"I am too." I answered. Was this what it meant to be a grown-up? Having to set aside your own most fervent desire for the good of those you loved?
Annie and my Dad shared their first dance to a medley of Annie's greatest hits—which had me laughing into the back of my hand as I watched Jax's face twist between happiness and utter disgust at his mother's narcissism. But when the song was over and the rest of the couples were called to the dance floor, Jax reached out his hand to me. "Come on."
I shook my head. "We can't."
"Sure we can, it's a wedding. People dance at weddings."
"We can't dance together, Jax. It's too dangerous."
"You might be right, but I don't really give a fuck about anything else right now. Please, Bit."
The unspoken plea hung in the air. This would be the last time he could hold me. Once I understood, I fairly sprinted into his arms.
The song started, an old classic rock ballad all wailing guitars and overwrought lyrics. It perfectly suited my mood. I buried my face Jax's jacket, my heart almost too full to speak. "So that's it, then," I choked.
He knew what I meant. "That's it, yeah."
"I'm your sister now."
Somehow he managed to pull me even closer. "I have the most beautiful fucking sister in the world," he said fiercely.
I laughed into his chest and inhaled his scent. "This is so fucked."
"It really is."
"Is everyone staring at us right now?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"Fuck. I'm just going to hide in here forever."
"That's fine with me," he said so quietly I more felt it than heard it. We swayed gently, slowly to the music. It was like he was rocking me to sleep, like he was still holding me last night. I wished I was asleep, that this was all a bad dream and I could wake up and be with him like I should.
When the music ended, his grip didn't loosen and neither did mine. "I'm afraid to let go of you."
"Then don't." He sounded so fucking sad.
"Jax …"
"I know." He pulled back a little. "I love you."
"I love you."
That was the second time Jaxson Blue broke my heart.
Part Three
Chapter Forty
Liliana
Angel had never been in my bedroom before. Even sitting at the far corner of my bed, curling herself as tightly as she could to stay out of the way, there was still barely enough room to maneuver. I had to stand in an awkwardly twisted and bent pose just to get the last of my books packed into their boxes.
" …could have at least scored us some back stage passes, or something." She was pissed, but pretending not to be.
"Angel, you don't understand. I can't ask that of him." I was really regretting telling her even the little she did know, but when I landed in New York, I was too raw and broken-hearted to keep it inside. As far as she knew, Jax was an old friend who I had once had a crush on, and wasn't-it-so-weird he was my stepbrother now?
She kept talking right over me." …completely, like, the pinnacle of my life if I met him. Seriously, what's he like? " I opened my mouth to answer and she just bowled right over me in an avalanche of aggrieved feelings. "I can't believe you knew him. It's like you're moving out just when you got interesting, Liliana. We could have totally hung out more, you know. That was totally always an option."
I pressed my lips together and taped the top of the box I was working on. "Oh yeah, I totally know it was," I answered breezily. "It was just our different schedules, and all that, made it hard you know?"
"Yeah …" She sighed and blew a puff of breath out of the side of her mouth in a pretty killer imitation of a Disney princess. Then she veered straight back for the most important topic. "So, you're seriously not going to his show tonight?"
The packing tape's horrible screeching noise drowned out my own. "No," I said firmly. I didn't trust myself to say anything more. The words were all bunched up there on the tip of my tongue, ready to tumble out in a word-vomit flood of vulnerability.
I stared at the brown cardboard like it was some sort of ancient tome that needed deciphering and counted back from ten. But even that couldn't keep the tide of hurt from rushing in. Fuck, I had had it—it. The kind of love that lasted a lifetime, and I set it aside over worries about how it all looked.
And he loved me enough to let me.
"Why are you laughing?" Angel demanded.
"I didn't realize I was," I said, wiping the hysterical tears aware. "Just something Jax and I did at the wedding. We're idiots when you get us together."
"So get together tonight!" Angel was nothing if not persistent. "We can get you an extra ticket. It's be like our last hurrah as roommates, you taking me to meet the rock god you grew up with." She shivered with excitement. "Those eyes of his, are they really that blue in real life?"
"They really are."
"How about his body, have you ever seen him with his shirt off up close? Oh God, never mind, I can tell by your face that you have. How about his …" Her voice dropped down to a conspiratorial whisper." …cock? Have you seen that?"
"I once walked in on him as he was getting out of the shower …" It was true, anyway.
"Oh my God!" She whipped out her phone and started texting. "Seriously Lily, we are making this happen tonight. I don't care if I have to drag you by your hair …"
"No," I said. I meant to sound firm, but it sounded more like a shout. She looked up at me, stricken, as I tried to compose myself. "No," I repeated, softer this time. "I really want to get finished packing tonight."
"But why are you moving? You never really explained that. Just came back all weird and quiet and said I have to find a new roommate. How could you do that to me, by the way? What if they're a complete weirdo?"
I ignored the second part of her question as I sought to answer the first. "I'm moving because… it's hard to put in words. Have you ever had a change in your life that's so drastic you can't believe it's not immediately visible to everyone who sees you?"
Angel was silent for several seconds. "When my cat died back in high school, I was, like, a wreck for months. Started wearing black and everything."
I nodded encouragingly. "Yeah, so you started wearing black. I'm moving to a place I've never seen before." Or so I believed. I was heading upstate, to a writer's retreat in the Catskills.
That's what I told Angel, anyway.
But what I didn't say was that I wasn't actually sure about that. I might just spend some time on the road for a while. Find someplace quiet to lick my wounds. The road was calling me. My dad, of all people, would understand, but he was still on his extended honeymoon with Annie. So the only person I could talk to about this extraordinary change inside of me was my soon-to-be-ex-roommate. This was the most we had spoken in a year.
Angel was trying hard to understand. I had to give her that. "That's totally nuts," she finally exhaled.
I laughed and taped another box. "It is," I agreed. "But I need to do it. I'll go crazy if I don't."
She leaned back and stretched her legs out on the bed. "Well, I'm going to hate you forever for telling me this today, of all days. Are you dead certain you won't come and get me and my friends backstage?"
I paused and looked down at my hands. "Believe me, I'm the last person Jaxson Blue wants to see tonight."