"No," I said to myself, almost poutingly, "I am free!"
Then something within me, frightening me, seemed to laugh, derisively. "You are a slave, Tiffany," it said. "You know you are a slave. You have known it, in one way or another, in your heart, for years."
"No!" I said to myself. "No!" "But, yes, Slave," said the voice within me, insistently, derisively, mocking me. "No!" I said. "Yes," it whispered. "Yes, yes."
I wondered if I was a slave. The thought thrilled me, and terrified me.
Why had Drusus Rencitis not freed me from the bracelets!
We were not now in the house of Kliomenes!
"I will release you in the room," he had said.
Why would he not release me now? Why could he not be of help to me? Could he not see how I was fighting myself!
I wondered if she who was helpless in his bracelets was a slave.
Oddly enough I had felt most a slave, most dominated, ill the house of Kliomenes when, in the office of Publius, the men had talked, and I had knelt alone and to one side, my head down, in the light, neglected, braceleted, waiting for the men, the masters, "to finish.
I hurried along in the alley behind Drusus Rencius.
I tried to fight the emotions flsin'g in me, welling up, irresistibly, from my very depths. I was confused and torn. In me conditioning warred with nature. Men were the masters. Did they not know that? Why did they not enforce their power', their will on us? Could they not see what we wanted, what we needed? Were they so inattentive and insensitive? Were they so stupid, so blind? Could they not see that I, in order to attain my perfection, needed the weight of a chain, the tas~ St of a whip? Could they not see that I could not be perfect until my will was taken from me, and I must serve will-lesslyl Could "they not see that this was what I wanted? I was not man. I was a woman! I wanted to surrender to nature, but feared, mightily, to do so. I sensed what a woman might become if she surrendered to nature. I scarcely dared think i~ an let alone speak it, How categorical, how fearful, how absolute and such a thing would be! Yet I longed for it. I wished a man would throw me to my belly and lock a collar on my throat.
I wished to lie trembling at his feet, in the shadow of his Whip, knowing that thenceforth, whether I wished it or not, I existed for love, passion and service.
"Leading position," said Drusus Rencius. I swiftly put my head down and felt his fingers lock themselves deeply in my hair. I turned my head and pressed my lips suddenly, helplessly, to his thigh, kissing him. He twisted my head cruelly to the side, holding it there, turned, so that my lips could not touch him. My eyes brimmed with tears, not only from the pain, but more so, from the fact that I had been rejected.
We had then passed the stranger, approaching, in the alley.
Drusus Rencius released my hair, and I straightened up, continuing to follow him.
We were almost at tile back entrance of the inn of Lysia I had been rejected!
How furious I was at the girl who had so helplessly kissed the leg of Drusus Rencius. How she had humiliated and embarrassed me, the shameless tart! I hated and despised he~ Where had she come from? Who was she? Surely she could We were then at the back entrance of the inn of Lysias.
"Kneel here," said Drusus Rencius, indicating a place near back entrance, near some garbage cans.
I knelt, immediately, obediently.
He entered the inn. He would see if anyone was about, or we might, unobserved, make our way up tile back stairs to room.
I moaned softly, with need.
I knelt near tile back entrance of the inn, near the garbage bins. I pulled weakly against the bracelets.
I looked up, suddenly, startled. A man was standing there, king at me. He had come, apparently, from down the al- I put down my head, swiftly, so swiftly that it almost startled me, showing submission. I had seen his eyes. I was visibly frightened.
Then back door of the inn opened and Drusus, to my relief, emerged.
"She is not out for use?" asked the man.
"No," said Drusus. "Sorry." He then snapped his fingers I leaped up and, at a gesture, preceded him into the inn, up tile rear stairs. I was trembling. I was sure that in another moment or two I, utterly helpless, might have been seized and penetrated Mli the alley.
In a moment, then, we were again in the room, and Drusus had locked the door behind us.
I leaned back against the door, my head back, breathing deeply. "He thought you had been put out for raping," said Drusus, chuckling to himself.
I looked at him.
"Did you enjoy the house of Kliomenesr" asked Drusus.
How absurd to me seemed the lightness, the casual cast, of his question. The experience had been an incredibly meaningful one for me. Scarcely never before, I think, had I been so in touch with my femaleness. It was hard to conceive of aow one could be more in touch with one's femaleness, unless, of course, one were oneself a slave.
Drusus Rencius looked at me. Then I went to where he stood, and knelt down before him.
He looked down at me, angrily, startled. "What are you doing?" he asked. "Kneeling down before you," I said, "helpless, braceleted,' as a woman before a man."
His fists were clenched.
"If you want me," I said, "have me."
"Get up!" he cried. Then he seized me by the upper arms and pulled me to my feet. He held me before him.
"Taste the slave in me," I begged.
He looked down into my eyes, fiercely. His grip on- my arms, holding me absolutely helplessly, was like iron.
"Oh, would that you were a slave," he whispered, intensely.
"Would that you were a slave!"
He then, lifting me from my feet as though I might have been no more than a doll, suddenly, violently, with a cry of rage, flung me from him, yards from him, to the surface of the bed. On the bed I scrambled to my knees. The wall was at my back.
There were sounds from outside the window, cries in the street.
Drusus Rencius went to the window, listening. "Corcyrus," he said, "has seized the mines of Argentum. has begun."
"What has begun?" I asked, frightened.
"War," said Drusus Rencius.
"I will return you to the palace, immediately," be said. He I looked at him, frightened. indicated that I should lie on my belly on the bed before him. I did so and, lying on the bed, my head turned to the side, sunk partly in its softness, felt the bracelets removed from me.
I rose from the bed, pulling down the edges of the brief, one-piece garment I wore. Drusus Rencius returned the slave bracelets to his pouch. "My garments, please," I said. I would have him serve me. He handed me my garments. I retired behind the screen and, in a few moments, re-emerged.
"Lady Sheila will require a new guard," he said.
"No," I said. "I will not."
He looked at me, surprised.
"You are not relieved of your duties," I said. "You are still my guard, and will continue to serve me as such."
"Lady Sheila well knows how to torture a man," he said.
"Yes," I said. "I do."
He regarded me, bitterly.
"Return me now to the palace" I said.
"Yes, Tatrix," he said.
9 I Determine to Take Cognizance in the City
I stood by the barred window in my quarters, looking out. I could see portions of the courtyard below, sections of the inner walls and the first of the two gates leading to the outside. I could also see, back from the walls, a portion of the square outside the gates. Most of the crowd outside the gates I could not see. I could see some men and women moving across the square, presumably to join it. It was the second rach crowd in the past week. I saw some men, across the square, perhaps seeing someone in my window, stop, and shake their fists. I moved away from the window.