I understood the fear and the hope that filled those who chose to run. Sun probably left with the fear of stepping into a strange land, but warmed with the excitement of finding her love again. Gun’s love for his parents and for Sun, and Sun’s love for him, were good reasons to undertake the dangerous journey. I had no one. In a way, having no family insulated me from the famine. I had Seunggyu, but he couldn’t see the shadows of my past and therefore never really knew me.
I was breathing every moment, but I wasn’t alive.
Before returning to the border to cross back into China, Gun had to deliver medicine to his uncle here. His father was always worried about his brother’s chronic stomach disease and had packed some supplies in Gun’s bag. The house wasn’t far from Sun’s, and in darkness Gun felt safer as he moved through the streets.
He sneaked into the village where his uncle lived, knowing the layout very well, as he had spent so much time there playing with his cousin, Jaeho, when he was young. The village was also completely dark, and when he knocked on the door of his uncle’s house, everyone seemed to be asleep.
At the door, Gun quietly called out his cousin’s name. “Jaeho, Jaeho, are you there?”
A tense voice came through the door. “Who’s there?” It was his uncle.
Gun breathed again. “It’s me. It’s Gun.”
There was silence inside for a moment, and then the door opened a tiny crack. Gun couldn’t see anything, and his uncle seemed to hesitate for the same reason.
“It’s me, Uncle. It’s Gun. I’ve come back.”
His uncle opened the door and stepped outside. He touched Gun’s cheek. “Where have you been? I’ve had no news about your family. Let’s go inside.” He grabbed Gun’s hand and led him into the house.
His uncle’s wife, Jiyoung, and their son, Jaeho, had awakened and were looking at him in surprise.
“We’ve been outside the country,” Gun said. “Did our sudden disappearance cause you any trouble?” He nodded to his aunt and Jaeho.
“It has been all right. Some investigators stopped by the house several times to inquire about your family, but as you know, we knew nothing. We were so surprised when we heard the news.”
Gun felt sorry for his uncle; he knew his father and uncle had depended on each other after losing their parents at a young age.
Jaeho was blunt: “Why did you come back? You’re endangering our family.” As only children, Gun and Jaeho had been like brothers, and yet now Jaeho avoided Gun’s eyes. Jaeho must have felt abandoned, just as Sun had.
“I just want to give this medicine to Uncle, then I’ll leave.” Gun turned to his uncle. “How’s your stomach? Is it any better?”
Gun reached into his bag and produced the medicine and some money. His uncle looked at the offerings in surprise, but his wife snatched the money without delay.
Scowling at his wife, Gun’s uncle said to Gun, “It’s only an old people’s disease. I don’t need medicine, don’t bring it next time.”
“Father wanted me to bring it; he’s always worrying about you. You can’t imagine how sad he is to be away from you right now.”
His uncle started sobbing and murmured, “He doesn’t know how my heart broke after he left without a word. My life has come to a dead end. I wonder if I will see his face again before I die.”
Gun held his hand. “Don’t be sad, Uncle. I’m sure you’ll meet soon.” Gun was overcome with guilt at having divided his family.
Jaeho grumbled something and lay down, drawing the blanket over his head.
Gun stood up. “I’ll leave now. It will be much safer for your family and for me.”
“No, stay here, just for one day, Gun,” the old man said, tugging at Gun’s shirt. “You can leave tomorrow. I want to hear the news about my brother.”
To Gun, darkness was preferable for a safe escape, and he wanted to search for Sun as soon as possible, but his uncle turned to him with tear-filled eyes. Gun looked at his aunt and his cousin, but they were silent; Jaeho lay motionless under the blanket.
“It will be all right. Nobody visits our house,” Gun’s uncle said. “Bring your shoes inside. You should eat something—aren’t you hungry?”
Gun couldn’t turn down his uncle’s offer; he didn’t know if he would ever see him again. “Okay, I’ll leave tomorrow night,” he said, setting down his bag and pushing it to the corner. Then he told them the story of how he had crossed the river with his father and mother.
Jaeho whined, “I have to get up early tomorrow. I can’t sleep with all this talk.”
Gun lay down next to his uncle and talked all night long in a low voice about his family’s life in China. His uncle tried not to miss a single word. Whenever Gun mentioned his father, his uncle sobbed. Gun decided not to tell him about his father’s foot, which had been almost useless since he had stepped on a piece of glass while crossing the river. Though they were able to extract the piece of glass and disinfect his foot, the wound wouldn’t heal, and it continued to cause his father pain. They couldn’t find any medicine and were too afraid to ask for help.
Gun and his uncle fell asleep at dawn and didn’t hear Jaeho leave. Gun slept a long and deep sleep.
He woke to someone shaking his body violently.
Gun saw that he was surrounded by soldiers. Something was wrong. He tried to stand up right away, but they kicked at his ribs, and he rolled over in pain.
“Get up, national traitor! You are not worthy of sleeping in this house. Get your butt off the floor.” Two soldiers held Gun’s arms and pulled him along by force. He was led out of his uncle’s house as they kicked him in the abdomen, the calves, his head. How did they know? Had he slept too long? Had someone seen him sneak into the house?
A square-faced soldier ordered the others to stop kicking him, and a truncheon came down on him, hitting him hard in the right thigh.
“Get up! Don’t exaggerate the pain.” The square-faced soldier swatted at Gun with the truncheon.
Gun could barely raise himself. He had witnessed this scene so often in his dreams. Didn’t someone say dreams implied the opposite of what would really happen?
He stood up, shaking, and his uncle and aunt came into sight. His uncle’s tear-filled eyes were fearful, but his aunt avoided Gun’s face. One soldier pulled his hand behind him and another fastened handcuffs on his wrists.
“He hasn’t eaten anything yet today,” his uncle said, approaching the square-faced soldier and appealing to him.
The soldier scowled. “What did you say? Did you say you want to feed that national traitor?”
Gun’s uncle shrank back in fear.
“Did you receive something from him?” the soldier demanded.
“No, nothing…” Gun’s aunt answered.
“If we find something in your house, your family will be punished like him. Understood?” The soldier stared at them, brandishing the truncheon liberally. “Where is your son? According to him, your family isn’t related to this reactionary element’s family.”
Gun didn’t understand this. What did this mean? No, he decided not to understand what the soldier was saying, what this meant. The soldier turned back to Gun and smiled, watching him in silence. Then he held the truncheon to Gun’s face and whispered in his ear, “Welcome back to North Korea.” He pointed at the other soldiers with his truncheon. “Take him to the car,” he ordered.
The soldiers rushed toward him and dragged him into the back of an army car. They got in and sat around him.