He told me stories he’d read in the media of people who had defected from North Korea, and how they’d arrived at their final destinations.
“It could be dangerous,” Jin mused, “but it would be worth it.”
I sipped tea quietly. “Jin, I won’t leave this place.”
“What do you mean?” He peered at me.
“I can’t leave this place.”
Jin’s eyes were wide. “Why not? If you can get to another country safely, you’ll be protected.”
“Jin, how do we know other countries will welcome me? If they don’t accept me, where do I go next?” Before Jin could answer, I continued, “I owe so much to people I left there. My official defection could endanger their lives.”
I had talked about my secret life, my family and people I had met. I had even mentioned Seunggyu; he could be in danger as the ex-boyfriend of a national traitor. It wasn’t his fault that he fell for me. Then I told Jin Sangwon’s story.
“I don’t know whether my family is alive or not, but I can’t gamble their lives for my own sake. They’ve already risked their necks for me. I can’t ignore the people who stood behind me.” I thought about Director Park, Teacher Song, and the director of the orphanage.
Jin’s eyes faded with disappointment, and I forced some cheer into my voice. “Jin. I need to try to survive here first. I think it’s too early to give up on this place. My situation is much better than others like me, and I’m grateful for that. Here I still have hope that I’ll hear from my friends.”
“Okay, Jia. I understand. Let’s try to find a way for you to settle here safely and not be afraid of being dragged back,” Jin said, all smiles again, showing his orderly white teeth.
One afternoon, several weeks later, Jin threw open the door and blew into the living room. “Jia, where are you?” he cried.
I was with Hyunmi, studying Chinese, as usual. After two hours of study, my brain had given up. I envied the Korean-Chinese, like Hyunmi, who could speak both languages fluently. We were about to drink green tea when Jin’s voice startled us. Out of breath, he looked at us in turn and sank down wearily into the sofa, but a confident smile lingered on his face.
“I’m making tea right now. You’d better drink something first.” I turned to go back into the kitchen.
“No. Come here. Sit here first. I have something to tell you.” He was still panting.
I sat down on the sofa. “What’s wrong with you?” I handed him a glass of water, which he downed in a gulp.
After a bit, he drew a long breath and said, “I just got a call from my friend, my best friend. We’ve discussed you, and he knows a Korean-Chinese family. Several days ago, their daughter committed suicide, some kind of mental problem. But they are too poor to bury her and feel too shameful to talk about her death. My friend suggested they sell her ID to us instead of reporting her death to the local office; no one knows about it except her parents and brother. You could use her ID, have legal status, and be free. It’ll be much easier to live here. And then, Jia, with that ID, you can go to another country, like South Korea. Do you know what I mean? You can get out of here. You can walk outside whenever you want. Everything will be fine. You don’t ever have to be anxious again about being caught by the police.”
I just watched his lips quietly for a while. “Is it easy to make her ID mine?”
He smiled, wiping the sweat that flew down from his forehead with the back of his hand. “I don’t think it’s so difficult. The mother said her hometown was also in North Korea and they still have relatives over there; they feel sorry for North Koreans. They already agreed to help you. You won’t have any problems using her ID.”
With a big smile, Hyunmi clapped her hands and said, “Oh, Jia! This is extremely good luck.” Her eyes glittered.
I remained quiet, trying to take in the news. I can go anywhere? I can have my own life? My heart raced, and then raced some more.
A Sad Reunion
It took time for me to feel safe in my new identity. Having stayed with Jin for three months and learned a fair amount of Chinese, I had grown somewhat accustomed to life in China. Hyunmi told me her aunt was looking for an assistant chef for her restaurant, and suggested the job would be a good path to independence, as I could live with her aunt at the restaurant. I thought it was time for me to compensate Jin for his help, and this could be the first step. I was excited to settle into a new life.
I took a bus into the city and followed Hyunmi’s directions to her aunt’s restaurant. I noted the stores on the street as I passed them on foot; this area, I thought, might become my new neighborhood.
Suddenly, I felt a tap on my back. Afraid it might become a repeat of my disastrous search for Sangwon, I kept walking, but the person tapped my back again. I walked faster, but I could hear footsteps close on my heels. When I was about to run, a man’s voice called my name in a low voice, “Jia! Jia!”
I looked back in surprise; who knew my name here? It was Gun. He looked much older than the last time I had seen him. I never expected that my wish to see him again would come true so soon. He seized my arm in haste and dragged me into a side street.
“Can I talk to you for a moment?”
“Gun, my God. Where have you been? I’m always thinking about you. You want to go to some place to talk?”
He looked around anxiously, pointed with his chin, and said, “Go down this street slowly and find the closest inn. Reserve a room. When you get the number of the room, say it loudly, as if you’re making sure of it. I’ll follow right behind you. I’ll tap on the door three times in rapid succession, and then once more. Okay?”
As soon as he saw me nod my head, he disappeared. It was amazing to see him—I was so happy to run into him on the street. But why did he look so nervous? Why did he look so old?
I did as I was told. I walked straight down the street, slowly. I tried not to look back, pretending to look in storefront windows on the way. I tried to find him in the reflection from the windows, but he wasn’t there.
I found the inn easily, and reserved a room. I repeated the room number three times loudly, as the inn owner looked at me curiously. I looked back on my way up to the third floor, but no one was following me. Locking the door to the room, I turned to find a small bed, a pink-flowered thermos on a nightstand, and a well-used washbasin. The smell of disinfectant assailed my nostrils. I perched on the bed’s edge for over an hour, all my nervous energy focused on the door. I wondered how long I should wait. Had I really seen him? Was it Gun? Was I sleepwalking? I decided to wait a little longer. Another hour passed; it felt like a whole day. I was already late for my appointment with Hyunmi’s aunt.
I stood up; I must have seen a phantom on the street, not Gun. The moment I walked toward the door to leave, there were three cautious knocks, then one more, exactly as he’d said. As soon as I opened the door, Gun swept in, locked the door, and plopped himself down on the floor.
“Are you okay? Gun—what’s happened? Is someone chasing you? Gun? You can’t imagine how happy I am to see you again.”
He looked up at me and gave me a tight smile. “I wondered if it was really you when I saw you. When did you get here? You look good. You don’t look like a North Korean woman at all. That’s why I had to follow you for a while. It took time to figure it out.”
He had always been dark, but his gloomy face made him seem even darker; his cheeks had sunk deep into the hollows below his cheekbones.
“I’ve been here several months,” I told him excitedly. “How have you been? Do you live here? Oh—so many things to ask… How are your parents? Is everything all right?” As I spoke, his eyes darted back and forth.