LebedevCool down, little Sasha – that’s enough.
SashaBut why do they talk such nonsense? It’s so tedious! Is that all they can talk about? Ivanov, Ivanov, Ivanov – (She starts to leave but returns.) I’m surprised at you – (To the young people.) I can’t believe how pathetic you are. Aren’t you bored just sitting around? The air is thick with it! . . . Talk about something! Be some company for us! Laugh or sing us a song, or dance, just do something!
Lebedev(laughs) That’s right, you tell them!
SashaNo, listen, please – listen to me – if it’s too boring to dance or laugh or sing, I implore you for once in your life, just for the novelty, brace yourselves and just come straight out with something brilliant or witty – even something embarrassing or stupid, anything so long as it’s original and gets a laugh. Or if you could just perform some little action, it doesn’t have to be earth-shattering, just anything which passes for an achievement, so these ladies here just for once can say ‘Goodness me!’ You want them to like you, so why don’t you make an effort? You men! – you’re hopeless, you really are!
Shabelsky enters with Ivanov.
ShabelskyWho’s making a speech? You, Shurochka? (Laughs loudly and shakes her hand.) Happy birthday, my angel, may you live long and only the once.
Zinaida(joyfully) Nikolay Alekseevich! Your Excellency!
LebedevWho’s this I see? Count!
Shabelsky, catching sight of Zinaida and Babakina, stretches out his arms to them.
ShabelskyWhat a lovely sight – two moneybags on one sofa!
They greet each other.
(To Zinaida.) Zyuzyushka! (To Babakina.) Good evening, my little pompom!
ZinaidaI’m so happy to see you, Count, it’s been too long. Gavrila, more tea! Sit down, sit down.
She gets up, goes to the door and immediately returns, looking anxious.
Sasha sits down in her previous place. Meanwhile Ivanov greets everyone in silence.
Lebedev(to Shabelsky) Where did you blow in from? What brought you? I can’t believe you’re here. (Kisses him.) Count, you’re a scoundrel. Normal people don’t behave like this. (Leads him aside.) Why don’t you come to see us? Are you angry with us or what?
ShabelskyHow am I supposed to get over here? On a broomstick? I haven’t got my own horses, Nikolay won’t bring me with him, makes me keep Anna company so she doesn’t get lonely. Send your horses over for me and I’ll be there.
LebedevThere’s the problem. It’s Zinaida, she’d sooner die. You mean everything to me, old chap, more than anyone. We’re the only ones left of the old crowd. ‘In my love for you are all my former griefs, my vanished youth.’ I’m serious, I could weep.
He embraces Shabelsky.
ShabelskyLet go, that’ll do – you smell like a distillery.
LebedevDear chap, you can’t imagine how bored I am without my old friends. I could hang myself. (Quietly.) All the decent folk have been driven away by Zyuzyushka and her money-lending – you can see there’s nobody left but these backwoods Boodkins and Doodkins . . . Well, anyway, have some tea.
Gavrila brings the Count some tea.
Zinaida(to Gavrila) Wake up, what a way to serve tea – fetch some jam, gooseberry or something –
Shabelsky(laughs loudly; to Ivanov) What did I tell you? (To Lebedev.) I bet him on the road, that as soon as we arrived Zyuzyushka would break out the gooseberry jam.
ZinaidaHave your little joke, Count.
LebedevThey don’t know what to do with it all, there’s about twenty barrels of the stuff.
Shabelsky(sitting near the table) Still coining it, Zyuzyushka? Made your first million?
Zinaida(with a sigh) It may look like that to you, but where do people think the money’s coming from? It’s just gossip . . .
ShabelskyOh yes, I’m sure! We know you’ve no talent for that little game! (To Lebedev.) Pavel, be honest, have you got a million?
LebedevMy God, how would I know? Ask Zyuzyushka.
Shabelsky(to Babakina) And our tubby little pompom here is on the way to her first million. So help me, she gets prettier and plumper by the day. That’s what comes with rolling in it.
BabakinaI’ll thank you not to make fun of me, Your Excellency.
ShabelskyYou call that making fun of you, my little moneybags? I speak from the heart. My love for you and Zyuzyushka is boundless. (Gaily.) Oh, the joy of it, the rapture! I can’t look at you without getting giddy!
ZinaidaAnd you haven’t changed a bit. Yegorushka, put the candles out, there’s no reason to have them lit if you’re not playing.
Yegorushka gives a start. He puts out the candles and sits down.
(To Ivanov.) How is your wife, Nikolay Alekseevich?
IvanovNot well. The doctor told me today it’s definitely tuberculosis.
ZinaidaDid he? – What an awful shame. (Sighs.) We’re all so fond of her, you know . . .
ShabelskyNonsense, nonsense! She hasn’t got TB – that doctor’s a quack. It’s just a ploy, so our Aesculapius can hang about the house. It’s a good job Ivanov’s not the jealous type.
Ivanov makes an impatient gesture.
I wouldn’t take her word on anything either. My rule in life is, never trust doctors, lawyers or women. It’s all nonsense – trickery and quackery.
LebedevYou’re a strange specimen, Matvey! You put on this act of hating the world, and parade about like some half-wit with a new toy. You’re no different from anyone else till you open your mouth, and then it’s like you’re spitting out a nasty taste.
ShabelskyWhat do you want me to do? – go about making love to these crooks and impostors?
LebedevWhat crooks and impostors? Where are they?
ShabelskyI’m don’t mean present company, of course, but –
LebedevBut nothing. It’s all put on.
ShabelskyYou say that because you’re lucky to have no sense of the sublime.
LebedevHow can I have a sense of the sublime? All I do is sit here waiting to kick the bucket. There’s my sense of the sublime for you. For you and me, brother, it’s a bit late for a sense of the sublime. (Shouts.) Gavrila!