I looked down at him and considered pushing him over and shutting the door in his face. “Because I don’t want to run around a city in the dead of night with some doofus?”
“You want to.” He rolled from the balls of his feet to his knees and grabbed at the edge of my shirt. “C’mon. You’ll love it.”
“I don’t know…” I glanced nervously at Mom’s door.
“We’ll leave a note. We’ll take our cell phones. I’ll buy you something to eat.” He grabbed my hand and pulled at me, begging shamelessly.
It made me laugh. It was so unlike the Saxon I knew back home, it didn’t even seem like it could be the same guy. And he was promising me food. How could I say no? “Okay. Let me write a note to Mom.” I was a little nervous, but Mom would understand. She and Thorsten had always encouraged me to go and explore on my own in Denmark. They felt like Europe was this really safe, fun place, so I tried to rationalize that they would wantme to go out with Saxon.
Alone. At night. In a city we didn’t know.
He stood close, and I closed my eyes against the tingly feeling of need that reverberated through me. Thoughts of kissing him went through my head again, no matter how hard I tried to push them away. He dipped his head so close, we might have kissed. I might have let him kiss me, but he was the one who pulled back.
“Grab a jacket.” He sounded completely relaxed, but his hand was clamped in a tight fist at his side.
My breath ripped in and out of my lungs too fast, and I felt the clash of guilt, desire, confusion, and worry echo in my brain. Part of me wanted to tell him that I’d changed my mind, but that would be like confessing that there was something wrong. It would mean facing the awful, strangling feelings that tangled through me, and I was all for denial instead.
“No problem.” I shrugged like my heart wasn’t a train wreck. “Let me grab one.” I groped through my clothes for longer than necessary, trying to get my equilibrium back.
We crept down the steps quietly, snuck out the door and were outside in the cold city air. My heart pounded in my chest as we walked away from the dorm. I grabbed Saxon’s arm without really thinking. He draped it over my shoulders casually, and we walked down the wide sidewalk with our bodies pressed close together. I knew what a mistake it was, knew it was pushing my already shaky limits, but something in me couldn’t stop it. I needed to prove to myself that I was in control of all of this.
Saxon was the kind of guy who never, ever looked like he was lost or late or rushed. He always gave off this impression that he was exactly where he wanted to be, when he wanted to be, because that was the only place on earth that held any appeal to him. We walked along the street and he was so confident, I followed him without a second thought. I didn’t even pay attention to signs and landmarks the way I usually would. If he didn’t know where he was going, he was doing such a good job of faking it that I didn’t question him.
He finally led me into a noisy, dimly lit cafй with so much thick smoke I could hardly breathe. He ushered me to a tiny table all the way in a corner and left to go to the counter. Saxon leaned over and the pretty girl behind the bar giggled and nodded, and when he pointed to our table and she nodded again.
He walked across the floor like he owned the place and sat too close to me. “I ordered you a bunch of stuff. I figure the way to your heart is definitely through your stomach.”
“Are you looking for a way to my heart?” I was surprised that he would be that emotional.
“That among other things.” His eyes roved over my body suggestively. “I think the heart might be a little overrated.”
“Maybe if you used yours once in a while, you’d develop more affection for it.”
“I’ve used it now and then. It seems like a lot more trouble than it’s worth.” He took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and packed them, a habit that always annoyed me. “Now there are a few other body parts that I’ve used with much more enjoyment.” He put a cigarette in his mouth, and I did not watch when he half-closed his eyes and lit it, even if it was disturbingly sexy. Or because it was.
“I’ve heard the rumors.” I rolled my eyes.
“You’re not interested at all to see if they’re true?” He took a deep drag and smiled through the smoke.
“Well, the rumor is that youalways get yours. As for your partner, I hear it‘s a little bit of a gamble,” I said boldly, even though I was quaking a little inside. I didn’t completely know where I was going with this, and it didn’t really work well with the idea of mutual friendship. Then again, I was turning Saxon down. That had to be a plus.
Saxon exhaled, rolled rings of smoke off of his tongue with ease and chuckled. “I guarantee you, I don’t leave my partners unsatisfied. I’m a sure thing, Brenna.” Leaned back, his shirt tight against the muscles of his chest and arms, his black eyes hungry, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, I didn’t doubt it at all. But I wasn’t about to let Saxon know that I felt his pull.
I crossed my legs and brushed my hair back over my shoulder. “I’ve got a sure thing, and I think the first sign of it is that he doesn’t advertise it all over.”
Saxon’s mouth hardened. “You don’t really have any idea what the hell you have,” he said a little meanly. He crushed his cigarette in the tray on the table, blotting it out with more force than was really necessary.
It was a sore spot for me. As far as anything sexual went, I was in way over my head when I compared myself to Jake and Saxon. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing; it just put me at a disadvantage when it came to any bragging rights or arguments. I could be shut down pretty easily just by referencing my lack of experience. It was irritating when Saxon did it because he was so cocky, and that arrogance made me see red.
“Well I know it’s not all blow jobs in public bathrooms and quickies in your car’s backseat, but there are some aspects that are really nice,” I said acidly. And then I was on my feet. “I’m not going to argue about this with you.”
Saxon grabbed my wrist in a flash of movement. “C’mon, I’m sorry. I was being a jackass. I know you and Jake are together, but you don’t have to rub it in my face.”
I shook my head. “Don’t do that. Youstarted this.” I jabbed a finger at his chest.
Saxon laughed. “Don’t get so serious. Jesus, it’s just a little flirting. Between pals. Come on, sit. I have crepes coming. You’re going to leave before you get your crepes?”
I did love crepes. I sat down heavily.
“You look pissed.” He leaned forward and studied me so sincerely, with such concern in his eyes, it was intoxicating. When Saxon paid attention, it was like having the strength of the entire sun shining directly on me. His mouth was so close to mine. I knew the taste of him, all smoke and guy and orange TicTac. For a moment, I leaned closer. Part of me wanted that taste again, and was tired of thinking about it. At the moment when I would have let it all go, stupidly forgotten Jake and his sweet pictures and his music mixes and his pure love for me, the waitress came over with steaming cups of coffee and crepes, pots of jellies and butter. I was narrowly saved by the delicious food of Paris.
I backed away from Saxon, my heart racing, and decided that I was going to ignore my momentary lapse in judgment. It was better if I forgot that I even had the urge to kiss him. I drew my breath in, enjoying the delicious aromas of the food in front of me.
I dug in, drinking the strong, sweet coffee and eating as if I hadn’t had a meal in weeks. Saxon leaned back and watched me, but I didn’t mind. If he wanted to look while I stuffed my face, that was his thing. I felt no need to pretty up my manners for him. He began to light another cigarette.
“Don’t.” I put my hand on his.
“Why?” he asked, his lighter in mid-air.
“I don’t want to breathe your smoke while I eat.” I pushed his hand back down. “It ruins the taste of the food.”