Marriage and mating depend on red leaves;
A matchmaker ties the threads between husband and wife.
“From what you suggest,” the queen replied, “the royal tutor should be invited to be matchmaker, and the superintendent of the Male-welcoming Post Station will be the mistress of ceremonies. Go to the post station and ask for the consent of the emperor's younger brother. When he has agreed we shall go out of the city in our carriage to greet him.” The tutor and the superintendent left the palace to carry out their instructions.
Sanzang and his disciples were just enjoying a vegetarian meal in the hall of the post station when someone was heard outside announcing the arrival of the queen's tutor and the superintendent.
“Why is the queen's tutor here?” Sanzang asked.
“Perhaps it's an invitation from the queen,” said Pig. “It's either that or a proposal of marriage,” said Brother Monkey.
“But if she tries to force me to marry her and refuses to let us go what am I to do, Wukong?” Sanzang asked.
“Just agree, Master,” said Monkey. “I'll find a way to cope.”
Before, they had finished their conversation the two women officials entered and bowed low to the venerable elder, who returned their courtesies and said, “I am a humble monk. What wonderful powers do I have that you should bow to me thus?”
The queen's tutor was discreetly delighted with his noble bearing, thinking, “Our country will indeed be very fortunate if this man is to become our queen's husband.” When the two officials had finished bowing they stood on either side of Sanzang and said, “Imperial brother, many, many congratulations.”
“I am a monk,” Sanzang replied, “so what good fortune is there to congratulate me on?”
Bowing again, the queen's tutor said, “This is Womanland of Western Liang, and no man has ever come here before. As Your Excellency the emperor's brother has graced us with your presence I am here on the orders of Her Majesty the queen to propose marriage.”
“Good gracious!” said Sanzang. “I have come to your distinguished country with no children apart from my three boorish disciples. Which of them is it that Her Majesty wishes to marry?”
“I have just been to the palace to report,” the superintendent of the post station said, “and our queen was very, very happy. She said that last night she had an auspicious dream in which a golden screen shone with many colours, and a jade mirror was full of light. When she learned that Your Excellency the emperor's brother was a man from the great land of Tang she decided to offer you all the wealth of our country to persuade you to stay here as her husband and sit on the throne. Her Majesty would become queen consort. The royal tutor was commissioned to act as matchmaker and I was made mistress of ceremonies. We are here to ask for your hand.” At this Sanzang bowed his head in silence.
“A true man does not throw away his chance,” the queen's tutor said. “There is nothing unusual about a man being asked to marry a woman and live in her house, but rarely does it happen that one is offered the wealth of a state to do so. I beg the emperor's brother to assent quickly so that I may report back to Her Majesty.” The venerable elder seemed to have been struck dumb.
Pig, who was standing beside them, put his hands to his snout and called, “Tutor, please report back to Her Majesty that my master is an arhat who has long cultivated the Way. He's not interested in your country's wealth or in Her Majesty's great beauty. Hurry up and return our passport and send him on his way to the West. You can keep me here to be her husband. What about it?” The suggestion made the tutor tremble. She was speechless with shock.
“You may be a man,” the superintendent said, “but you are much too ugly for Her Majesty.”
“You don't understand,” said pig. “Thick willow twigs make dustpans and fine ones make funnels. There's a use for everything. There's not a man in all the world who's really ugly.”
“Idiot,” said Monkey, “stop that nonsense. Let our master decide. If he agrees the wedding is on, and if he doesn't it's off. Don't waste the matchmaker's time.”
“Wukong,” said Sanzang, “you decide.”
“If you ask me,” Monkey replied, “you'd be very well off here. As the old saying goes,
A thousand miles can't keep apart
A couple that's fated to wed:
Their lives and destinies are tied
By a long and invisible thread.
Where else will you find a place that offers you this much?”
“Disciple,” said Sanzang, “if we stay here out of a love for wealth and status who will go to the Western Heaven to fetch the scriptures? Would that not be a terrible thing to do to our Great Tang emperor?”
“Your Excellency,” the royal tutor replied, “I must tell you the truth. Our queen only intends to marry you, the emperor's brother. Your three disciples will be invited to the wedding banquet, given presents, have their passport returned, and be allowed to go on their journey to the Western Heaven to fetch the scriptures.”
“What the royal tutor says is right,” replied Monkey. “We three mustn't make difficulties. We'll let our master stay here as the queen's husband. Hurry up and return us our travel document so that we can be on our way West. We will pay our respects to Her Majesty on our way back with the scriptures, and ask for some money for the journey back to the Great Tang.”
The royal tutor and the superintendent both bowed to Monkey and said, “We are very grateful to you, sir, for your helpfulness.”
“Tutor,” said Pig, “don't just talk about feeding us. Now that we've agreed, get your mistress to lay on a banquet so that we can all drink a cup of betrothal wine. What about it?”
“Yes, yes,” said the tutor, “a banquet will be provided.” The superintendent and the tutor returned in great delight to report back to the queen.
Sanzang meanwhile grabbed Monkey and started abusing him. “You're trying to kill me, you ape. How could you say things like that? Making me stay here to be her husband while you go to the Western Heaven to worship the Buddha! I'd die before I agreed to do that.”
“Don't worry, Master,” said Monkey. “Of course I know your nature. But faced with people like that in a place like this I had to play them at their own game.”
“What do you mean by playing them at their own game?” Sanzang asked.
“If you had been obstinate and refused her she would not have returned our travel paper or let us continue on our way,” Monkey replied. “If she had turned vicious and called on all her underlings to slice your flesh off to make perfume bags or whatever we'd never have earned a good reward. We'd have had to use our magic powers for subduing and killing demons. You know how hard we hit and how murderous our weapons are. Once we got going we'd have wiped out everyone in the whole country. But they're people, not demons, even if they are blocking our way. And all along this journey you've been good and merciful-you haven't killed a single soul. How could you bear to kill so many innocent people? That really would be evil.”
“Wukong,” replied Sanzang, “that is a very fine argument. But I'm afraid that when the queen takes me into her palace she will want me to perform my conjugal duties. I could not possibly lose my primal masculinity and ruin my conduct as a Buddhist monk, or let my true seed escape and destroy my status in the faith.”
“As you have agreed to the marriage she is bound to treat you as king and come out in her carriage to fetch you,” Monkey replied. “You must on no account refuse. Take your seat in the phoenix and dragon carriage, enter the throne hall, and sit on the throne facing South as monarch. Tell the queen to fetch her royal seals and write an invitation summoning us to court. Stamp our travel permit with the official seal and ask her to sign it herself and return it to us. Have a banquet laid on as a celebration for yourself and the queen and to say farewell to us too. When the banquet is over have the carriage got ready and tell her that when you have seen us three out of the city you will be coming back to sleep with her. This will put the queen and her subjects into such a good mood that they won't try to keep us any more, let alone have any evil intentions towards us. When you have escorted us out of the city, get out of the carriage. Tell Friar Sand to stay with you and help you mount the white horse while I use some immobilizing magic to stop the queen and her subjects from moving. Then we can carry on West along the main road, and when we've been travelling for a day and a night I'll say a spell to undo the magic and revive them so that they can go back into the city. This way none of them will be killed and you won't have to harm your essential spirit. This is what they call a plan to 'slip through the net with a false marriage.' It works both ways, doesn't it?”