“What makes you think I’ve been in pain?” She tried to fob him off, but he would have none of it, and his touch stayed firm but gentle on her fingers.
“Because I see whatever it is you’re hiding from me. I don’t see it clearly. But it lurks there, like a ghost, always in the shadows, waiting to haunt you. Is it so terrible that you can’t share it with me?” She didn’t know what to answer him, she didn’t dare tell him the truth, and her eyes filled with tears as he asked the question.
“I … I’m sorry…” She freed her hand from his, to dab her eyes with her napkin. And their waiter disappeared discreetly. “It’s just … it’s such an ugly thing. You would never feel the same way about me again. I haven’t met anyone since … it happened …”
“My God, what is it? Did you murder someone? Kill a relative, a friend? Even at that, it must have been an accident. Sarah, you must not do this to yourself.” He took both her hands in his own and held them in his strong grasp so that she would feel protected. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry, but it hurts me to see you suffer.”
“How can it?” She smiled unbelievingly through her tears. “You don’t even know me.” It was true, and yet they both knew he did. They knew each other better after two days than some people after a lifetime.
“I did a terrible thing,” she admitted to him, holding tightly to his hands, and he didn’t flinch, or waver, or withdraw them.
“I don’t believe that. I think you think it was terrible. But I would wager that no one else does.”
“You’re wrong,” she said wistfully, and then sighed and looked back at him, but she withdrew her hands as she did so. “I was married two years ago. I made a huge mistake, and I tried to live by it. I tried everything. I was determined to stay with him, and die trying if I had to.” William seemed unaffected by the news she had expected to rock him so badly.
“And are you still married to him?” he asked quietly, still offering his hands to her, if she wanted to take them, but she didn’t. She knew she couldn’t now. When he heard all of it, he would no longer want her. But she owed it to him to tell him.
“We have been separated for over a year. In November, the divorce will be filial.” She said it like a sentence for murder.
“I’m sorry,” he said seriously. “Sorry for you, Sarah. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been, and how unhappy you must have been for the past year.” He wondered if her husband had left her for someone else, or what had come between them.
“Did you love him very much?” he asked hesitantly, not wanting to pry, but needing to know it. He needed to know if the pain she felt was longing for him, or simply regret, but she shook her head at him in answer.
“To be honest with you, I’m not sure I ever loved him. I knew him all my life, and it seemed the right thing to do then. I liked him, but I didn’t really know him. And the moment we came back from our honeymoon, everything fell apart, and I realized what a mistake I’d made. All he wanted to do was to be out night and day, playing with his friends, chasing other women and drinking.” The tone of sorrow in her voice told him volumes. She didn’t tell him about the baby she’d lost, or the prostitutes he’d brought to their anniversary party at her parents’. But he saw in her eyes that she’d suffered far more than she’d told him. She looked away, and William touched her hands again, and waited until she looked at him. Her eyes were full of memories and questions.
“I’m sorry, Sarah,” William said quietly. “He must be a complete fool.” Sarah smiled and sighed again, feeling relieved, but not redeemed. She knew she would always feel guilty for being divorced, but continuing her life with him would have destroyed her, and she knew it. “Is this the terrible sin you were hiding from me?” She nodded and he smiled at her. “How can you be so foolish? This isn’t the last century. Other people have gotten divorced. Would you rather have stayed with him and suffered that torture?”
“No, but I’ve felt terribly guilty toward my parents. It’s been so embarrassing for them. No one in our family has ever been divorced before. And they’ve been so incredibly nice about it. I know they must be ashamed, to some extent, but they’ve never criticized me for it.” Her voice drifted off as he watched her.
“Did they object at first?” he asked bluntly.
“No, not at all.” She shook her head. “In fact, they encouraged me.” She thought back to the family meeting in Southampton, the morning after her disastrous anniversary party. “Actually, my father did everything. They were wonderful, but it must have been agonizing for them to face their friends in New York.”
“Did they say that?”
“No They were too kind to reproach me.”
“And have you faced their friends again, and your own, and been punished for your crime?” She shook her head, and smiled at the way he put it
“No.” She laughed, suddenly sounding young again, and her heart felt lighter than it had in years. “I’ve been hiding on Long Island.”
“Foolish girl. I’m quite sure that if you’d had the courage to go back to New York, you would have found that everyone applauded your leaving that rotter.”
“I don’t know.” She sighed again. “I haven’t seen anyone … until now … until you …”
“How fortunate for me, Miss Sarah Thompson. What a silly, silly girl you’ve been. I can’t believe you’ve been in mourning for an entire year for a man you don’t even think you loved. Sarah, really”—he looked both incensed and amused—“how could you?”
“Divorce is no small thing to me,” she defended herself. “I kept worrying that people would think that it was like that awful woman who married your cousin.”
“What?” William looked stunned. “End up like Wallis Simpson? With five million dollars worth of jewels, a house in France, and a husband, however stupid he may have been, who adores her? My God, Sarah, what a ghastly fate, I hope not!” It was clear that he was teasing her, but not entirely, and they both laughed.
“I’m serious,” she scolded him, but she was still laughing.
“So am I. Do you really think she ended up so badly?”
“No But look at what people think of her. I don’t want to be like that.” She looked serious again as she said it.
“You couldn’t, you goose. She forced a king to give up a throne. You’re an honest woman who made a terrible mistake, married a fool, and made it right again. What man, or woman for that matter, could hold that against you? Oh, I’m sure someone will one day, some damn fool who’s got nothing better to do than point a finger. Well, to hell with them. I wouldn’t give a damn about your divorce, if I were you. When you go back to New York, you ought to shout it from the rooftops. If I were in your shoes, it’s marrying him I’d be ashamed of.” She smiled at the way he looked at things, but in some ways, she hoped he was right, and she felt better than she had in a year. Maybe he was right, maybe it wasn’t going to be as awful as she had feared.
And then suddenly, she laughed at him. “If you make me feel better about all this, how am I going to go back to my life as a recluse in my farmhouse?” He poured her another glass of champagne as she smiled at him, and he looked at her seriously for a long moment.
“We’ll have to talk about that again sometime. I’m not sure I find that prospect quite as charming as I did when you first told me.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re using it as an escape from life. You might as well go into a convent.” And then he rolled his eyes as he took a sip of champagne again. “What a revolting waste. God, don’t even let me think of it, or I might get really angry.”
“About the convent or the farmhouse?” she teased. He had given her an incredible gift. He was the first person she’d told about the divorce, and he hadn’t been shocked, or horrified, or even startled. For her, it was the first step to freedom.