“It should hurt. You can't be proud of yourself, and if you are, you're crazy. And maybe you're that too, Mad. You lied to me, you abandoned her. Did Bobby Joe know about it?”
“Yes, he did,” she said fairly, but at that time, it had been much more recent.
“Maybe that's why he kicked the shit out of you. That explains it. You left that part out when you whined about him. I'm not so sure now that I blame him.”
“That's bullshit!” Maddy blazed back at him. “I don't care what I did. I didn't deserve the way he treated me, and I don't deserve it now. What you're doing isn't fair, and you know it.”
“Lying to me about her wasn't either. How do you think I feel? You're a whore, Mad, a cheap slut. You must have been out fucking around when you were twelve, for chrissake. It makes me wonder who you are now. I feel like I don't even know you.”
“That's not fair,” and he had completely dodged the issue of not having told her. “I was fifteen, and I was wrong, but it was a terrible thing to have happen to me. Nothing in my life has ever been so sad or so painful. Even being kicked around by Bobby Joe wasn't as bad. When I left her, it ripped my heart out.”
“Tell her that, don't tell me. Maybe you can write her a check for it. But don't try using any of my money. I'll be watching.”
“I've never used your money for anything,” she shouted at him, “I use my own, for everything I do,” she said proudly.
“Like hell you do. Who do you think pays your salary? That's my money too,” he said smugly.
“I earn it.”
“The hell you do. You're the most overpaid anchor in the business.”
“No,” Maddy shot at him, “Brad is, and he's going to fuck your show right out the window. I can hardly wait to see it happen.”
“And when it does, sister, you'll go with it. In fact, the way you've been behaving these days, and treating me, I'd say your days are numbered. I'm not going to put up with your bullshit for a lot longer. Why the fuck should I? I can throw your ass out of here anytime I want to. I'm not going to sit here forever while you lie to me, steal from me, victimize me. My God, woman, I can't believe the abuse I take from you.” Just listening to him stunned her. He was the abuser and he was pretending to be the victim. But Dr. Flowers had warned her of that technique and it was very effective. In spite of what she knew and felt, he actually made her feel guilty and defensive. “And just to make things clear, don't try bringing your little brat around here. She's probably a whore, just like her mother.”
“She's my daughter!” Maddy shouted at him in total frustration. “I have a right to see her if I want to, and I live here.”
“Only for as long as I say you do, and don't you forget that.” And with that, he got up and walked out of the room, and Maddy stood there gasping. She waited until she could hear him moving around upstairs, and then quietly closed the kitchen door and called Dr. Flowers. She told her everything that had happened, about Lizzie finding her, and Jack not telling her she'd been looking for her, and his utter fury at having been lied to.
“And how do you feel, Maddy? Right now. Honestly. Think about it.”
“I feel guilty. I should have told him. And I never should have left her.”
“Do you believe all the things he says you are?”
“Some of them.”
“Why? If he came to you with your story could you forgive him?”
“Yes,” she said instantly, “I think I'd understand it.”
“Then what does it say about him that he can't do that for you?”
“That he's a shit,” Maddy said, looking around her kitchen, and listening to Dr. Flowers.
“That's one way to put it. But you're not. That's the point here. You're a good person who had a very sad thing happen to her, that's one of the worst things that can happen to a woman, having to give up a baby. Can you forgive yourself for it?”
“Maybe. In time.”
“And what about the things Jack is saying to you? Do you think you deserve them?”
“No.”
“Think what that says about him. Listen to what he's saying about you, Maddy. None of it's true, but all of it is aimed to hurt you, and it does, and I don't blame you for it.” She heard footsteps in the hall then, and told Dr. Flowers she had to go, but at least the doctor had given her some perspective. And an instant later, the door flew open and Jack strode into the room with a look of suspicion.
“Who were you talking to? Your boyfriend?”
“I don't have a boyfriend, Jack, and you know it,” she said meekly.
“Who was it then?”
“A friend.”
“You don't have friends. No one likes you. Was it that little black faggot you love so much?” Maddy winced at what Jack was saying, but she didn't answer. “You'd damn well better not tell anyone about this. I don't want you wrecking my show. You say a word about this to anyone, and I'll kill you. Do you understand me?”
“I understand you,” she said with her eyes filled with tears. He had said so many hurtful things in the past hour, she didn't know which had hurt most. They all did.
She waited for him to leave the room, and then dialed the hotel where Lizzie was staying. She knew she'd be there till the morning.
They rang her room, and a second later, Lizzie answered. She'd been lying on her bed, thinking about Maddy. She'd watched her on the news that night and couldn't stop smiling.
“Maddy … I mean Mom … I mean …”
“Mom is fine.” Maddy smiled at the now familiar voice, and realized that Lizzie sounded just like her. “I just called to tell you I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom. God, that sounds good, doesn't it?”
There were tears running down Maddy s cheeks as she answered. “It sure does, sweetheart. I'll call you in Memphis. Have a safe trip back.” She didn't want anything to happen to her now that they had found each other, and when she put the phone down again, she was smiling. No matter what Jack said to her, or did to her because of it, he couldn't take that away from her now. After all these years, and so many losses, she was a mother.
Chapter 13
BILL AND MADDY MET AT the Bombay Club for lunch, and she was wearing a white linen Chanel pantsuit when she walked in, with her sunglasses on her head and a straw handbag over her shoulder. She looked like an ad for the joys of summer, and he looked happy to see her. He looked handsome and tan, and his white hair was in sharp contrast to his blue eyes and suntanned face, as he stood up and watched Maddy walk toward him. She looked a lot happier than she had the last time he saw her and he was pleased to see it.
He ordered white wine for both of them, and they chatted for a few minutes before looking at the menu. Several well-known politicians were there, and a Supreme Court judge Bill knew from their days at Harvard.
“You seem pretty chipper today,” he smiled at her, “are things a little quieter on the home front?”
“I wouldn't say that, but Dr. Flowers has been a big help, and something wonderful happened to me.”
Every time he met her, for one reason or another, he was afraid she was going to tell him she was pregnant. He didn't know why it bothered him so much, but now that he knew more about Jack, he particularly didn't want her to get trapped in that marriage. And a baby would certainly do that.
“You said something about it yesterday. Am I allowed to ask, or is it top secret?”
She laughed at the way he said it. “I think your security clearance is adequate for this, Ambassador. Besides, I trust you, but yes, it is a secret.”
“You're not having a baby, Maddy, are you?” He said it in an undervoice, looking worried, and she smiled like the Mona Lisa, as he felt a tremor of worry run through him.