem recited the procedure in a flat voice. “Lord Carlson is serving as Wadsworth’s second, and he and I have worked out the terms. You will duel with pistols, as you know. Carlson is bringing a set. You will step out twenty paces, turn, and fire. Because you issued the challenge, Wadsworth will fire first. I was able to persuade him down to one shot for each of you. Carlson has arranged for a surgeon to be present.” Jem halted once more. “It will all be done as quickly as possible. I thought that might be easiest.”
For most of them, it might. But to Henry it mattered not at all. He was beginning to feel quite calm. His jumpiness, his too-eagerness, was smothered under sharp awareness as the moment for action drew near. It was as if the slowly brightening sky was sinking into him, burning off everything but the present moment as surely as it sipped the dew from the grass.
“Don’t worry about me, Jem,” Henry said as they began to walk again. “Wadsworth might not find this as easy as he expects. Which makes it all the easier for me.”
He could see the grass beneath his feet now, still shadowed black under the faintly red light of the peeping sun. Dark as atramentum, ruddy as dragon’s blood. All the beauty of art was before him again this morning. Henry did not know whether it would turn still lovelier or if it would all turn ugly.