When should humans retire?
Big-cats do not “retire”. We must hunt to eat until we die. Humans do not die when they cannot hunt. Humans . . . are different. Humans have “jobs”. This is a strange thing to Beast. Writer wants to “retire” from job in hospital, but keep writing. Also a strange thing to Beast. (Rolls over and stares up at sky.) Beast says to stop hunting and “retire” when you can eat without hunting. But feels this does not help much.
Is it polite to “scoot” in public?
“Scooting” is private pleasure when mate is not around. (Shakes head.) Humans are strange to not know this.
What does Beast do when not hunting?
Beast likes to lie on sun-heated rock over shallow river and watch fish. Come today and nap with Beast!
Writer has two stupid yappy dogs. Writer thinks she understands them when they “talk” to her. Does that make Writer stupid and yappy? (Chuffs with laughter.) Writer is staring at me. (Turns head and looks bored.)
Writer is stupid. Writer says new year has started today. But new year was more-than-five days ago when longest night was here. I do not understand. (Yawns.) Will hunt for deer later today. Have seen tracks and scat of large, healthy doe. Good way to celebrate Writer’s stupid new year. (Scratches ears with back paw.) Writer explained re-ser-va-shun. It is like when Beast claims tree limb over deer path to water and scratches with claws to show claiming. This says, “It is mine!” If you re-ser-va-shun, please do not eat Writer if she sits on your limb.
Why are you laughing? Beast does not understand.
Beast has page on “Facebook.” Writer will be there to talk with scritches on page and tapping of claws on “keyes.” I will be there too. You can ask me questions and Writer will answer for me. Sometimes writer is good.
Writer has new porch. Beast tried to sit on Writer’s pooch. Writer made squealy noises and said no. (Chuffs hard with laughter.)
Writer says she is an addict. I did not understand, but Writer explained. Beast is addicted to hunting like Writer is addicted to her computer. (Shakes head and grooms paws.) Computer has no blood. I still do not understand.
Writer has been ignoring me. Writing. I brought deer haunch and left on her front porch. If writer keeps ignoring me, I will bring dead skunk. (Opens lips. Shows killing teeth.)
On clothes and pelt: Fur is soft. Beast is not. (Scratches chin with back paw-claws, thinking.) Beast is good hunter. Protects soft belly with claws and killing teeth. Why do humans not grow pelt? Writer says humans buy clothes instead of growing pelt, but then humans are hunting food and clothes. Seems much work to hunt so many different things.
On summer: Is too hot to hunt. Writer is going to hunt barbecue and swim in stinky pool water with no fish and no plants and no rocks. Stupid writer. (Perks up ears.) But maybe she will bring me raw pig?
On hot summer: Beast does not know why humans hunt in heat. Should stay home, like Beast, body lying in edges of river. (Closes eyes as cold water rushes by.)
On mud: Mud is good for rolling in to keep small biting things from making pelt itch. I like rolling in mud. This makes Writer laugh. Why is writer laughing?
On humans: Writer has yardboy working. I think yardboy needs more exercise than mowing and digging. Beast should chase him around the yard. (Chuffs with laughter.)
On computers: Beast is here. Beast would have been here sooner, but Writer’s mate was fixing computer. Writer is laughing at word “fixing”. I do not understand why that makes her laugh.
Beast: Want to hunt.
Writer: Not today. Tommy has an upset tummy today and his back hurts from running around like he’s nuts when we got home Sunday night, and then sliding across the new wood floor where carpet used to be.
Beast: (Perks ears.) Eat Tommy-dog?
Writer: NO! Leave my dog alone. Go outside, Beast. NOW!
Beast: (Growling.) Will hunt writer.
Writer: (Points to delete key.) Try it, big girl. Go ahead. Make my day. . . .
Beast: Writer is mean. (Lies down and puts head on paws.)
Beast on Writer’s painting of Beast: Beast has seen drawing of Beast in a tree. Beast is beautiful. (Shakes head to chase off flies in brain.) But drawing of Beast does not move or hunt or eat. Smells dead. Beast is confused. But drawing is good. Shows hunter of prey!
Beast on conferences: Writer went to ComicCon to be with fellow Geeks and Writers. Most Writers are slow and would be good to hunt. Are Geeks good to hunt? (Twitches ears. Curious.)
Have been snarling at writer to go to Dragon Con and hunt dragons. But Writer says no. Says car is not big enough for Beast and Writer’s clothes. Writer’s clothes?
(Snarls.) Writer is taking Jane to Dragon Con. Jane is going. Beast is not. Jane is going to hunt dragons! Beast is best hunter! Not Jane. Writer is stupid kit. Who will protect Writer at Con? Who will write Beast stories? Beast is not happy! (Screams with rage. Snarls at Writer.)
Beast will not be at Con. (Narrows eyes. Looks away.) Beast is not purring. Writer says she will talk about me, so I will not eat her. This time. Writer says to res-er-va-tion.
Beast on food: Writer ate I-tal-yan. Twice. Writer brought me nothing. (Rolls away and stares at wall.)
Writer went to river with good-smelling water and many fish and many goose-birds and Writer rode on boat. Writer did not bring me goose-bird. Beast is not happy. (Thinks.) But writer on boat is too slow to catch geese. Writer should have taken Beast to river!
Writer’s yardboy is working in front ground, digging hole for plant. Yardboy is strong and meaty. Might taste better than other humans Beast has bitten. Writer will not let me hunt him. Writer did not take me to river to hunt geese. Beast is snarling. Not Happy!
Beast on human food: Beast has had much cooked human food. Good food came from cold box full of food in Evangelina Everhart’s house. It was good. Liked noodles in cheese sauce. Liked sausage. Liked fish cooked with butter. (Purrrrr.)
Beast on humans as food: Writer went away and left me with Housesitter. Writer threatened to hang my pelt on wall if I ate Housesitter. Housesitter was muscular and strong and young. Would be good hunt! Meat would not be stringy and tough like other humans Beast has bitten. But Writer loves Housesitter. Is son of her mother’s next litter. (Thinks.) Writer said same thing about Beast-pelt if Beast ate her boots. (Thinks carefully.) I did not eat Writer’s housesitter or boots. Housesitter gave Beast raw steak. Was good.
Beast on fans: Writer says that Beast has more-than-five fans! (Scratches ears with back claws, thinking.) What is fan? Can I eat them?
Beast on dogs: Writer’s littermate brought dog to house last night. FAST dog! HUNTING dog! Good nose. Wanted to hunt with ugly dog! Then maybe eat him. Writer said no.