However, I promise that when I return to Bangkok I will not be as I was before I left. Being here alone I have had a chance to think everything over. At night under the beautiful moon I sit by the sea and calm my spirit. I reflect on my life since childhood. I have suffered before, but have always recovered and surely this time it will also pass. Thinking this way makes me feel better.’
A subsequent letter again saw her attempting to comprehend her husband’s changed feelings.
‘Dearest Lek
Yesterday I wrote you a long letter and today I want to add some things that I forgot to say. I feel that if we can’t come to an understanding, we may no longer be able to live together. I would come home in an unstable state and we would be together like two people living in hell. I beg you to listen to me one more time. You write that you cannot give her up. I agree but not because it would be unfair to her, but in order to protect both your good names, in order to stop all the gossiping and above all for the sake of your happiness. I understand that if you can’t meet her, you will suffer greatly. That’s why yesterday I begged you to ask her to the house, to take her to the cinema with us and go riding together. As I also said I will be kind to her and today I reiterate that I will behave well towards her.
I think that when you say that she has done nothing wrong, you are exaggerating somewhat. Everyone has said that she was encouraging you. Some people have even said that she seduced you and if she behaved in front of me as if she was your wife, then of course that is very wrong. But let’s not dwell on this matter. You say that you want to be yourself but over the past 12 years, have I made you feel so uncomfortable? It is true that I have tortured you over this last few months, but you must understand how I feel. In the past we were truly one, sharing all our thoughts and feelings together. Of course, I am heartbroken to learn that you want to live in a different way, but I have never stopped you doing anything, because I have no right to stop you. But I do ask you one thing – for some compassion. Think of me as a sick person whose only medicine is you. I will try to ensure that your life is calm and happy. I won’t make a scene any more when you say you want to work or read the newspaper. I will not beg you to leave your work to come and have lunch or tea with me. All I ask is for you to be true and faithful to me as you were in past. After we had talked and you decided to continue seeing her, you saw how your decision destroyed me. How could I act as normal when I realised that you attached no importance to our happiness and that of our son, as well as my health, all so that she could have a good time. The rumours have increased and what will Prince Rajburi say when he hears that you have gone to her house because she can’t come to ours. By visiting her in this way you have encouraged the view that you want to leave me. I can’t bear it and will leave with no money at all if you don’t wish to give me any. It would be much better for me to go and work anywhere, rather than endure such a life with you carrying on in this fashion. You want to try and make me seem jealous by not allowing her to come to the house.
Lek, you haven’t thought things through carefully enough. If you had, you would never have suggested such a course of action. And, as I wrote yesterday, I must repeat, if I stay with you I will love you and help you as before on one condition. You must promise me that you won’t conduct a secret affair. If you have to hide something from me, there must be a reason. Your argument that it is to protect me and stop me getting upset, does not seem logical to me. Such secrecy is like a poison and I can’t support it for very long. That she didn’t like coming to our house when I was there for the first time, I can understand. But what about me? And Lek, how did you feel? Why do you only think of her? Can it be possible that all you think of is her happiness?
Lek, you are really torturing me with this. If you have fun with her, then keep her as a friend and let her come to the house. Secret visits between you will kill me. The chauffeurs will talk and if you forbid them it will only make things worse.
I don’t understand why you want me to stay with you. You have never said that if I left you would suffer. You say you don’t want a divorce but you don’t say why not. Do you still love me as you did before I went away? Before we make any decisions, which affect not only us two but also our son, we must agree on certain matters. You write that you want your freedom in a way that won’t destroy my peace of mind. But you might as well know that your new plan will certainly destroy me. You must make up your own mind. If you will suffer when I have gone and will regret your decision, then think carefully about all that I have said. But if on the other hand, you will feel happy that you have made the right decision, then so be it.
I will not come home before receiving an answer from you. Everything depends on whether you can accept my conditions or not. I do not object to your being friends, but I do object to a secret liaison and I cannot remain here any longer.
Have you ever concealed anyone’s visits before? No. Or if you have ever disliked anything I have done, why did you not say so?
You always think that I am going to be angry. Is my behaviour so difficult?
If you agree to live as I have suggested, then answer me. If not, what shall we do?
To part would be better than torturing each other. Is such a life worth living? If we do divorce I can promise that I won’t embarrass you. Your reputation will not suffer at my hands. You can rest assured on that point. I have my pride. It’s not your fault that you’re bored with me. If you can’t make up your own mind we can go and see Prince Svasti and maybe he can help us come to an understanding if we can no longer work things out between us.
I am staying at the old white house with the maids. The main house makes me feel sad because I decorated it so lovingly and now I feel that I am about to leave it for ever.
I still love you.
From Dusya, whom you don’t understand or don’t wish to understand.’
Chakrabongse’s reply no longer exists. The visit of Vanya came and went but nothing could reconcile the feelings of these two strong-willed, determined people. Then in June, to Chula’s astonishment, his mother moved into the so-called Guest House at Paruskavan ‘because she was unwell’. Yet when he saw her there, she was not in bed or attended by their doctor, and he noticed almost unconsciously that she had brought with her none of her favourite ornaments, cushions and photos with which she liked to surround herself, but only her icon, so that her rooms had an oddly temporary air. One day she gave him a beautiful box of Russian crackers, printed with a captivating picture of the little Tsarevitch wearing a fur cap. As she looked at it she suddenly sobbed, ‘Russia is no more!’, and while he felt for her, Chula’s heart lightened as he eagerly seized the chance to think it was the Revolution that distressed her and not anything personal and nearer home.
Rising early a few days later, he was wandering aimlessly in the garden where the paths were being raked and the lawns watered, lending a scent of freshness to the already hot June morning, when he saw his mother’s dog, the German Shepherd L’Or, looking dejected and purposeless. This surprised him as at this time of day, L’Or was usually wherever his mistress was. He turned and followed the dog, who made disconsolately for the Guest House, where they entered his mother’s sitting-room. There, all was neat and orderly and, as he had noted previously, impersonal. The whole place was quiet and he imagined she still slept; something however was missing, he could not at first think what. But as he turned to go it struck him – the icon with its flickering lamp was there no longer.