“When I finally saw her, seven months after arriving in China, I wanted to tear my heart to shreds. I heard one village in Heilongjiang had several North Korean women living with Chinese men. I had visited many villages, pursuing similar rumors, with no luck. But I went to the village and checked on all of the women. I couldn’t find her. As I was about to leave, I stopped by a small, dirty grocery store, and asked the old woman there if she knew of Sun. She told me about a pathetic girl from North Korea who was locked in a madman’s house, and gave me directions. I headed there, thinking, It can’t be Sun. She can’t be so unlucky. When I got to the house, I threatened the man that I would turn him in to the police if he didn’t show me his wife.”
Gun’s eyes seemed to dive into the sea. Then he scowled fiercely, looking away.
“The door to her room was locked. When I was let inside, she didn’t recognize me. She tried to run away—she thought I was going to hurt her. She just squatted in the corner, and wailed when I tried to touch her. She was like an animal. She had bruises all over her body. When I spoke her name, she stopped crying and raised her head slightly, watching my face with fear. As soon as she registered my face, she shrank back to her place in the corner, crying without a sound. I just repeated, “Sun, I’m back. I’m back. You don’t have to worry anymore.” She didn’t stop crying and wouldn’t look at me.
“At that moment, the Chinese man came into the room and told me to get out. Sun tried to interfere, but he pushed her to the floor. I was furious. I ran to her and tried to stand her up, but she pushed me back as soon as I touched her. Everything was a blur. He shouted at me to leave. I seized his arm and we left the room together. Turning back to Sun, I told her I wasn’t leaving, to wait there for a moment. From outside the room I could hear her wailing.”
As I listened to him, my body began shaking.
Gun continued without looking at me. “I told the Chinese man that Sun was my sister, that I had been sent to get her back from him. He sneered at me, realizing that I wouldn’t turn him in to the Chinese police. He said that for 15,000 yuan he would let her go. I promised to get him the money and warned him not to touch her before I returned, or he’d get nothing.
“I hesitated to say goodbye to Sun; it seemed she might die of desolation. I told her I’d be back soon, and she stopped sobbing and became quiet. Jia, you don’t know how much I cried on the way back from the house; people on the street thought I was crazy. I was angry at my country, my cousin, and that place. But more than anyone, I was angry with myself.” He raised his head and looked at the ceiling for a moment. Gray molding decorated each corner of the ceiling.
“It took a week to gather the money. When I returned and put the money in the man’s hand, he said, ‘I told her she’d soon be free, but she doesn’t want to leave. Anyway, it’s your responsibility to take her out of my house. If she refuses to leave, it’s not my fault. Don’t expect me to give the money back if she doesn’t go with you. I gave you a chance.’
“I entered the room where Sun was kept. She looked much calmer. She began to relate what she had experienced and how she had been defiled by the Chinese bastard. I tried to stop her; I didn’t want her to relive the pain, and I didn’t want to hear it either. I begged her to leave with me, but she was so stubborn. She said she wouldn’t move one step from that place. I cried in disbelief. She cried too, but she wouldn’t change her mind.
“I understood why she refused to leave. Her eyes were filled with fear and shame. I talked and talked to her, trying to convince her that nothing was her fault—that she should blame the world, not herself. She listened silently, and I didn’t try to force her. I said I would be back in several days. I wanted to give her some time to think. I was so sure she would change her mind and leave with me. That was my biggest, most terrible mistake.”
Gun paused. He watched me with sad eyes, then suddenly bent his head down and rubbed the floor with his fingers. It was filthy, but he didn’t care.
“When I returned to the house, she was dead. The Chinese man blankly told me she’d killed herself. I went out of my mind. I refused to believe it; I was sure he was trying to get more money from me. I grabbed his shirt and threatened him, but he shouted and his neighbors came. They confirmed that they had seen Sun’s dead body. I asked the man where her body was, and he said he had buried it somewhere in the hills because he thought I wouldn’t come back, and because her body had turned black from the poison that she took. He ranted about her. He complained that he’d wasted too much money on her and that I should pay for the medicine she had taken every day to control her headaches and her insanity. Without it, he said, she would have cried out and hit her head against the wall all day.
“I was speechless. I looked at him for a long time. He wasn’t human. He warned me not even to think of getting my money back and threw a bag at me, saying it was the only thing she’d left behind. Then he disappeared hastily with his friends. I opened the bag and found Sun’s belongings well organized inside. She had packed her things neatly in preparation for getting out of that hell. It did not make sense that she would kill herself while waiting for me to come for her.
“As I stood in front of the house in a trance, a Korean-Chinese woman living next door cautiously approached me. She said there had been a big fight the night I left, and she had heard Sun cry out as he beat and harassed her. The woman expressed her regret and said she hadn’t dared to stop him.
“I was so stupid. If I hadn’t given him money, she’d still be alive. I thanked the woman for telling me the truth. Later that night, I returned to the Chinese man’s house. I beat the bastard to death and burned his house down.”
Gun had finished his pack of cigarettes. We looked at each other in silence, and my eyes filled with tears. I remembered my last night with Sun in Pyongyang; if only I had tried to persuade her not to cross the border to find Gun. If I had at least shown that I knew of her plan to leave, she might have lived.
Gun’s eyes were full of guilt and self-loathing. He seemed to be waiting for me to punish him. But how could I say everything was his fault? How could I blame him for killing an innocent and lovable girl? If he was the one who had let her die, I was an accomplice.
Gun broke the silence between us, rubbing his dirty fingers on his pants. “One thing I envy you is that you still remember Sun when she was pretty, and talked tirelessly all day, with her bright smile. I can’t remember that face anymore. The vision of her imprinted on my brain is a bruised face, with sunken eyes and a broken nose.”
Suddenly, he chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. “But, Jia, you know what? You know what I’m doing here right now?” He looked directly into my eyes. “I’m a spy. I’m an agent who hands people like us over to the government. As soon as I get some information about North Koreans here, I give it to the North Korean police. Then they arrest them and send them back to North Korea. I’m catching people who run away, just as I did.”
He crumpled his empty cigarette box.
“Jia, do you know how I got enough money to give to that Chinese bastard? I threatened North Korean women living here, sometimes families. I told them I would turn them over to North Korean agents if they wouldn’t give me money. I forced the money out of them. A few of them I beat. I used them to save Sun.”
I was incredulous. I glared at him with my eyes wide.
“You asked where I was for three months? I was in prison. I was tortured and trained to be a secret agent, to catch North Koreans in China.” His gloomy eyes looked into mine. “Don’t worry—I’m not going to turn you in. They found my father and mother in China while I was in prison. They told me they would protect them if I cooperated; otherwise, I wouldn’t see my parents again in this life. My father died, but they still have my mother. I don’t know where she is right now from the letters they hand me regularly; I only know she’s not dead yet.”