“I love you too, Bill,” she said softly. “You're my best friend in the world.” What they shared had even surpassed what she'd shared with Greg, who seemed to have moved on to his own life. “You're like my family, almost like a big brother.”
But having said it, he was not going to back down. He stood very close to her, and put a hand on her shoulder. “That's not how I meant it, Maddy” he said clearly. “I mean it in a deeper sense, as a man. I love you,” he repeated, and she stared at him, not sure how to answer. He understood that too, and tried to put her at ease. But he was glad he had finally said it to her. It had been a long time coming. Six months of great intimacy, in all the ways that mattered. He was part of her daily life now, and only wished he could be more so. “You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I don't expect anything from you. I think I've been waiting for the last six months for you to change your life, and do something about Jack. But I understand how hard that is for you. I'm not even sure you ever will. I think I accept that. But I don't want to wait until you do, or if you do, to tell you that I love you. Life is short, and love is very special.” She was bowled over by what he was saying to her.
“You're very special too,” she said softly and leaned toward him to kiss him on the cheek, but he turned slightly, and she wasn't sure how it happened, if she had done it, or he, but the next thing she knew she was kissing him, and he her, profoundly from their hearts and with considerable passion. And when they stopped, she looked at him with amazement. “How did that happen?”
“I think it was a long time coming,” he said, putting his arms around her, and worrying that he might have upset her. “Are you okay?” He looked down at her, and she nodded and leaned her head against him. He was considerably taller than she was, and she felt safe and happy in his arms, in a way she knew she had never known before. This was something completely different, and in its newness, it was both wonderful and scary.
“I think I am,” she said, looking up at him and trying to sort out her feelings. And then he kissed her again, and she did nothing to resist. On the contrary, she realized now that it was all she wanted. But it made what Jack had said about her true. She had never cheated on him, never looked at another man before, and she realized now that she was in love with Bill, and she had no idea what to do about it.
They sat down at the kitchen table, holding hands, and looked at each other. It was suddenly a whole new world between them. He had thrown open a door that they had both been standing near, and Maddy had never realized how grandiose the vista would be once he did it. “This is quite a Christmas gift,” she said with a shy smile, and he smiled broadly.
“Yes, it is, Maddy, isn't it? But I don't want you to feel pressured. I didn't plan this. I didn't expect it any more than you did. And I don't want you to feel guilty about it.” He knew her well now. There were times when just breathing made her feel guilty, and this was a lot more than breathing. This was living.
“How am I supposed to feel? I'm married, Bill. I'm doing everything he accuses me of, and none of it was ever true before. Now it is … or it could be …”
“That depends how we handle it, and I suggest we move very slowly.” Although he knew now that he would have liked to move a great deal more quickly. But out of respect for her, he knew he couldn't. “I want to make you happy, not screw up your life.” But it certainly complicated it. And it forced her to look at her relationship with Jack in a way she had been avoiding. She had been catapulted into an entirely different situation with their first kiss.
“What am I going to do?” she asked Bill, but she was asking herself the same question. She was married to a man who treated her abominably. But in spite of that, she had a sense of loyalty to him, or at least that was what she called it.
“You're going to do what's right for you. I'm a big boy. I can deal with it. But whatever you decide about me, or about us, you still have to do something about Jack. You can't hide from that forever, Maddy” He was hoping that his love, and her knowing it now, would give her the strength she needed to escape him. In a sense, although she didn't want to think about it that way, he was her passport to freedom. But she was determined not to use him. She sensed that, if she wanted it to be, he could be her future. Bill Alexander was not a man to take lightly.
They chatted over lunch after that, eating cheese and drinking wine, and he made her laugh a little bit about their situation. He told her that, although he didn't recognize it at first, he had fallen in love with her right from the beginning.
“I think I did too,” she admitted to him, “but I was afraid to face it. It seemed like the wrong thing to do, because of Jack.” And it still was, but it was stronger than she now, or either of them. “Jack will never forgive me for this, you know,” she said unhappily. “He'll never believe this hasn't been going on all along. He'll tell everyone in the world that I've been cheating on him.”
“He might have done that anyway, if you leave him.” And Bill prayed now more than ever that she would, for both their sakes. He felt as though an exquisite butterfly had landed on his hand, and he was afraid to touch or catch it. He just wanted to admire it and love it. “I think he's going to say some pretty ugly things, when you get free of him, regardless of me. He's not going to thank you for it, Maddy” It was the first time he had said “when” instead of “if,” and they both heard it. “The truth is, he needs you, more than you need him. You needed him to fulfill your fantasies about safety and marriage. But he needs you to feed his sickness, to satisfy his bloodlust, if you will. An abuser needs a victim.” She didn't answer him as she thought about it, and then silently she nodded.
It was after three o'clock when she left him, reluctantly. She wanted to stay with him, and they kissed for a long time before she left. There was a new dimension to their relationship now, a door that had been opened and could not be closed again, nor did either of them want to.
“Take care of yourself,” he whispered to her. “Be careful.”
“I will.” And then she smiled at him as he held her. “I love you … and thank you for the caviar … and the kisses….”
“Anytime,” he smiled back at her, and he stood in the doorway and waved, as she drove away. They both had a lot to think about. Particularly Maddy
She was instantly nervous when her secretary told her Jack had called her twice in the last hour. She sat down at her desk, took a breath, and called his intercom number, terrified suddenly that someone might have seen her leaving Bill's house. And her hands were shaking when he answered.
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Christmas shopping,” she said quickly. The lie had come to her so easily that she was startled at her own willingness to deceive him. But she certainly couldn't tell him where she had been, or what she'd been doing. Although she'd thought about it on the way back, wondering if the right thing to do was to tell him the truth, that she was desperately unhappy with him, and in love with someone else. But she knew that it would be an invitation to him to abuse her. Unless she could leave immediately. And she knew she wasn't ready. In this case, honesty was not necessarily the right answer or at least not yet.
“I was calling you to tell you that I have to meet with President Armstrong tonight.” Hearing that surprised her. The President didn't seem well enough to her yet to be having evening meetings, but she didn't question him about it. It was easier not to. And she decided instantly that her suspicions about him were probably based on her own bad behavior. She hated to think about it that way. But she knew that whatever her feelings for him, what was happening with Bill was not the right thing for a married woman to be doing, however damaged and flawed the marriage happened to be.