“Where’s that?” I stepped close to him, and he wrapped me in a tight hug.
“My room.” His voice was a little sad despite all our fun.
We headed to his drab little house. It had a wreath on the door, but no lights around it. There was a tree inside decorated only with glass balls. There were no sentimental ornaments with school pictures of Jake or popsicle creations with too much glitter. It looked like a tree they had stolen from a dreary bank lobby.
Jake’s room was only minimally improved from when I’d first seen it. There were now pictures and drawings and notes taped or tacked neatly over most of the wall behind his bed. He had more stuff around too. There were framed photos of us, random items from our dating life. He had a pair of clean chopsticks from our first Chinese food date on his desk next to the piles of books on tape I’d been giving him for weeks. Some of my barrettes were scattered around along with a couple of bangles that I’d forgotten. He never wanted me to take them when I left, so I let them live on his desk and imagined him looking at them once in a while and thinking about me.
“Sit on my bed,” he instructed.
I sat cross-legged on his bed and smiled. He snapped the picture. “How does it look?”
“Perfect.”
That was the last thing he said for a long time.
He kissed and held me so gently it made me feel a little sad. He smelled my hair and nuzzled my neck and ran his hands over my face and my body softly, like I was delicate and would break if he was too rough. We reached and touched and rolled over one another, twining together like we would never see each other again.
He ran his finger over the gold posey ring. “Was it too much?”
“It was perfect. I’m sorry I got a little freaked out. It just felt…official.” I looked down at the shiny ring of gold on my finger.
“It will be official someday.” He tilted my face with his fingers and looked into my eyes. “Because I’m never letting you go.” He wrapped his arms around me and nestled his nose in my neck. “Never.” His voice was muffled by my skin.
I knew what he was saying. It was a sweet, lovey thing for a guy to say to the girl he loved. And I liked it. I really did. But I also had the sudden urge to yank the ring off of my finger.
Why?
“You’ll have to let me go sometimes.” I didn’t mean for my voice to sound as panicked as it did. I wriggled a tiny bit against his hold. “Like, what about when you go to college?”
“I don’t think there’s anything to worry about with that.” He unclamped his arms and flopped back on the bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.
“You’re going to college. You have to go to college.” It was a no-brainer for me. What else was there to do if you didn’t go to college? How would you learn what you needed to learn about life and yourself? What would you do if you didn’t go?
“I’ll be happy for you when you go.” He shrugged his shoulders like it didn’t matter to him whether he went or not.
I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest. “Jake, you have to go. Are you seriously thinking that you’re not going?” A little bubble of panic swelled in me and threatened to burst wide open.
He looked at me, his eyes a little sad, his mouth fixed in a set smile. “You have a lot of opportunities that other people don’t get, Bren. And that’s cool. That’s what I want for you. But that doesn’t mean everybody has all those advantages. I don’t, it’s alright, and I’m gonna be there for you when you need me. Okay?”
He meant it to be sweet. I knew he did, but it made me so furious, I felt like I’d swallowed something cloying and spicy. My skin burned and I couldn’t think straight all of a sudden. “No. Not okay. I know things are really good for me. I know that. But you can’t just give up on wanting more! There are people who can help you. You can take other classes. You can apply for loans. Don’t you want to see more? Don’t you want to experience things?” I looked at him, but his gray eyes were calm and serene.
He reached out and took my hand. “Being with you has made so much in my life better. I don’t need to do all the same stuff you do. I’m a simple guy, Bren. I know you need more than Sussex County, and I’d never stop you from doing what you have to. And if you need me, I’ll follow you. And if you’re doing your own thing, I’ll be here waiting. And I’ll be fine.”
I wanted to argue. I really wanted to argue badly. But I had a feeling my arguments would go right over his head. How could I explain wanting some intangible more to someone so content with what little he’d been given?
And then, just as quickly as it flared up, all of my anger melted away, and I decided to not go crazy about the whole issue of Jake’s future. Because he was destined for better; I was sure about that. It might take him longer to realize it, but he wouldn’t just stay in Sussex County forever. He’d start to realize there was more out there.
“Hey.” He pulled me down next to him. “What are you all worried for? I’m the one who should be worried. You’re jetting off to the most romantic city in the world, all hot and fine like you are. And I’m here chopping cut trees into firewood.” When he smiled at me, it was shaky with worry.
“All the more reason for you to brush up on your Italian for our big trip.” It wasn’t college, but it was travel, and he said he wanted it, so I knew it meant he dreamt about more than our current tiny life. Or did he want it because I wanted him to want it? I swallowed the lump that jumped up in my throat.
“Bren, promise me something,” Jake said when I was pinned under him.
“Okay,” I answered, nervous at what he might ask.
“Don’t fall in love with some slick French dude.” He rubbed my nose with his.
“I think French guys are really short.” I grabbed his shirt in both hands and pulled him back to me for a kiss, and I made it hard and hungry, to push away the doubts that swirled around in my head.
“I heard they’re ugly, too,” Jake said between kisses. “And weenies.”
“And smelly.” I arched my neck so he had better access. “And womanizers.”
Jake shook his head and buried his face in my hair. “Alright, now I’m relieved. I thought I might have something to worry about.”
“Never,” I promised. And at that minute, I meant it with my whole heart.
Finally, too soon, it was time for Jake to bring me home. He didn’t want to come in. He crushed me in his arms for a long time under the bright, clear stars. When he let me go, the cold was so jarring my teeth clattered.
“I love you, Brenna. Come home quick. Life is so damn boring without you.”
“I love you. I’ll be home before you know it.”
And then he was gone. I felt like the entire world dimmed, like it rotated more slowly on its axis because I wouldn’t see Jake for more days than I really wanted to count.
But there was Paris. Mom had already gone to bed when I got home, even though it was early. Mom had strong theories about jet lag, and she had devised a sleep system that made no sense to me.
I got ready for bed super early and turned in without bothering to call Jake. I wanted to, but it was too sad. I felt like I wanted to remember him leaving the way he had left. The next time I called him, I’d be in France and excited and have happy things to tell him. That would make being away from him a little more bearable.
Chapter Four
I slept really well, but then, I never really tossed or turned much. We had to be out of the house by two in the morning in order to be at the airport in enough time to make it through check-in and customs, and it all felt unreal.
Mom and I hugged and kissed Thorsten in the chilly, gray air outside the industrial, energetic airport. I loved the bustle and potential in an airport. It always made me feel connected to something bigger to melt into in the middle of all that movement and promise. We checked in and went to stand in the short customs line. Soon we were making our way to our terminal and preparing to sit on the hard-backed chairs for longer than necessary, since Mom had us checked in and ready way before we really needed to be.