Her hands wrap around my neck. “That’s horrible, Bri. Why is she like that?”
I lower my eyes to the floor. I don’t talk about this stuff with anyone. Jules, isn’t just anyone though. I know that I can trust her and she is the only person who I have ever wanted to open up to. “It’s better to be invisible, than to be the target for a sadistic asshole on a daily basis.” I hear her gasp but I don’t look up at her. If I do I’ll lose my nerve. “Aunt Jenny took me in when my parents died in a house fire. The firefighters were able to pull me out in time but they didn’t make it. I didn’t take their death too hard considering my father beat the shit out of me on a daily basis and my mother was way to strung out to care.”
Her fingers trace one of the scars on my back. “These scars aren’t from learning how to skateboard?”
I shake my head no. “I told you that so that you didn’t ask any questions.”
Her hand strokes my cheek and I look up into her eyes. She’s looking at me like no one has before, with love. “Tell me.”
I grab her hips pulling her so she’s now sitting on my lap. I need to be close to her, to be able to touch her. “My father was a monster. He would find any excuse to get mad. Most times it was just a smack across the face that sent me flying into a wall. When he would get really mad he would pick up any object close to him, a belt, a bat, a chair. That fire as devastating as it was at the time, was my salvation.” A tear falls from her eye and I kiss her cheek catching it before it can fall off her face. “As a kid I didn’t have a family, I didn’t have love. I had power, vengeance, and pain.” I take a deep breath trying to gain the courage to tell her how I feel. “I love you, Jules. And it scares the shit out of me to say that because that gives you the power that no one else has ever had over me. The power to completely destroy me.”
Her lips softly press against mine, before she pulls away to look at me again. “I love you too, Brian.” My mouth crashes against hers needing to be connected to her. She pulls away before I’m ready to let her go. Her hand runs through my hair ending at the nape of my neck. “I want to be with you, Bri, in every sense of the word. I want to be connected to you in every possible way. I want you to be my first.”
“Jules, you don’t—“
She places her finger over my lips. “Don’t argue with me. I know what I want. I want you Brian Evans, now and forever.”
My head is so fucked up right now. As much as it kills me I need to leave Jules alone. She made her choice all those years ago and it wasn’t me.
I finally need to accept that.
Chapter Ten
Julia
I wake up in the morning to the sun shining through the small opening in the curtains. All I can hope is that today will be easier than yesterday. After we ran into Brian at the pool I didn’t see him the rest of the day, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I hate how easy it is for him to bounce from girl to girl. I hate how he rubs them in my face. I hate that I care what he does.
Dan and I have an excursion planned today and I’m really excited for it. Not only do we get to go snorkeling, but I get to escape the resort. Brian used to be the person I went to for comfort and for safety. Now since he has been back my anxiety has been at an all-time high, and I’m constantly stressed out. Dan’s arms snake around my waist and I smile.
“Hey, baby, you ready to go today?”
I turn in his arms and place a kiss on his lips. “I can’t wait.”
We both get up and put on our bathing suits. I’ve haven’t been away from home in such a long time and I can’t wait to get out and do something new and exciting. We even bought an underwater camera because we had planned this. I grab it before following Dan out of the door almost bouncing from the excitement.
The boat taking us out to shore is called a glass bottom boat, for obvious reasons. I look around expecting to see Brian because that would be my luck, but I don’t. I breathe a sigh of relief as I step onto the boat. We need this time together, uninterrupted, and peaceful. I know that Brian’s presence has definitely started to affect our marriage, and that is not something I want.
As much as I have this undeniable pull to Brian, I love Dan. He saved me from myself, from my mind. He has been with me, by my side, supporting me for years. When I wanted to start my shop I wanted to do it without any of my parent’s money. They had set up a trust fund for me but I refused to touch it. I honestly don’t even know what is in it. I took out a bank loan, and worked my ass off for four months before I finally started to make any real money. Dan supported me financially and emotionally through my entire journey and that was something that I could never forget. We have been friends since grade school, and when we decided to take the plunge into a relationship everything seemed to fit so easily.
“Babe, look.” I shake myself out of my daze and look at the ground where Dan is pointing. You can see straight down to the bottom of the ocean floor. Fish are zipping past us and a rainbow of coral lines the ground. It’s so beautiful that it makes me forget everything that I’ve stressing out about. Dan wraps his arm around me and pulls me against him. I lay my head on his chest enjoying being here with him.
When the boat comes to a stop, I look around and all I can see is ocean. The crew passes out life vests and our snorkel equipment, giving us instructions on the do’s and dont’s. Everyone starts to jump off the back of the boat and since we were at the front of the boat we are last in line. When it’s our turn¸ Dan jumps in and surfaces calling out to me. I look around trying to calm the anxious feelings racing through my body. Just close your eyes and jump.
I land in the water only a foot or two away from Dan. My legs flail widely under me trying to keep myself afloat, even though I have the life vest on. I look around me and all I can think about are bad scenarios. Are there sharks around here? What if I drift away from the boat? Do any of these fish bite? What if something happens to Dan?
I start to panic and swim back to the boat, my breathing is fast and heavy like no matter what I do I can’t get enough oxygen. When I feel something touch me I scream and start to kick.
“Hey, it’s just me.” I hear Dan’s voice in my ear.
“I need to get back to the boat! I can’t breathe! I need—“
His arms encircle me and he places a kiss on my lips. “Calm down. You’re fine. You’re safe. Nothing is going to happen to you, I wouldn’t let it.”
I look at him but can barely focus. My gaze is darting back and forth, side to side, trying to detect any potential threats around me. His hands grasp the sides of my face making me focus on him. “Look at me. There is nothing out here that will hurt you. Calm down, slow even breaths.”
I wrap my arms around his neck finding comfort in his embrace. My breathing starts to even out and I can feel the anxiety slowly seeping out of me.
“Now let’s have a little fun, okay?”
I nod my head, still cautious of moving too far away from the boat. Dan hands me the camera and before I can say anything he dives under the water. I take a deep breath before putting camera up to my goggles and looking under the water for him. He is directly beneath me striking poses like a fashion model and I smile before snapping a few pictures.
When he comes back up we laugh and the rest of the time we take turns with the camera. I’m not as adventurous as he is only going under for a few seconds and still constantly scanning the area around us.
We hear them calling for us to return to the boat, and start to swim back. Once we are sitting back down I throw my arms around him and press my lips against his.