Dad got home about half past five. He just told me that he had a phone call from Steiner. We had an appointment at school at nine the next morning, and supposedly everything was worked out. Dad was doubtful; he had a hearty mistrust of all lawyers. I remember dating a girl in high school who had gone on to become a lawyer. Years later Mom asked if I remembered her. When I said I did, she mentioned that she had become a lawyer, and had married another lawyer, and that they now had two kids. Dad promptly quipped, “Oh my God, now they’re breeding!”
Dinner would be in half an hour. I found Suzie watching TV in the family room. I sat down on the ratty old couch we had down there. “Want to play a joke on Mom?” I asked.
Suzie giggled and nodded. In many ways she was the most normal of us. She grew up to become a nurse, married a divorced cop with two boys, and had another two boys with him. They did very well together. Her biggest problem when she was growing up was her teenage years. She was a real pain in the tail, to the point I nicknamed her the Ice Queen Bitch From Hell. My parents used to say that she had ‘growing pains.’ I took this to mean the normal adolescent issues, which seemed to me to be wholly inadequate to describe her, but this actually was their clever little euphemism for actual pains. She had terrible PMS and menstrual cramping, which made her miserable for almost two weeks of every month. It was so bad that her gynecologist put her on the Pill to control her cycle, which worked wonders for her, though it totally freaked out our father.
“Do you have a water color paint set?” I thought I had seen her painting with it the other day. She nodded and I told her to go bring it down to the laundry room. She scampered off.
She was back a couple of minutes later, acting all sneaky and surreptitious. “Okay, what are we going to do?”
I opened up the kit and grinned. “We’re going to give you a black eye!”
“Cool!”
I took a brush and wet it at the laundry room sink, and then used it to wet the black water color pigment. I then had her stand still and close her eyes. I only did her right eye, to match mine, even though she wanted both done. We got finished just as Mom called us to supper.
“Okay. You need to wait here. Wait until I get upstairs to the table, and then you come in last. And don’t touch it. Don’t scratch your eye or get your eye wet or the paint will run.”
“Maybe I can go to school like this tomorrow!” she said excitedly.
I had to smile at that. “Yeah, I bet Mom would love that idea. You should make sure to ask her. Now wait until Mom calls you.”
I headed upstairs to find the other three already seated. I immediately sat down in my normal seat to the right of Dad and next to Hamilton. Dad sat at the head of the table and Mom at the other end. Suzie’s normal place was opposite Ham and me.
“Suzie! We’re waiting for you!” called out Mom.
I endeavored mightily to keep a straight face. Suzie bounded up the stairs and into the dining room. “Sorry I’m late.” She had an enormous grin on her face as she sat down at the table.
Mom stared at her with a mixture of awe and horror. “Oh my God!” Dad took the opposite tack, simply breaking down into raucous laughter. I had to hide my face behind my hands and bite my napkin to keep from joining him.
“Carling made me a Black Eyed Suzie after all!” she announced, which totally set my father off. He was laughing so hard he was crying, and even Mom was smiling through her disapproving looks.
“Hey, you should have taken me seriously this morning,” I said, breaking down and laughing. Even Hamilton had started to laugh by now, not so much at Suzie as at my parents’ reactions.
“I wanted him to do both eyes,” said Suzie.
“You’d look like a raccoon then,” I replied.
“Cool! Mom, can I go to school tomorrow like this?”
Dad laughed some more, and Mom simply repeated, “Oh my God!” She began wagging a finger at me and smiling. “I’ll get you back for this one! I assume it comes off, or I really will get you back.”
“It was water color. It will come off in the bathtub tonight.” I grinned. “I debated making camouflage paint like they use in the army, but I figured I didn’t have the time.”
“You can’t do that,” said Ham scornfully.
“Of course I can. Do you have any idea what that stuff even is? It’s nothing but lipstick with brown and green instead of the red. Stick it in a green plastic container and it’s no longer Sunset Kiss but Macho Manly. I figured I could grind up a charcoal briquette and mix it with a little Vaseline and do it. Kind of greasy, though, and I didn’t have time to experiment.” He looked disdainful but I ignored him.
Dad settled down enough to start serving dinner, although every time he looked at my sister he would chuckle. I was sentenced to cleaning up after dinner, while Mom took Suzie to the bathroom to wash up. There were to be no black eyes at school the next day, or at least none that didn’t belong to me.
Chapter 4: Back To School
I set the alarm clock for an hour early the next morning, which made it my normal time to get up as an adult. Back when I was a kid the first time, I was a very late riser, but after forty years working I tended to get up by seven or earlier, even on my days off.
When the alarm went off the next morning, Hamilton grumbled and bitched he was going to tell Mom. I ignored him and pulled on some gym shorts and a tee shirt and sneakers. I also grabbed a sweatshirt. It was November after all. I quietly went down the stairs and out the back door.
This was going to be a major change in my overall life plan. It was one thing to accelerate my schooling. I was a nerd before and would be a nerd again. Previously, however, I was a couch potato, and it showed. I was skinny and weak for many years, but as I grew older, I started putting on a couple of pounds a year like clockwork. For many years I was simply filling out to a normal size. Then I started getting fuller, becoming plump, chubby, a few pounds overweight, fluffy — fat. By the time I was in my late fifties I was a good fifty pounds too heavy. Clothing wouldn’t fit, my health went downhill, and it exacerbated the normal problems you get with aging.
I didn’t plan on being a jock, but I did plan to get in better shape and stay there. I also planned to learn some self defense techniques. Nobody knew better than me that the fight on the school bus was a real anomaly. I won by surprise and aggression, not by skill. One thing I damn sure wouldn’t do again was smoke. I had spent half my life smoking cigars and cigarettes, and it’s just not good for you. As much as I liked it, and don’t ever think smokers don’t enjoy it, it’s terrible for your health. After I quit I put on 30 pounds immediately, and was still healthier being fat than I was when I smoked.
I had no hopes of becoming a jock. I was always going to be too slim and wiry for that. I could, however, build up my stamina and some muscle. It was going to have to be a long term commitment. I knew enough about human nature to know that if I got in the habit now, it would be a lot easier to continue into the future. It’s incredibly easier to keep the weight off in the beginning than to try to lose it later on.
Life was simple. I decided to run around the block. I alternated jogging and walking for a half hour. I didn’t do much, maybe a mile and a half or two miles total, which isn’t much more than an average walking speed. I made a couple of laps around the block, which was big, and on the second I added another block in as well. I was sweating by the time I got back to the house and let myself in.
“What in the world are you doing?” asked my father. Normally he would have been off to work, but today he was reading the paper and drinking coffee.