Minutes of shuffling later, and my door cracked open. I relaxed my muscles and kept my eyes closed.
My mother’s bare feet padded across the room, and stopped inches away from where Jake lay under my bed. I couldn’t hear a sound from him, but I was nervous he was holding his breath. What if he let it out in one long rush and my mother heard?
The mattress creaked under her weight as she sat on the side of it. It was pure, agonizing torture to keep my eyes closed and not sit up and just confess to end all of the nervous anxiety of the moment. I felt Mom’s hand smoothing my hair, then she leaned over and kissed my forehead.
She stayed less than a minute, then stood up and headed back out of my room, closing the door behind her quietly.
Jake stayed under the bed for a long time. Finally I had to call him out.
“Jake, are you still there?” I felt guilty. I had convinced him to come over. This would probably be the last time.
He spoke softly from under my bed. “I’m here, Bren.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” His voice was flat.
“I shouldn’t have convinced you to come.” I chewed on my lip nervously. Jake didn’t say anything. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I’m thinking that I’m so glad we weren’t sound asleep.” He pulled out from under the bed. He’d managed to get his clothes on, and he knelt on the side, not daring, I was sure, to climb back in next to me.
“You’re leaving now, aren’t you?” My voice had that wobble I despised.
“You can’t really want me to stay. What if Mom is having indigestion? She could be back every hour. Let me go. You get a good night’s sleep, and work on getting out for a few hours tomorrow. I’ll call out from Zinga’s so I’m ready if you need me.”
Jake never, ever called out from work. I knew he was offering me an olive branch so I didn’t flake out. And I knew it was completely ridiculous of me to even contemplate flaking out. He was right, he was reasonable, I was being selfish.
Maybe Mom had underestimated my capacity for selfishness.
“Okay, go.” But I wasn’t ready for him to leave, and I wasn’t happy he was going.
He pulled me close and kissed me, a long, thorough kiss that had only the barest hint of his desperation to be gone.
After a few more minutes of my pulling him to me and his pulling away, he vanished back into the goose-bump inducing black. I watched him run across the fields and back to his truck, somewhere in the dark, cold night, from my window. Now the bed would feel even larger and emptier. The night stretched longer and lonelier than it ever had before. I couldn’t help the tears that fell. The frigid air outside made me feel better, and soon I was cold and shivering. I got back under the covers and dreamed about Jake and Saxon, racing around the school track, me in a snow globe watching them, pounding on the thick, clear glass. I woke up with a start in the early dawn, then fell back into a restless sleep until long after sunrise.
Mom knocked lightly on my door. I was already awake, but not up. My first thought was that she knew what I had done last night, and she was coming to give me a long, long lecture. I felt panic sweep through me.
“Sweetheart? Did you get a chance to finish packing?” She waited outside my door, looking like part of her wanted to barge right in while another part of her thought staying out was a better idea.
It occurred to me that Mom was just unsure how much space and privacy to give me. “Come in, Mom.” I patted the bed, just like she would do for me. “I finished packing yesterday.”
“What did you pack for a jacket?” she quizzed.
“My blue wool trench coat.”
“Good. And for nights out?”
“I have the red silk from last night, with stockings and my black mohair sweater.” I stretched my arms over my head. “What coat are you bringing?”
“I thought my new plaid. The one with the orange in it.”
“Ooh, that one is so pretty.” I had definitely inherited my love of gorgeous clothes from my mother. “I love the lining. It’s too bad no one ever gets to see it.”
“You’re right. It does have that gorgeous Japanese floral and bird thing going on. Well, I’ll be sure to fold it inside out whenever I hold it.”
“And I’ll appreciate it every time I see it.” There was nothing like an amazing, hidden lining. “So, what’s on the itinerary for Paris?”
“The usual museums and churches, but we’ll have a lot of free time, down time. And the other professors will be bringing their families, so there will be kids your age.” She smiled. “A bunch of nerdy professors’ kids.”
I grinned. “Yeah right. You, a nerdy professor? Thorsten and I had to wait half an hour last time we came to pick you up. There were so many hot young guys drooling over you I could barely see you.”
Mom laughed, and I remembered how much I loved that sound all over again. A desperate need to see Jake crashed over me. I didn’t want to tear this moment apart, but I knew she and I would have lots of time together in the next few days. Just as I was about to open my mouth…
“Brenna, if you want to go out with Jake today, you should. You won’t see him for a while, and I’ll be busy getting everything in order here.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I looked at her face, but she didn’t meet my eyes. I could sense my mom’s intentions warring with her guilt. Instead of trying to figure it all out, I kissed her cheek and got up. “I’ll give him a call so we can go out early. What time is our flight?”
“Five in the morning. Bright and early.” She smiled apologetically.
Yuck. Our five in the morning was Paris’s eleven. If the plane flight took eight hours, we’d land right around seven at night, Paris time. “I’ll be ready,” I promised. Mom kissed my forehead and left me.
I got up and picked through my many watches. I selected my old pink leopard print watch and set it to Paris time. I liked to get myself thinking ahead so I didn’t get severe jet lag. Then I called Jake.
“Hey Bren.” His voice was adorably sleepy. “How is it in the Blixen house?”
“Getting ready for travel.” I twirled my watch on my wrist. “How about you and me spending the whole day together?”
“Your wish is my command.” He sounded much more awake.
“Do you need to go back to bed?” I didn’t want to dwell on the night before. It was just so far from what I had wanted. It wound up being rushed and guilt-filled and completely unromantic.
“Why are you always so obsessed with getting me into bed?” he teased. “I am not tired.”
I heard him get up out of bed, and, if I closed my eyes, I could picture it – his long, muscled body with only a pair of boxers hanging low on his hips, his hair cutely mussed, the phone at his ear, and, especially, that great smile with its chipped front tooth and twisted eye tooth. “I want to see you soon. How ready are you?” His voice was awake now.
“I’ll be ready in twenty minutes.” I hopped off the bed, ran to my closet, and pulled out an outfit.
“Good, because I’ll be there in twenty minutes, and I’m taking you captive as soon as I get there. Go get ready.”
We got off the phone and I got in the shower. I was as quick as I could be, but I felt like I had to shave, and I always felt like it was a waste of good conditioner if I didn’t leave it in for a full five minutes. It was just a theory of mine, but I didn’t think the possibility of frizzy hair was worth cutting conditioning time short, even if I was trying to rush it. When I got out, I dried my hair quickly and put makeup on as fast as I could. I threw on black knit leggings and this great bright blue tunic sweater. I pulled on a pair of high boots with fur on them. They seemed kind of silly, but I loved them at the same time. I slung a wide belt over my hips and took it off, then put it on again. I tied on my ‘B’ necklace and selected a pair of dangling silver earrings Thorsten got me in Sweden when we visited. Since Jake wasn’t there yet, I applied more eye makeup and slid on a headband that I took off right away. Just when I was feeling certifiably stir crazy, I heard Jake’s tires crunch on our gravel.