45
Every football fan in Silvertown Dock had found a paper square taped to his seat; one side of the square was the club’s Ukrainian orange and the other side was black. When the referee blew his whistle to begin a minute’s silence for Zarco everyone lifted up his square of paper, flipped it over and the whole stadium turned from orange to black. You could have heard a ticket drop and I was grateful we were playing a class club like West Ham who can always be relied on to respect football traditions. It was very moving to see.
The match was finally ready to start. Wrapped in my cashmere coat, I settled down on my Recaro heated seat in the dugout, with Simon Page beside me, and glanced around Silvertown Dock in wonder. As usual Colin Evans looked to have done a fantastic job. In spite of near freezing conditions the pitch looked like a bowling green on a summer’s day, although as things turned out it was a little harder than usual. A message on my iPad informed me that it was a capacity crowd and it certainly looked and sounded that way. The atmosphere in the stadium was quite extraordinary, a strange mixture of grief and excitement. There were tributes to and pictures of Zarco everywhere you looked, and when the minute’s silence was completed the home fans began to sing (to the Beatles tune ‘Hello Goodbye’), ‘João, João Zarco, I don’t know why you say goodbye we say hello’. They also sang Pat Boone’s ‘Speedy Gonzales’ (‘Speedy Gonzales, why don’t you come home?’)
An attempt by the Hammers fans to make themselves heard with a spirited rendition of ‘Bubbles’ proved to be in vain.
My satisfaction at the way things had begun lasted precisely thirty-eight seconds. Ayrton Taylor was dispossessed by Carlton Cole straight from the kick-off, and a quick through ball from him was neatly transferred from Ravel Morrison to Jack Collison, who sent Bruno Haider running swiftly down the right. West Ham’s young Austrian striker glanced up as if to cross but he had only one thing on his mind. Right on the edge of the penalty area he stepped inside Ken Okri, and onto his stronger left foot. The shot Haider then curled into the far top corner had so much topspin it might have been struck by Andy Murray and, let down by some horrible defending, poor Kenny Traynor had no chance of getting a hand to the ball. One-nil to them.
The West Ham fans behind our goal were predictably delirious with joy; otherwise you might have been forgiven for thinking that a second minute’s silence was under way, such was the reaction of the orange-wearing supporters. I lifted the iPad in front of my face — so that the television cameras watching my every move and scrutinising the succession could not read my lips — and swore loudly several times. But it was a spectacular goal for the young Austrian and given his age and experience he could have been forgiven for taking off his claret and blue shirt and running towards the television cameras to celebrate. Frankly if I’d had a six-pack like that I’d have taken my shirt off too, but the referee felt obliged to give him a yellow card for which he was justly booed, by everyone — even our supporters, who could appreciate the excellence of Haider’s strike. Personally, I don’t blame the referees but IFAB’s stupid law 12 regarding fouls and misconduct, which just ensures that no one gets any advertising without paying for it.
‘Well, that’s a good start,’ I told Simon. ‘To be fair it was a pretty speculative shot. The Austrian kid was as surprised as we were when it went in.’
Simon’s Yorkshire sensibilities were much less forgiving than my own.
‘I think that minute’s silence sent our back four to sleep. The dozy cunts. I’m surprised their number ten didn’t read them a bedtime story while he was scoring their fucking goal.’
The match restarted and for a while our players kept on troubling the goalkeeper; the only problem was that it wasn’t their goalkeeper we were troubling but our own: a clumsy back heel by Gary Ferguson had Kenny Traynor sprinting across the penalty area to clear the ball with both shins before Kevin Nolan could pounce on it; and Xavier Pepe headed a parabolic West Ham corner that hit his own post and then almost rebounded off Ayrton Taylor’s head into the back of the net. When George McCartney lost West Ham’s ball, Nolan, as tenacious as a fox-terrier, won it back; and he kept on dropping deep, robbing Schuermans and Iñárritu, and sending long balls to Downing on the left. Nolan then combined with Mark Noble and lofted the ball straight up to Cole and Haider, both of whom had good attempts saved by Kenny Traynor. The rest of the time we were chasing our own tails and we could easily have been three goals down within twenty minutes.
Cole looked like a man much younger than his years; it was hard to believe that the player troubling our back four so relentlessly had started his career at Chelsea in 2001. With every minute that passed he seemed to grow in fitness and confidence, running at our defence with increasing purpose. But West Ham’s second goal was an absolute howler. Raphael Spiegel, the Hammers goalkeeper, rolled the ball out to Leo Chambers, who punted it up the pitch in the hope that Cole would run on to it; the ball fell just short of the penalty box in front of Kenny Traynor, who was so far off his line he might have been hiking back to Edinburgh. The ball bounced and probably Traynor expected it to rise to his chest; unfortunately for him and for us the ball kept on rising off the hard ground and when Kenny finally realised it was going to sail over his head like a balloon and started to scuttle back in pursuit it was too late. By the time Kenny caught the ball it was across the line; he already looked like a fool and his hurried retrieval of the ball and quick return to the right side of his goal line only made him look even more ridiculous. Leo Chambers had scored West Ham’s second from at least seventy yards.
‘Does that stupid Scots cunt think nobody noticed it was a fucking goal, or what?’ said Simon.
I groaned and buried my head in the collar of my coat in the hope that I might not hear the laughter of the West Ham fans or the curses of our own.
‘Kenny did everything but try to hide the ball up his fucking jersey,’ said Simon. ‘He must think he’s Paul bloody Daniels.’
‘Jesus Christ.’ I was beginning to detect the sour taste of disaster at the back of my mouth.
Cursing his own stupidity, Traynor booted the ball up the pitch in irritation, and it curled away into the stands.
‘He wasn’t so much off his line as out of his fucking mind,’ said Simon.
I jumped off my seat and walked to the edge of my technical area, intending to shout something at Traynor; but by the time I got there I realised the futility of doing so. I knew he was feeling like a cunt and my endorsement of an opinion now shared by sixty thousand people would hardly have helped the young Scotsman’s confidence. But nor did the referee, who proceeded to give him a yellow card for kicking the ball away; probably he was feeling guilty about the yellow card he’d given to Bruno Haider and was looking for an excuse to even the score. Referees are like that sometimes.
‘What the fuck?’ I yelled. ‘How is that a yellow card, you mad fucking idiot? Goalies are supposed to kick the ball away, you stupid cunt.’
The fourth official marched towards me, arms held wide, as if expecting me to run onto the pitch like some twat of a fan and collar the referee. And seeing this ‘incident’, the referee, Peter ‘Paedo’ Donnelly, came running towards us at a lick. A lay-preacher and former army sergeant, and easily the country’s highest profile referee, Donnelly had been the recent winner of an online poll for the Premier League’s worst referee — in the previous season he’d had the highest average number of yellow cards per game, 5.14. I should have minded my mouth, but I didn’t.