He and Pam waited until after dinner to make an announcement. Gavin had just raised his glass to all of them, Adamses and Petersons alike, and he wished them all a beautiful Christmas, as Becky's youngest brother guffawed and said that was really corny. But he said it in a good-natured way that indicated they were good friends. All of the Adams children really liked him. And so did Pam. She loved him. Maybe not as much as she'd loved Mike after so many years and five kids, but more than enough to want to share her life with him. They told the assembled company over coffee and dessert that they were getting married in June. They wanted some time to find a house, and he had offered to put the kids in better schools and pay for it. He wanted the very best for them, and for Pam, or the best he could do for them at least. He was a very generous person. And all of the Petersons congratulated them, as Alice noticed out of the corner of her eye that Johnny was sitting on the floor, near the Christmas tree, and watching them. As usual, he couldn't keep his eyes off Becky. She looked lovelier than ever, and like her old self again, although there was a nostalgic look in her eye each time she talked about the things she had done with Johnny. But she was still very young and had a lifetime ahead of her. Johnny knew it, and sensed that she would be happy now without him.
“What about you?” Alice asked Becky. “You're not getting married, are you?” She was only half-teasing.
“I should hope not! She's too young!” Johnny shouted from the living room, and Bobby burst out laughing. The others looked at him, surprised, and he immediately fell back into silence, while Alice shot him a warning look, and a few minutes later, stepped into the living room to scold Johnny.
“Have you gotten into the eggnog? What are you doing shouting like that?”
“No one can hear me, Mom, except you and Bobby. I can shout all I want, and sing, and do cartwheels,” he said, demonstrating one for her, and nearly crashing into the coffee table.
“I think you need some exercise or something.”
“I'm just having fun,” he smiled at her as she shook her head and went back to the others. Johnny was doing push-ups next to the Christmas tree when she left him, and singing as loud as he could.
“What were you doing in there?” Jim asked gently. Pam had commented while she was gone that she was still talking to herself a lot of the time. And Charlotte said she always did now, when she was in the kitchen alone or in their bedroom before Jim came up at night. She sounded just like she was talking to a friend or something. “I think she imagines she's talking to your brother,” he said softly, but even more than the others, he worried about her. She seemed so well balanced and sane, but it was obvious to all of them that she hadn't recovered from her son's death, and maybe never would, particularly not if she was “talking” to him. It was particularly poignant as it was their first Christmas without him.
“I was just making sure the Christmas tree lights were on,” Alice said, looking unconcerned, when Jim asked her what she'd been doing. It sounded like a reasonable explanation, but didn't explain the whispered conversation that Jim had heard when he stood in the doorway and listened to her. He just hoped she'd get over it eventually, and regain her balance again. He was feeling closer to her than he had in a long time.
They talked about Pam and Gavin's wedding after that, and all their plans. They knew exactly what kind of house they wanted. And once they found it, and got it ready for themselves, they were going to put Pam's house and his in L.A. on the market. The children said they'd be sad to leave their old house, but they were excited about everything Gavin had said to them. He had even promised to buy a boat to use on the lake next summer.
And then Pam turned to Becky, and told her to share her news with them. She blushed for a minute, and Johnny panicked as he watched her. He had come back to the table to sit in one of the chairs Becky's siblings had vacated. They had all gone upstairs with Bobby and Charlotte, to watch videos in Charlotte's bedroom.
“She's not getting married, is she, Mom?” he asked with a terrified expression, not that he could stop her now, or even wanted to, but in some ways, he still hated her being with someone else, and he knew he had to get over it. He wanted her happiness, but he still felt a pang when he thought of bowing out of her life. He had introduced Buzz to her, and he didn't begrudge her her happiness, and yet all he wanted when he looked at her was to put his arms around her one last time. But since she couldn't see him, he couldn't. He held her hand sometimes, but she had no sense of it. The only people he could hug and kiss and touch were Bobby and his mother. And he couldn't help wondering what would have happened if Becky had been able to see him the way they did. Maybe that was why that hadn't been allowed to happen. If it had, it would have been even harder for him to leave when the time came.
“What's your news, Becky?” Alice prodded. Johnny looked as though he were about to explode as he waited.
“I got a scholarship,” she said, sounding very modest about it. “At UCLA. I'm starting in January. And Buzz is going back to school then too. He really helped me get it,” she said, looking very happy.
“No, he didn't,” Johnny said petulantly, as his mother looked at him, “I did.” Alice nodded, as though agreeing with him, but she couldn't say anything with all the others watching her.
“That's wonderful, dear,” she said, knowing how proud Pam must be of her. She had gotten a full scholarship, and was planning to be an art major. Alice had collected at least a dozen sketches of Johnny from her over the years, and she was very good. She said she wanted to take art history classes too, and be an art teacher when she graduated. Johnny had always thought it would be a great career for her. And she was on her way now.
After dinner, Pam went out to the kitchen to help Alice clean up, and the two men went into the living room to discuss business, and taxes, politics, and sports, while Johnny sat with them. It wasn't a conversation that interested him much, but he was afraid he would make his mother seem odd if he went out to the kitchen with her, and made too many comments to her that she would be tempted to respond to. It seemed better to stay away from her, so he sat in a chair and listened to his father and Gavin talk, and then he saw Becky going upstairs to join the others, and instinctively he followed her. But she didn't turn toward Charlotte's room, where the others were watching videos. Instead, she walked soundlessly to Johnny's room, opened the door, and slipped quietly inside before anyone could notice. She shut the door behind her, and stood there for a long moment, breathing in his familiar smell, and she lay down on his bed in the moonlight and closed her eyes. He was standing right next to her, and he gently touched her hand, but she couldn't feel it, except in her heart. She could feel his presence in the room with her, and a strange peace seemed to fill her.
She knew his room so well, and him, and his life, all his dreams, and the things he had once hoped for, all the secrets they'd shared with each other.
“I love you, Johnny,” she whispered, and closed her eyes, as he looked at her.
“I love you too, Becky. I always will.” And then as though a force greater than him made him say it, “I want you to be happy. You're going to have a great time in college … and if you want to be with Buzz, and he makes you happy,” he nearly choked on the words but knew he had to say them anyway, “I just want you to have a good life, with him, or someone else. You deserve it, Becky. You know I'll always love you.” She nodded, as though she could hear him, in her head, in her heart, in the dreams they had once shared. She felt peaceful and warm, and after a long time, she got up, and wandered around the room, touching his photographs and treasures and trophies. She stood for a long time, looking at her favorite photograph of him. She had the same one next to her bed at home, but there was one of Buzz there now too. But as she looked at Johnny's picture now, it was as though she could really see him.