“You said you never wanted to see me again,” Anden mumbled.
“Who doesn’t ever say the wrong things when they’re angry?” Hilo snapped. “You humiliated yourself that day, humiliated the clan, and insulted me in doing it.”
Anger and resentment rose and dispelled Anden’s guilt. “Would you have welcomed me back even if I refused to wear jade? Or am I only worth anything to you as a Green Bone?”
“You were meant to be a Green Bone,” Hilo said. “You’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise. Shae took off her jade and went away; she tried to pretend to be someone else and look what happened. If she hadn’t done that, maybe everything would be different. Maybe it would still be Lan sitting in this room instead of me. Refusing to wear jade, you’re like a goose that won’t go near water.” Hilo blew out a harsh sigh. “Don’t try to tell me that you don’t think about it.”
He did; of course he did. The memory of jade, of the power it had given him, the ecstatic terror of that last battle when he’d killed one of the most powerful Green Bones in Janloon—sometimes it stirred in him a longing that was almost sexual in its intensity, in its sheer animal hunger. Anden’s eyes dropped involuntarily to the top of Hilo’s shirt, the first two buttons left undone as usual. Looking at the long line of jade stones studding his cousin’s collarbone, Anden felt conflicting fear and yearning pull his insides taut. He still wanted to be a Kaul.
Yet stronger than the craving loomed the specter of madness and a life lived in constant terror of himself. Whenever he contemplated the idea of putting on jade again, black memories forced themselves into his mind: his mother’s screams of insanity before her death from the Itches; Lan on the last day Anden had seen him alive—worn down, volatile, and weakened from carrying too much jade and drugging himself with shine; and Anden himself, after the battle with Gont, waking up in the hospital parched and feverish, half-mad with a thirst for jade and killing.
He shook his head. “I won’t do it, Hilo-jen. Jade will turn me into a monster. I’m still grateful to the family and loyal to the clan; I’ll do anything you ask of me—except wear green.”
Hilo did not reply at first. Anden did not dare to say anything more, and the silence stretched between them. When the Pillar spoke again, his voice was resigned, devoid of the anger that Anden realized had been a sign of how much he’d wished for a different outcome between them, how dearly he’d hoped it would not come down to what he was about to say. “I’m sending you to Espenia. Shae’s made all of the arrangements. You’ll leave next week.”
Anden stared, not believing it at first. “Espenia?”
“You’re no use to me here if you won’t be a Green Bone. You can’t stay in Marenia; I won’t have you guarded day and night so you can carve rocking chairs and pick seashells on the beach while the Mountain decides when to make a move. If you won’t wear jade, you’ll need to do something else with your life. You’ll go to Espenia and get an education there.”
“I’ve never been to Espenia,” Anden protested.
“You’re half-Espenian. You should learn about that country, learn the language,” Hilo said. Anden was so astonished he couldn’t speak at first. Hilo had never pointed out his foreign side, never suggested that Andy was not truly Kekonese and a full member of the Kaul family.
This sudden change, perhaps more than anything else, was so hurtful that Anden lost the rest of his composure. “You want to be rid of me,” he choked out. “You’re exiling me.”
“Godsdamnit, Andy,” Hilo snarled, “for the last time: Will you kneel and take your oaths again to me as Pillar, then put on your jade and be a Green Bone, a part of this family?”
Anden clutched the arms of the chair, his jaw so tight he could feel the pressure in his eye sockets. If he opened his mouth, he wasn’t sure what would come out of it, so he didn’t let himself speak. Hilo stood up. He walked over to the side of Anden’s chair and stood over him, his spine tense and his shoulders angled slightly forward, as if he wanted to reach down and grab his cousin, to embrace him or hurt him. Anden felt tears pricking the backs of his eyes. “Please, Hilo-jen,” he whispered. “Don’t send me there. I hate those people and that country.”
“You might like it when you get there,” Hilo said. “You won’t be all alone; the clan has connections, and they’ll take care of you while you’re away from home. After a couple of years, you’ll have options, and we’ll talk about them then.”
He supposed he could refuse. He could disobey Hilo a second time, insist on staying in Marenia. Even if a dull, routine life was all he could hope for there, at least he would be on Kekon and not in some foreign country. But he was certain that Shae could not help him further if he did that. He would truly be out of the family. Kekon was ruled by the clans; as a pariah, his future prospects were slim. With Hilo standing so close to him, he could sense the edges of his cousin’s jade aura, could Perceive the reluctant determination behind his words. Hilo had made his decision. He was the Pillar and, with the death of Kaul Sen, the indisputable final word in the Kaul family.
Anden got up and touched his clasped hands to his forehead in salute. “Whatever you say, Kaul-jen.” His voice was dull. He didn’t dare to look at Hilo again as he turned and left the study.
In a daze, he walked down the hall and saw Shae sitting on the steps of the main staircase in the foyer. She looked strange sitting there by herself in the near dark, still in her business clothes, hands around her knees. She stood up when she saw him. Out in the lamplit courtyard, workers were bringing the leftover food into the kitchen and taking down the tables. They could hear cars departing from the driveway. “Anden,” she started.
“You said you would talk to him,” Anden blurted in accusation. “You said you’d find a way for me to come back home. But it was your idea to send me to Espenia, wasn’t it?”
Shae blew out a breath. “It’s what we decided was best. You’ll be safer there, you’ll gain some experience and skills. Espenia is our largest military ally and trading partner; it’ll be an advantage in the long run for you to have spent time living and studying there. Afterward, when it makes sense for you to come back—”
“Did you think about what I want?” He was certain now that Hilo wouldn’t have done this to him without the Weather Man’s urging. “Maybe going away was something you wanted to do, but I don’t want to leave Kekon. I don’t care about Espenia or an Espenian education. I was never much good at studying anyway, only—” Only jade. He’d been a prodigy when it came to the jade disciplines.
Shae reached out and laid a hand on his arm. “You’re still young. You don’t know what else there is yet.”
Anden jerked away. “I wish I’d died that day in the fight with Gont.”
Shae dropped her hand. “Don’t say that.” Her reply was sharp, but Anden didn’t care that he’d upset her. He spun and left the house. He heard his cousin take two steps after him before she stopped and let him go.
CHAPTER 4
Dead Ends
"Well, that is very bad fucking news,” said Maik Kehn.
The manager of the Heaven Awaiting Cemetery lost the color in his face. His throat bobbed in a fearful swallow. “Maik-jen, we will, of course, arrange for reburial in a steel casket. The remains appear undisturbed; only the—”