Chapter Thirty-One
Liliana
Any promises I made to myself went out the window the minute I saw him. Fifteen minutes ago I was licking my wounds, remembering my heartbreak at his hands in vivid, teary detail. Then he showed up out of nowhere. And try as I might to hold on to that sadness, it flew away the moment his hand brushed my skin.
"Now that's a dress," Jax said, his voice tight and raspy. Without breaking eye contact, he slipped his hand under the skirt and placed it deliberately on my hip.
Then waited.
He was waiting for me to tell him to stop. Tell him to go away. He was waiting for me to scream and carry on like the harpy I seemed to have turned into. He was waiting to see if it was okay.
It was.
It was more than okay. The tightness that gathered in my core the instant he touched me made it much, much better than just okay.
Without meaning to, I inhaled sharply, drawing his scent up in one breath. That inimitable warmth was so intense I could taste it on my tongue.
As if mirroring me, Jax sucked in his own breath, smoothing his palm around my hip to cup my ass. When I didn't pull away, he pulled me to him, his thigh against mine.
I was face to face with his collarbone, watching his chest rise and fall in short, controlled bursts. The pulse at his neck beat strongly, slightly elevated, mirroring my own. I was suddenly very aware of how loudly my heart beat in my ears.
He trailed his hands up from my ass, sliding over my waist as he traversed the length of my torso. I closed my eyes.
"What are you thinking?" he whispered.
"I don't know," I said. Jax brushed his thumb casually over my nipple, which immediately tightened. Hate and disgust bubbled upward inside of me, only to be drowned by a flood of lust. "I'm trying to figure that out."
He slid his hands higher until they cupped my face. He tilted my head up to his. "Does this help?" he whispered.
My body knew. Goddamn my traitorous, Benedict Arnold of a body. It knew exactly how it felt to be kissed by Jaxson, and the craving he ignited had never fucking left. It just lay dormant until now. The moment that his lips met mine, it would ruin any chance I had of making it through the rest of this visit unscathed.
The last vestige of my rational mind tried to assert itself. "Jax, you're going to be my brother," I half-moaned, half-chided. "We can't do this."
"How about this. Can I do this?" He slid his hand downward, snaking his fingers up my thigh, shoving my legs apart roughly.
"You shouldn't," I whimpered.
"That's not a no," he growled.
Jax slipped a finger inside of me. "Yes," I moaned.
"Holy hell, Lily, you're wet already." He pulled his finger free and I moaned and arched against him in protest. He popped his sopping digit into his mouth and sucked quietly for a moment. "Fuck, now I'm really hungry," he said, licking his finger clean. "You've been hiding that sweet pussy of yours from me for days now, and I've worked up quite an appetite."
He reached up and yanked my panties down with a savage jerk. When he sank to his knees and pressed my back against the wall, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I barely recognized the woman I saw. I looked wild, breathless, completely out of control. His biceps popped as he gripped my ass cheeks and lifted my legs over his shoulders.
I looked away, overwhelmed by what I was seeing, and then looked back, greedy for more. "I could do this forever," he murmured, burying his electric blue head between my thighs. "Could fucking live on this pussy alone."
His words were making it hard to believe this was meaningless. "Stop talking," I hissed, grinding myself against his face.
He froze.
The tight bud that had been blooming in my chest faded away as he pulled back and wiped his mouth. He stood up and crossed his arms, shaking his head. "Holy shit. I just figured it out." He shook his head and pressed his finger lightly into my panting chest. "You just want me to get you off. That's all you're after. You just want to rub up against me like I'm your six foot tall vibrator."
"It's just…" I gasped. "It doesn't have to mean anything."
It was like watching a collapse in slow motion. His face crumpled like I had struck him and his broad shoulders sagged. My heart skipped a beat and I immediately started babbling. "We're just having fun, that's all. Rebound sex, whatever you want to call it. That's all, Jaxson. It's not like this is anything real."
"That's just it, Lil. I'm not playing. This is real for me."
I froze.
He nodded. "Yeah. Tell me this means something to you. Because I went way beyond just fucking around the other night. Hell, I went way beyond that a long time ago. If you think this doesn't mean anything…"
Jax bent nearly double for a moment, and then straightened back up again.
"Bye, Lily."
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jax
That was the hardest fucking thing I have ever done in my life.
Each footstep took an eternity as I slowly slogged my way to the door. "Mr. Blue? Your dress!" the girl at the counter called.
I turned in a fog and mutely accepted the garment bag. As I slung it over my shoulder, I could see Bit out of the corner of my eye. She was standing in the door of the dressing room, her lips moving soundlessly. She was rocking forward and back on her bare toes, like she was trying to move to me but was rooted to the spot.
Just say something, I willed her. Anything. Scream at me, if you want to. Just don't let me walk out this door.
"Jax …"
Did she say that, or was it a phantom in my head? I looked at her one last time and put my hand on the handle. Her own little hand fluttered upward… and then back down again.
Okay, then. It's over.
I drove home in silence, not daring to even think. As I walked in the front door, I dropped the dress at my feet, then turned and headed right up the stairs.
Now it was my turn to hide behind a closed door.
My phone buzzed, one, two, three times. But I didn't check it. I had rehearsal tonight, studio time booked for tomorrow. But both of those things meant leaving the sanctity of this space.
Was I a complete pussy for avoiding her? Sure I was. But I was at least a self-aware pussy. I knew that seeing her, even in passing, was the biggest risk to my fragile sanity. I shut the door to my room and stared at the four walls until I thought I might go crazy.
Then I started to write.
The album that I had stalled on, the words that just wouldn't fucking come, was suddenly pouring out of me. Three days after Lily admitted to using me, I emerged from my room with an entire fourteen song LP on a demo reel.
And it was gold. I was surer of this than I had ever been sure of anything in my life. I picked up my phone and swiped past the mass of notifications and placed a phone call instead.
"Well, hello there, prodigal client." Bev didn't sound pissed, per se. Or maybe I was just telling myself that to feel better.
"Hey, beautiful, did you miss me?"
"Not particularly, but once again the studio sure did. That time costs a lot of money, Jax."
I sighed heavily and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror that dominated the wall across from my bed. When I hung it there, it was for the express purpose of watching myself as I fucked… whoever I happened to be fucking. It didn't really matter, so long as I could see myself. But now what I was seeing made me cringe inwardly. "Yeah, Bev, look. I've been in some shit and I should have called. But I have some good news."