Lvov enters.
LebedevAh, Aesculapius, we’re honoured . . . (Shakes hands with Lvov and sings.) ’Oh save me, Doctor, dear Doctor, I’m dying and scared to death . . .’
LvovIsn’t Ivanov here?
LebedevNot yet – I’ve been over an hour waiting for him, too.
Lvov paces up and down the stage impatiently.
LebedevHow is Anna Petrovna?
LvovShe’s bad.
Lebedev(sighs) Would it be all right to look in on her, just to show we –
LvovNo, please don’t. I think she’s asleep now.
Pause.
LebedevShe’s a nice woman, I like her . . . (Sighs.) When she fell down in a faint that day on Sasha’s birthday, I took one look at her face and I knew she hadn’t got long. I never understood what made her faint just then. I run in, I take one look, there she is, pale as death, lying on the floor, Nikolay on his knees beside her, also gone white, and Shurochka in tears. It shook us up for a week.
Shabelsky(to Lvov) Here’s one for you, as one of the medical priesthood. Who’s the genius who worked out that women with bad chests might benefit from frequent visits from a young doctor? It’s a great discovery. A breakthrough. Does it come under homeopathy or allopathy, would you say?
Lvov makes to answer, but gestures contemptuously and goes out.
What’s known as a withering look.
LebedevStill, that was uncalled for. Why insult him?
Shabelsky(irritably) Because he’s a liar. ‘Tuberculosis – no hope – death’s door’ . . . It’s just lies and I won’t have it.
LebedevWhat makes you think he’s lying?
Shabelsky(stands up and walks around) I refuse to accept that somebody all of a sudden and for no particular reason can just die. Can we drop the subject?
Kosykh runs in, catching his breath.
KosykhIs Nikolay Alekseevich here? Good morning, good day, everyone.
He quickly shakes hands with everyone.
Is he at home?
BorkinNo, he isn’t.
Kosykh(sits down and then jumps up) In that case, I’m off! (Drinks a shot of vodka and takes a snack.) Must get on. Things to do . . . I’m so tired I can barely stand.
LebedevWhere’ve you come from?
KosykhBarabanov’s. Been playing cards all night, just finished. Lost my shirt. That Barabanov plays like a blacksmith. (In a tearful voice.) Just listen to this. I was holding hearts from the off.
He turns to Borkin, who jumps back from him.
He leads diamonds – I follow with hearts – and he plays another diamond! I didn’t get a trick. (To Lebedev.) We play four clubs. I had ace, queen, five, and in spades, ace, ten, two . . .
Lebedev(stops his ears) Spare me, for the love of Christ!
Kosykh(to the Count) You understand. Ace, queen and five of clubs – ace, ten and two of spades –
Shabelsky(pushes him away) Go away. I’m not listening.
KosykhAnd then disaster – my ace of spades trumped in the first round –
Shabelsky(grabs a revolver from the table) Go away or I’ll shoot!
KosykhBloody hell, can’t one even have a conversation? It’s like living in Australia. No community spirit, every man for himself. Anyway, I’ve got to go – (Grabs his cap.) time is precious –
He gives Lebedev his hand.
Pass!
Laughter. Kosykh goes out and in the doorway bumps into Avdotya.
Avdotya(shrieks) Hey you! You nearly knocked me off my feet!
AllAh – here she is again – you can’t get away from her! She’s everywhere!
Avdotya(shaking hands) So this is where you’ve got to. I’ve been all round the house. Hello all, you young hawks – bon appétit.
LebedevWhat brings you?
AvdotyaBusiness, my friend! (To the Count.) Concerning you, Your Excellency. (Bows.) I was told to give you her regards and enquire after your health . . . and I have orders from my little darling to tell you if you don’t come to see her this evening, she’ll cry her little eyes out. She says to me, ‘Get him alone, my dear, whisper it in secret.’ But we’re not stealing the chickens, it’s all above board and true love on both sides – so what’s the big secret? I never touch a drop, sinner though I am, but on an occasion like this, I think I’ll have one.
LebedevSo will I. (Pours out.) You haven’t changed, you old hen – I remember you as an old lady thirty years ago.
AvdotyaI’ve lost count of my years . . . I buried two husbands and would have married again if I’d found someone to take me without a dowry. I’ve had eight children, too . . . (Takes the glass.) Anyway, we got off to a good start with this business, and God willing we’ll end it well. They’ll be happy enough, and we’ll look on and be happy for them. Here’s to love and good friends to help it run smooth. (Drinks.) I say, this vodka’s strong stuff.
Shabelsky(laughing loudly, to Lebedev) And, you know, the remarkable thing is, they seriously think I’m going to . . . Amazing! (Stands up.) All the same, Pasha, should we go ahead with the dirty deed, eh? – just for the hell of it? How about it, then, you old dog, what do you say, Pasha?
LebedevYou’re not making any sense. Our only business – yours and mine – is to prepare our minds for falling off the bucket – for kicking up the daisies – you see what I’m saying, it’s all too late for us and Marfa’s millions.
ShabelskyYes – I’m going to do it. My word of honour, I’ll do it.
Enter Ivanov and Lvov.
LvovI just need you for five minutes.
LebedevNicolas! (Goes to meet Ivanov and kisses him.) Hello, my dear chap . . . I’ve been waiting an hour for you.
Avdotya(bows) Good day, Your Honour.
Ivanov(annoyed) You’ve turned my office into a bar room again, I’ve asked you a thousand times not to do this.
He goes over to the desk.
Look at this – you’ve spilled vodka all over my papers – crumbs, cucumbers . . . it’s disgusting, it really is!
Pyotr enters with a plate of pasties.*