When he turned, he saw that Ferus had seen his relief. Anakin hid his exasperation. No matter where he turned, Ferus was there, eager to see what Anakin wanted to conceal. Ferus's ability to tune in to his fellow Jedi might have been helpful in battle, but Anakin found it deeply annoying at other times.
"Too late," Anakin said to Obi-Wan. "She must have heard about the thwarted invasion."
"She couldn't have hidden all the evidence," Obi-Wan said. "We'll need to back up what happened here. It will add to her crimes."
Obi-Wan surveyed the hastily departed office. "I know one thing, Padawan. We have just discovered our next mission. We have to find Jenna Zan Arbor."
Chapter Eighteen
The Jedi stood on the landing platform in the capital city of Sarus- Dor. The Typha-Dors had loaned a gleaming Gen-6 starship to Obi-Wan and Anakin, who were heading out on the trail of Zan Arbor. Garen and Clee Rhara had readied their transports to resume their interrupted mission.
Anakin leaned against the wall with Tru. He felt weariness deep in his bones, but he was anxious to get moving, eager to leave this mission behind as a memory.
If only he weren't heading to find Jenna Zan Arbor. Anakin wasn't afraid of the scientist, but he wasn't eager to tangle again with someone who could put him in the Zone of Self-Containment.
"It's got to be draining, no matter what the medic said," Tru said.
"That's probably why."
Anakin smiled faintly. "Why what?" Tru had a habit of speaking his thoughts out loud, usually right in the middle of them.
"Why you look tired. The medic said he found no side effects, so I wouldn't worry about that." Tru peered at him sympathetically.
"I'm not worried," Anakin said. He paused. "Do you ever wonder about detachment, Tru?"
One of the reasons Tru was his friend was that he didn't have to explain things to him. "Of course. It is the hardest Jedi lesson," Tru said. "I wonder about it all the time. How can we follow our feelings and yet be detached? Master Ry-Gaul says that feeling deeply is necessary for all living beings. It is how we use those feelings that is crucial. If we let them determine our actions, we can go astray."
"I guess I still don't know how to free myself," Anakin said.
"Me neither. I guess that's why we're Padawans, and they're Masters,"
Tru said. "The thing is not to worry." "Yes," Anakin said. "That's the thing." He noticed Ferus looking over at them. Ferus quickly looked away.
"What's the matter with Ferus?" Anakin asked. Tru looked uncomfortable.
"Nothing."
"Tell me. He's barely said a word to me. Not that I mind."
Tru shifted his weight. "He said… well. He wondered why you didn't tell your Master that you'd undergone that treatment. It was clear that you hadn't. We all wondered. After all, it is strange."
Anakin looked over at Ferus, who had joined Siri, who was saying good- bye to Obi-Wan. "He always gets in my business."
"He only said out loud what we all thought," Tru said with his usual honesty. "I bet Obi-Wan is thinking it, too."
"I'm not sure why I didn't tell him," Anakin said. "I was going to tell him. Did something ever happen to you that you wanted to think about first, before you told anyone?"
"No," Tru said. "I guess I like to talk."
Anakin laughed. Tru was always truthful. Anakin could see through him like water. That was how clear he was. And the only thing he saw was goodness.
Ferus came up. "It's time to board," he told Tru.
"I hear you're wondering why I didn't tell Obi-Wan about what happened at the prison camp," Anakin said in a challenging tone.
Ferus gazed at him. "Yes, I did wonder," he said. "But then I figured it out."
"Oh, really? Why don't you enlighten us?" Anakin suggested.
"You were afraid to tell Obi-Wan because you enjoyed it," he said.
"You enjoyed feeling nothing. It even overcame your loyalty."
"Nothing overcomes Anakin's loyalty to his Master, Ferus," Tru said sharply. "And it is none of your business, anyway. You weren't there. You don't know what happened. You have no right to judge."
Ferus seemed to struggle against Tru's words for a moment. Then he inclined his head. "You're right, Tru, as always. I apologize, Anakin. I shouldn't have said it."
That's right, Ferus. You stepped over the line. But maybe Anakin owed him one, after their mission on Andara.
"All right," Anakin said. He noted that Ferus hadn't said he was wrong. Just that he shouldn't have said it.
"Good-bye," Ferus said. "May the Force be with you."
Anakin merely nodded a cool farewell.
"Ferus is the perfect Padawan, remember?" Tru said as Ferus boarded the ship, trying to make Anakin feel better. "He feels like he has to correct all of us."
"Thank you for defending me," Anakin said. "I will miss you, friend."
"Take care, Anakin," Tru said. "Take care."
Tru walked away. Anakin felt a tiny sting at Tru's words. He hadn't meant them as an affectionate farewell. He'd meant them as a warning.
Obi-Wan waited as Garen and Siri walked up the ramp. It slid shut.
Obi-Wan backed up a few steps to watch the two ships take off. Then he walked slowly to Anakin's side. They watched until the two ships were just red slivers in the sky, bits of light. Then they shot to maximum speed and disappeared.
"You said torment," Obi-Wan remarked, still looking at the sky.
"Excuse me?" Anakin pretended confusion, but he knew exactly what Obi- Wan was referring to.
"You said, The things that normally torment you don't bother you at all.' Not the things that trouble you, but torment you." Obi-Wan turned to face him. "It was a strong word. What torments you, Anakin?"
He looked at the ground. "Perhaps I spoke more strongly than I meant to!'
"That is not an answer."
"Sometimes I don't want to be the Chosen One," Anakin said. The words broke free. They felt like stones in his mouth.
"That's not surprising," Obi-Wan said. "Many gifts can be burdens."
"The Force is so strong. I can feel it so much. I feel so much. I don't want to feel so much!" Anakin hardly recognized his voice, choked and aching. Obi-Wan looked startled at his vehemence. "Why am I chosen? Why is it me? Can't I refuse it? Can't you let me refuse it? Can't you take it away?"
"Anakin — "
"Take it from me. Please, Master." Anakin wanted to fall to his knees.
A deep tide of feeling, of dread, had risen up within him and choked him.
He felt tears in the back of his throat. Even his friend Tru was afraid for him. Just as Ferus was. Just as his own Master was, the person who knew him the best.
What do they see that I cannot?
The sudden panic shocked him. It had sprung up so abruptly. He hadn't meant to say what he had said. He hadn't even known he had been feeling it.