Maybe she should just tell him the truth. Hope he’d understand. But why would he? Why should he? No, he’d just toss her aside sooner rather than later and these last couple of days on the trail would turn into a nightmare-one that would continue back in New York after Nelson found out she’d spilled the beans. There’d be no more talk of bonuses, perks, or a promotion. Hell, she’d probably lose her job. Even if Nelson didn’t fire her, certainly her work environment would turn uncomfortable.
Bottom line was that regardless of what she did, at the end of this adventure, because of her actions, Brett was lost to her. And that harsh truth filled her with such an aching, profound sense of loss, she could barely catch her breath-in a way that had nothing to do with the thin air.
And on top of that sense of loss was her deep shame at her own actions. When, precisely, had she turned into the sort of person who would spy on someone else? Look through their belongings? Seek revenge, especially for a merely perceived wrong, and most especially without finding out all the facts?
She’d always prided herself on her integrity and sense of fair play, yet sometime during this past year, since she’d been promoted to director-and most recently during this past week-she’d become someone she didn’t like very much. Someone who was willing to do things she knew in her soul weren’t honorable, all in the name of furthering her career.
No, that wasn’t a person she liked at all. Not a person Brett would admire if he knew the truth. And he deserved better. Because he was, without a doubt, a decent, good man. A kind and honorable man. The sort of man a woman could envision herself sharing a future with.
A man she could have fallen in love with.
If her actions hadn’t doomed them from the start.
Could have fallen? her inner voice asked with a derisive snort. Don’t you mean have fallen in love with?
She rubbed her temple in a vain attempt to stave off the headache the torturous question threatened. Had she fallen in love? God help her, she was so confused she didn’t know what she felt anymore, but she greatly feared she had. How foolish could she possibly be?
She barely resisted the urge to thump herself on the head. She’d suffered through this extreme trek with the hopes of regaining some balance in her life, but instead, because of her actions, the fact that she’d fallen for a man she couldn’t have, and the added bonus that her conscience was eating her alive, she felt more out of balance now than she ever had before.
And, to add insult to injury, they’d barely begun today’s nine and half miles and already every muscle protested. And her hair looked like a rat’s nest. And her nose was sunburned. And her back itched. And damn it, she had to pee.
The day was not off to a good start.
An hour later, after viewing the small, circular ruins at Runkuracay, which were thought to be a way post for couriers and stabling facilities for their animals, they continued their strenuous climb toward the top of the second pass, Abra de Runkuracay, then began the steep descent into the valley which contained a shallow, picturesque lake. They enjoyed a light snack, for which the group was especially grateful as the descent had been particularly hard on their tired knees.
When they started off again, Paolo said, “Here the trail changes from dirt path to a narrow stone roadway, which is the original work of the Incas, and the start of the true Inca Trail.”
Even though her soul remained troubled, Kayla couldn’t deny the sense of wonder that infused her as they walked along the ancient Incas’ path. The scenery was particularly breathtaking, with vistas of the mountains and valley below.
While the hike was not as brutally grueling as the previous day’s, it was still exhausting, and Kayla was grateful for the numerous stops to view ruins along the way. They climbed, then descended to the Inca ruins at Sayacmarca-which translated to Town in a Steep Place, a perfect name as far as she was concerned.
Then, more climbing and descending, passing magnificent flora-orchids, tree ferns and hanging mosses-to Phuyupatamarca, or Town in the Clouds, which everyone agreed was the most impressive site so far. The only way to access it was to navigate a steep flight of stone stairs. Leaving the ruins involved a plummeting descent down a flight of over two thousand stone steps. When they reached the bottom, she said to the group, “I’m ready to call in an orthopedic surgeon for an estimate on knee replacement.”
Everyone laughingly agreed. “Can’t,” Paolo said with his bright smile. “No cell service.”
She shot him “the look.” “Thanks for that reminder.”
Her guilt increased throughout the day because of Brett’s thoughtful solicitousness. He chatted with her, held her hand, helped her down those stairs from hell, each gesture making her feel like a bigger rat. Unable to stand the self-reproach, on the pretext of asking Paolo a question, she moved to the front of the line, away from Brett, then remained there-but only hated herself even more for the dishonesty of the ploy.
After a hearty lunch of cured ham, mountain cheese and dried fruit, during which she made a point of conversing with the other hikers, they continued for several more hours, walking through ethereal cloudforest until they arrived at Huinay Huayna, named for the gorgeous perpetually blooming pink orchid of the same name. Paolo then announced he had a surprise for them, and led them a short way back along the trail to a tin-roofed building.
It wasn’t the most attractive of places, ramshackle and jarringly out of place amongst all the pristine beauty, but when Paolo announced that hot showers and toilets were available inside, a collective cheer went up.
“A bathroom, Brett,” she said to him, her voice filled with a piteous awe she couldn’t control. “An actual bathroom. With a shower. And hot water. Oh, glorious day!”
He cast a dubious look at the rundown building. “I’m thinking it’s not going to be like the Ritz Carlton.”
“I don’t care. I’ve never been so glad to hear the words bathroom and shower in my entire life.”
“Glad you’re happy. Especially since you’ve seemed sort of…not happy all day.” His gaze searched hers. “Is everything okay?”
No. “Yes.” At this point, what was one more lie?
He lightly grasped her arm, then led her several steps away from the others. When he looked at her again, there was no mistaking the mixture of concern and confusion in his eyes. “Kayla…did I say something, do something, to upset you?”
She immediately shook her head, then reached out and placed her hand against his whisker-roughened cheek. “No. You’ve been…perfect.”
“But something’s wrong. Can I help?”
She briefly squeezed her eyes shut. Yes. Stop being so nice to me. So wonderful. So generous. So understanding. I’m not the honest person you think I am.
When she opened her eyes, she drew a deep breath, then said, “Thank you, but as much as I appreciate the offer, I need to work it out on my own.” She offered him a weak smile. “I guess all this exposure to nature and peace and quiet has forced me to do some serious self-evaluation, and I’ve discovered, much to my chagrin, that I’ve come up short in a few areas.”
Comprehension dawned in his eyes. “I’d lay odds that everyone here is in the same boat, myself included. A trip like this offers the time and setting conducive to reflection, which is exactly the change that’s needed to gain balance back in our lives.” He raised her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “If it’s any consolation, I think you’re terrific.”
To her utter mortification, hot tears pushed behind her eyes. “Thank you. And I think you’re…extraordinary.” And, God, I’m going to miss you so much.