PS: FYI, I think you are absolutely beautiful . . . you can claw the oaks in my yard anytime.
(And yes, pistachio gelato is food of the gods.)
Beast: Beast is beautiful. (Flicks ear tabs.) Cats like catnip, fish, birds, lizards, clouds, moving water. (Thinks.) Deer and rabbits. And bison. Want to hunt bison. Would be addicted to bison. Do not know about gelato. Does it bleed?
Dear Beast:
I’ve had a really hard time losing weight. A few years ago I had an accident that resulted in a knee injury and it’s just gotten worse since then, so I have a hard time working out. I eat right (mostly), but I just seem to either stay the same or gain more weight. I’m not enormous or anything, but I’d love to get back down to a healthy weight so I can get healthier. Do you have any advice for me?
Sincerely, Joshua A. AKA Person-Who-is-Not-Food
Joshua. You cannot hunt deer. Cannot chase rabbits. (Thinks.) If you were puma you would starve. But if you eat food that rabbits eat, you will be thin. Writer calls it let-us.
Beast, what would you do to encourage an injured mate? My mate had a foot amputated a few months ago. It’s so easy to be an enabler and let him get too dependent. So what would Beast do? :)
I’m known as Butterfly at all my favorite forums and boards.
Butterfly, Humans are not like puma. Humans have hope. And pro-sss-thetics. They can give life. Can allow humans to hunt and mate and walk. (Thinks.) Tell mate he is not ruined like bad meat. Mate is still good and alive and can be strong again if he has hope. Tell mate to eat much let-us and veg-e-tables. And have faith.
Writer is laughing. I do not understand.
I have a question for Beast.
I work in an office with four people. Two of us work our tails off, while the other two are very lazy. I have no authority over them, so any advice on how to deal with them??
Thank you,
Liesa
Leisa: You must kill and eat lazy humans. Or chase them out of den. (Growls.) Writer is trying to push Beast away. Says not to kill lazy humans. Writer is stupid.
Beast, I need to learn how to hunt for a new mate. Can you help me?
Rae
Rae. You must sharpen claws on dead trees. This removes dead skin on claws. You must bathe in river and eat much bloody meat. When you are strong, you must go far away, to edges of hunting grounds, to find mate. Mate with him. But do not let him follow back to den. If he follows you back, you will have to feed him. This is not good. Mates should kill their own food and stay on their own hunting territory.
Writer is laughing. I am confused.
Beast, you are beautiful, fast, smart, and good hunter. I am worried about the three dogs next door and their owners. Neighbor has good kin to watch over her, but he is leaving soon to go back home. Now bad man may come back and hurt pup. Bad man kicked pup hard. I been asked to keep my eyes open if bad man comes while friend is at work. What would you do to bad man? I want to kick bad man and see how he likes it.
Jenny
Jenny. Yes, Beast is beautiful. And smarter than other big-cats. And fast. And best hunter. (Licks jaw and grooms paws with rough tongue. Thinking.) Beast would hunt man and eat him. And then eat dogs if writer was not looking. You should take vid-e-o of man hurting dog and put on In-ter-net. Then other humans would kill and eat man.
Beast, my mate is causing trouble and being ornery. What should I do?
Beast does not understand trouble and ornery. This is hard question. Beast chases away male kits when weaned, and keeps female kits as hunting mates for longer. I do not understand males except for mating. And I chase them off too when done with them. Beast once killed mate who killed kits. Did your mate kill kits? I will help you hunt and kill him!
Also, Beast does not live with mate for long, like pride of African lions or like humans. Beast is with mate only when kits are wanted. When Beast’s mate snarls, Beast bats him with claws or leaves.
But I have watched Writer with mate. When he snarls, she scratches him behind ears and rubs his head and feeds him eggs on bread and mayo. He likes this. Beast likes this too. Try that.
Beast has own place. Does not stay with mate for many years, only for kits. But Beast has seen Writer with mate and Writer says tell mate, “Special mating on Friday night. Big whoop-de-do then. Not tonight.” Writer’s mate seems pleased with “whoop-de-do” plans and Writer gets to sleep. I do not understand. Writer is laughing again. (Snarls at writer.)
Beast, I would like to be like you, sole hunter. But I have to deal with humans.
Jane Yellowrock is like Beast, alone and unmated. But Jane is not happy very often. (Rolls over and thinks.) Beast thinks humans are pack animals like African big-cats. Beast thinks humans need other humans. Do not understand this.
Beast, many people say it is okay to euthanize sick humans the way lions cull the sick from the herd. What do you think?
Do not understand u-thise. U-thee nz? Sounds like sneeze. (Looks at writer. Writer is laughing but is sad too. Do not understand.) Writer says u-thin-ze means to kill. In animal world when big-cats cannot hunt anymore, other big-cats are not kind. But Beast is more than big-cat. Beast has learned from Jane. Beast would be kind to hurt big-cat and bring her raw deer or rabbits. Beast will talk to spirit of earth and sky and ask for hunters who will be kind to hurt humans.
Writer says humans do not cull other humans from herd because humans do not eat humans. Beast understands this. Have tasted human and it was stringy. Tasted bad, not good meat. Writer says tale of Beast tasting human is in short story in Have Stakes Will Travel.
Beast, what’s the best way to train a stupid human kit who will not listen?
Beast tosses kits into water to teach them to swim. Beast takes kits on long hunts, so kits pant and tongues hang out. Some kits need to be rolled over and held down, with claws at throat and fierce growls and show of killing teeth. Held down until they submit. Beast also swats kits (with claws hidden) but Writer says cops do not like it when humans swat kits. Beast does not understand this. Swatting works for cat kits. What are cops?
Beast, my dogs are fat. Any advice?
Writer had fat dogs (stupid yappy rescue Pomeranian dogs). Writer started walking dogs every day. Is now up to 1.5 miles every evening and .5 miles in mornings. For food: Writer added warm water, and soft food with hard food. Tommy and Tuffy liked food. Writer fed dogs two times a day this way with very little food. Water filled dogs up each time. Dogs lost much weight. But dogs had to pee a lot. (Twitches ear tabs.) Writer is laughing. Writer says dogs lost 30% of body weight. I do not understand %.
Beast, I hate my job. Should I quit and look for something else?
Job is like hunting for food, yes? Beast only hunts when hungry, but when hungry is always looking for food. Will take first food to fill belly but will keep looking for more. Being hungry is not good. Must eat, to find more food, to eat. (Scratches ears with back claws.) Beast might have flea. Hates biting fleas-too-small-to-catch. Do you like being hungry? Do you like fleas? If you do, then Beast will eat your food and give you her fleas.