I pulled myself together as best I could with a splash of cold water to my face and the hottest shower I could stand. As I soaped my skin that still smelled like him, I saw the little bruises and marks on my skin that he had left on me.
I wanted to head immediately to a tattoo parlor and etch them into my body forever.
Instead, I dressed for my father's wedding in the dress Jax had chosen for me.
Then I squared my shoulders and headed downstairs.
My dad was standing in the kitchen with the rest of the road crew, looking so awkward and nervous in their tuxes that I had to laugh when I spotted them. "You guys look like a nature documentary about penguins," I giggled. "All huddled in a group like that."
"We're keeping our egg warm," Greg Fingers joked, patting my Dad's prodigious belly.
"Hey, who are you calling an egg?"
"You poached my line."
"Let's keep on the sunny-side here, guys …"
I buried my head in my hands and groaned out loud as the avalanche of puns turned into a round of back-slapping. "Your last day of freedom, Nails," Bash declared.
"You kiddin'? I wasn't ever free. Moment I saw that lady, my heart wasn't mine no more."
I had to look away quickly. Jax had said something so similar last night.
When I looked back again, my dad had extricated himself from another round of good natured punching and come over to me. "Hey, there she is," my Dad said with a twinkle in his eye. "My best woman." He kissed my cheek, then look me straight in the eye. "We missed you at the party last night."
I willed the blush to stay down. "I was there, Dad."
"Not for very long."
I wracked my brain for an excuse. "I thought it would be more fun for you if you didn't have to watch your language," I said breezily, patting his arm for good measure.
He nodded, and for a moment, I thought I might be in the clear. "Did you and Jax have fun together, though?"
"Me and… Jax?" I squeaked. I was sure that guilt was written on every inch of my face.
"Saw you take the bottle upstairs. Hope you didn't finish that all by yourself. Though if you did and you're still standing here, then I guess your old man had a good influence on you, after all."
I pressed my lips together and gave what I thought was a light-hearted grin. "You're an excellent influence, Daddy," I lied prettily, kissing his bearded cheek. Guilt and sorrow vied for control of my emotions, but in the end I forced myself to be happy for my dad on his big day. "Now, come on. Let's go get you married off."
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Jax
Even I could see that the wedding planner had done a hell of a job.
From our vantage point around the corner, we could see that the back lawn had been transformed into a flowery white fairy land. The kind of frilly shit chicks just lap up.
When I heard her delighted gasp, it occurred to me that my mother was a chick.
But that line of thinking was just way too disturbing for words. I extended my elbow. "You ready, Ma?"
She turned to look at me. Her eyes were soft, shining with happy tears. No edge. Nothing there but the genuine thrill of walking down the aisle toward the person she loved.
I almost understood.
"Congratulations, Ma," I said. My heart felt too tight in my chest. I quickly bent and pecked a kiss on her cheek.
"Jax," she said, sighing happily. "I wanted to tell you how proud …"
The crackle of the speakers interrupted her. I pulled back with a laugh as I recognized the opening bars. “ ‘Wildheart?’ Really? You're walking down the aisle to you own song?"
"Shut up!" she hissed, all tenderness gone. "We'll miss our cue!" She mouthed along to her own voice for a moment, and I rolled my eyes. "Okay… now!"
"Just get this over with," I told myself, loud enough for her to hear.
We turned the corner and started the slow walk to the pergola at the end of the lawn.
Everyone turned and stood, watching as we walked. I knew this. I was vaguely aware of smiles and waves and cell phone camera flashes in my face. But everything smoothed out into a blurry tunnel with the only thing that mattered standing at the end.
Bit stood next to her father, watching me with those brown eyes, and suddenly, I couldn't get to her fast enough.
"Slow down," my mother hissed, but her words rolled off of me. They didn't matter. Nothing mattered but how Bit looked, standing there in that ice-blue dress. Fuck, that dress was going to be my undoing. That dress was my heaven and my hell all wrapped up in one tiny, perfect package. I wanted to rip it off of her for more reasons than just the obvious tightening in my pants. That dress was the start of something that was about to end.
Right now.
As Nails took my mother's hand, I had half a mind to yank her away. "No, I object," I wanted to shout.
But I could only look at Bit.
Her eyes were sad and beautiful. She looked strong and vulnerable at the same time, and every cell in my body itched to make this right for her.
For us.
But there wasn't a damned thing I could do.
"Hey," she whispered, waggling her fingers at me.
"Hey," I said back, standing next to my mom and hoping like hell I sounded normal.
Like I wasn't breaking in half.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Liliana
Jax doesn't look right.
That was the only thing I could think during the whole arduous exchange of vows. Every word my father said, all the lines I had written and then rewritten until they were precisely perfect, I had written for Jax.
That much was clear now.
He alternated between staring at me so hard I could feel the heat of his gaze scald my skin, and looking away, refusing to make eye contact.
His hair was a normal brown color today, out of deference to Annie's desire for "normal people" wedding photos, but that wasn't the only reason he seemed colorless.
"Are you okay?" I mouthed as our parents exchanged rings.
He shook his head slightly. Then darted his eyes away again.
Finally, mercifully, the ceremony was over. I clapped as Dad dipped Annie, kissing her with much more gusto than decency would call for, but that was par for the course.
Jax took my elbow as we recessed down the aisle. He held me tightly against him, the warmth of his body under his tailored suit pressed against the whole length of me. A strange echo of last night.
The reception was under a beautiful white tent rising like gull wings over the green ocean of lawn. The twinkling fairy lights wound around the poles made me feel like I was stepping into a dreamland. The faces of the people I loved most in the world swam around me—Diggs, Bash, all of the guys, the happy bride and groom, and there in the center of everything was Jax, looking like an inked Prince Charming in his tuxedo. On his arm, I felt like royalty, the prom queen I never got a chance to be. I sighed and leaned against his shoulder. "I really wish I could be happy right now."
"You can," he said.
"Are you?"
"Guess I'm happy for them, yeah." He gestured toward our parents who were stuffing cake into each other’s mouths. My Dad carefully dropped a piece into Annie's open mouth. She returned the favor by smearing frosting all over his beard.