“Why? Why does my presence every moment of the day make any difference? I like being alone. Why does that upset everyone so much?”
“Because it’s not normal. It’s not healthy for a girl your age to be alone all the time. You need people and life and excitement.”
“Why? Who decided that for me? Who is it that said that if you are about to turn twenty-two, you need excitement? I don’t need excitement. I had excitement, and I don’t ever want it again. Why can’t all of you understand that?”
“I do understand, dear. But what you had was not ’excitement,’ it was disappointment, it was a violation of everything that’s decent and good, everything you ever believed in. It was a terrible experience, and we never want you to go through that again. No one wants that to happen to you. But you must go out in the world again. You absolutely have to, or you’ll wither and die, spiritually, inside, where it matters.”
“How do you know that?” Sarah looked distressed by what her mother was saying to her.
“Because I see it in your eyes,” Victoria said wisely. “I see someone dying in there, someone aching and lonely and sad. Someone calling for help, and you won’t let her out so she can get it.” As Sarah listened, her eyes filled with tears, and her mother walked to where she sat and hugged her gently. “I love you very much, Sarah. Please try … please try to come out of yourself again. Trust us … we won’t let anyone hurt you.”
“But you don’t know what it was like.” Sarah began to whimper like a child, ashamed of the emotions, and her inability to control them. “It was so awful … and so wrong. … He was never there, and when he was, it was.” She couldn’t go on, she just cried as she shook her head, bereft of words to describe the feelings, as her mother stroked her long silky hair and held her.
“I know, darling … I know … I can only imagine what it was like. I know it must have been awful. But it’s over And you’re not Your life is just beginning. Don’t give up before you’ve given it a chance. Look around, feel the breeze, smell the flowers, let yourself live again Please …”
Sarah clung to her as she listened to her mother’s words, and finally told her how she felt, as she continued to cry. “I can’t anymore… I’m too afraid….”
“I’m right here with you.” But they hadn’t been able to help her before—until the end, when they’d gotten her out of it But they couldn’t have made Freddie behave, or come home at night, or give up his girlfriends and his prostitutes, and they hadn’t been able to save the baby. She had learned the hard way that there were times when no one else could help you, not even your parents.
“You have to try again, sweetheart. Just in tiny little steps. Father and I will be right here with you” She pulled away from her then, and looked into her daughter’s eyes. “We love you very, very much, Sarah, and we don’t want you hurt again either.”
Sarah closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “I’ll try.” She opened her eyes again then and looked at her mother. “I really will.” And then she panicked. “But what if I can’t do it?”
“Can’t do what?” Her mother smiled at her. “Can’t take a walk with me and Father? Can’t have dinner with us? Can’t meet a few of our friends? I think you can. We won’t ask for too much, and if it really is more than you can do, then you’ll tell us.” It was as though she had become an invalid, and in some ways, she had. Freddie had crippled her, and she knew it The question now was if she could be healed, or helped; if she would recover. Her mother couldn’t bear the thought that maybe she couldn’t. “How about a walk?”
“I look awful. My eyes must be swollen. And my nose always gets red when I cry.” She laughed through her tears as her mother made a face at her.
“That’s the worst piece of nonsense I’ve ever heard. Your nose is not red.” Sarah hopped out of her chair to look in the mirror and gave a shout of disgust.
“It is too! Look at it, it looks like a red potato!”
“Let me see….” Victoria narrowed her eyes and peered at Sarah’s nose as she shook her head. “It must be a very, very small potato. I don’t think anyone will notice anything, if you throw a little cold water on your face, and comb your hair, and maybe even put on a spot of lipstick.” She hadn’t worn makeup in months, and she didn’t seem to care, and up until now, Victoria hadn’t pressed it.
“I didn’t bring any with me.” Sarah looked deliberately vague. She really didn’t know if she wanted to try, but she was touched by what her mother had said, and she didn’t want to be completely uncooperative, even if that meant wearing lipstick.
“I'll give you some of mine. You’re lucky you look as well as you do without it. I look like a sheet of blank paper without makeup.”
“You do not,” Sarah called after her, as her mother crossed the stateroom to her own rooms, to get her daughter some lipstick. She returned a moment later and held it out to her, as Sarah obediently splashed her face with cold water and combed her hair. In her sweater and slacks, with her hair loose past her shoulders, she looked like a young girl again, and her mother smiled as they left the cabin, arm in arm, to find Sarah’s father.
They found him on the promenade deck, comfortably soaking up the sun in a deck chair, while two attractive young men played shuffleboard near him. He had intentionally taken up the deck chair closest to them, the moment he spotted them, hoping that Victoria would eventually appear with Sarah, and he was delighted when he saw them.
“And what have you two been up to? Shopping?”
“Not yet.” Victoria looked pleased, and Sarah smiled, completely oblivious to the two men her father had spotted. “We thought we’d go for a walk first, and have tea with you, and then ravage the stores and spend all your money.”
“I’ll have to throw myself overboard if you two wipe me out.” The two women laughed, and the two young men nearby glanced at Sarah, one of them with considerable interest. But she turned away and began to stroll down the promenade deck with her father. As they talked, Edward Thompson was impressed by how much his daughter knew of world politics. She had apparently spent her time well of late, reading newspapers and magazine articles, and learning everything she could of the situation in Europe. He was reminded of how intelligent she was, how astute, and really was amazed at how much she knew. This was no ordinary girl, and she hadn’t just been wasting her time while she was hiding. She talked about the Civil War in Spain, Hitler’s annexation of Austria in March, and its implications, as well as his behavior two years before that in the Rhineland.
“How do you know all that?” her father asked, looking vastly impressed. She was wonderful to talk to.
“I read a lot.” She smiled shyly at him. “I don’t have much else to do, you know.” They exchanged a warm smile. “And I find it fascinating. What do you think will happen, Father? Do you think Hitler will declare war? He certainly seems to be gearing up for it, and I think the bond between Rome and Berlin could be very dangerous. Particularly given what Mussolini is doing.”
“Sarah”—he stopped and stared at her—“you amaze me.”
“Thank you.” They walked on for a time, talking in depth of the danger of war in Europe, and he hated to stop walking with her an hour later. There was a side to her he had never seen, a side that had clearly been wasted on Van Deering. They continued to talk animatedly over tea, as Edward expounded on his theory that the United States would never be involved in a war over there, and expressing the view that Ambassador Kennedy had already shared with his intimates, that England was in no position to engage in a war in Europe.
“It’s a shame we’re not going to Germany,” Sarah said, surprising her father. “I’d love to get a feeling for what’s happening there, or maybe even talk to people.” Listening to her made her father very glad they weren’t going there. Having Sarah delve into dangerous world politics was not in his plans for her. Being interested in what was happening in the world, being knowledgeable and informed, even to the degree she was, which was certainly rare, especially for a woman, was one thing, but going there and testing the water implied a danger he would never agree to.