‘I heard where they’ve got a lot of odd gods,’ said Nobby.
‘Yeah, and mad priests,’ said Colon. ‘Foaming at the mouth, half of ’em. Believe all kinds of loony things.’
They watched the painter in silence for a moment. Colon was dreading the question that came.
‘So how exactly are they different from ours, then?’ said Nobby. ‘I mean, some of our priests are—’
‘I hope you ain’t being unpatriotic,’ said Colon severely.
‘No, of course not. I was just asking. I can see where they’d be a lot worse than ours, being foreign and everything.’
‘And of course they’re all mad for fighting,’ said Colon. ‘Vicious buggers with all those curvy swords of theirs.’
‘You mean, like… they viciously attack you while cowardly running away after tasting cold steel?’ said Nobby, who sometimes had a treacherously good memory for detail.
‘You can’t trust ’em, like I said. And they burp hugely after meals.’
‘Well… so do you, sarge.’
‘Yes, but I don’t pretend it’s polite, Nobby.’
‘Well, it’s certainly a good job there’s you around to explain things, sarge,’ said Nobby. ‘It’s amazing the stuff you know.’
‘I surprise myself, sometimes,’ said Colon modestly.
The painter of the ship leaned back to admire his work. They heard him give a heartfelt little groan, and both of them nodded in satisfaction.
Hostage negotiations were always tricky, Carrot had learned. It paid not to rush things. Let the other man talk when he was ready.
So he was whiling away the time sitting behind the upturned cart they were using as a shield from the occasional random arrow and writing his letter home. The exercise was carried out with much frowning, sucking of the pencil and what Commander Vimes called a ballistic approach to spelling and punctuation.
Dere Mum and Dade,
I hope this letter finds you in good health as I am also. Thank you for the big parcel of dwarf bread you sent me I have sharred it with the other dwarfs on the Watch and they say it is better even than Ironcrufts (‘T’Bread Wi’ T’Edge’){18} and you carn’t beat the taste of a home-forged loaf, so well done mum.
Things are going well with the Wolf Pack that I have told you about but Cmdr. Vimes is not happy, I told him they were good lads at heart and it would help them to learn the ways of Natchure and the Wilderness and he said hah they know them already that is the trouble. But he gave me $5 to buy a football which proves he cares deep down.
We have more new faeces in the Watch which is just as well with this truble with Klatch, it is all looking very Grave, I feel it is the Clam before the Storm and no mistake.
I must brake off now because some robbers have broke into Vortin’s Dimond Warehouse and have taken Corporal Angua hostage. I fear there may be terrible bloodshed so,
I remain,
Yr. Loving Son,
Carrot Ironfoundersson (Captain)
ps I will write again tomorrow
Carrot folded the letter carefully and slipped it under his breastplate.
‘I think they have had long enough to consider our suggestion, constable. What’s next on the list?’
Constable Shoe leafed through a file of grubby paper and pulled out another sheet.
‘Well, we’re down to offences of stealing pennies off blind beggars now,’ he said. ‘Oh, no, this is a good one…’
Carrot took the sheet in one hand and megaphone in the other and raised his head carefully over the edge of the cart.
‘Good morning again!’ he said brightly. ‘We’ve found another one. Theft of jewellery from—’
‘Yes! Yes! We did it!’ shouted a voice from the building.
‘Really? I haven’t even said what it was yet,’ said Carrot.
‘Never mind, we did it! Now can we come out, please?’ There was another sound behind the voice. It sounded like a low, continuous growl.
‘I think you ought to be able to tell me what you stole,’ said Carrot.
‘Er… rings? Gold rings?’
‘Sorry, no rings mentioned.’
‘Pearl necklace? Yes, that’s what—’
‘Getting warmer, but no.’
‘Earrings?’
‘Ooo, you’re so close,’ said Carrot encouragingly.
‘A crown, was it? Maybe a coronet?’
Carrot leaned down to the constable. ‘Says here a tiara, Reg, can we let—?’ He stood up. ‘We’re prepared to accept “coronet”. Well done!’
He looked down at Constable Shoe again.
‘This is all right, isn’t it, Reg? It’s not coercion, is it?’
‘Can’t see how it can be, captain. I mean, they broke in, they took a hostage…’
‘I suppose you’re right—’
‘Please! No! Good boy! Down!’
‘Seems to be about it, sir,’ said Reg Shoe, peering around the edge of the cart. ‘We’ve got them down for everything but the Hide Park Flasher—’
‘We did that!’ screamed someone.
‘—and that was a woman…’
‘We did it!’ This time the voice was a lot higher. ‘Now please can we come out?’
Carrot stood up and raised the megaphone. ‘If you gentlemen would care to step out with your hands up?’
‘Are you joking?’ whimpered someone, against the background of another growl.
‘Well, at least with your hands where I can see them.’
‘You bet, mister!’
Four men stumbled out into the street. Their torn clothing fluttered in the breeze. The apparent leader pointed an angry finger back at the doorway as Carrot walked towards them.
‘The owner of that place ought to be prosecuted!’ he shouted. ‘Keeping a wild animal like that in his strongroom, it’s disgraceful! We broke in perfectly peacefully and it just attacked us for no reason at all!’
‘You shot at Constable Shoe here,’ said Carrot.
‘Only to miss! Only to miss!’
Constable Shoe pointed at the arrow sticking into his breastplate.
‘Right where it shows!’ he complained. ‘It’s a welding job and we have to pay for our own armour repairs and there’ll always be a mark, you know, no matter what I do.’
Their horrified gaze took in the stitch marks around his neck and on his hands, and it dawned on them that, although the human race came in a variety of colours, very few living people were grey with a hint of green.
‘Here, you’re a zombie!’
‘That’s right, kick a man when he’s dead,’ said Constable Shoe sharply.
‘And you took Corporal Angua hostage. A lady,’ said Carrot, in the same level voice. It was very polite. But it simply suggested that somewhere a fuse was burning, and it would be a good idea not to wait for it to reach the barrel.
‘Yes… sort of… but she must’ve got away when that creature turned up…’
‘So you left her in there?’ said Carrot, still very calm.
The men dropped to their knees. The leader raised his hand imploringly.
‘Please! We’re just robbers and thieves! We’re not bad men!’
Carrot nodded to Constable Shoe. ‘Take them down to the Yard, constable.’
‘Right!’ said Reg. There was a mean look in his eye as he cocked his crossbow. ‘I’m down ten dollars thanks to you. So you’d better not try to escape.’