“You’re a life saver.”
“I know, now let’s talk about the cluster fuck your life has turned into.” I laugh. Lacey has never had a knack for subtlety. “What are you feeling?”
“That’s just it, Lace. I have no idea how I’m feeling about Brian. Do I love him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I wish we would have figured this shit out years ago? Yes.” She rips open the bag of Doritos and looks back up at me like I’m a damn soap opera she is caught up in. “Then there’s the other side. Can I just forget that I ever loved Dan because he did a fucked up thing? No. Can I forget the hell I went through after Brian? No. Can I just throw all my inhibitions out the window and jump into something with him? No.” I look over at Lacey and she is still eating the damn chips and watching me. I’m really starting to feel like a freak show attraction. “Can you say something?”
She shakes her head and starts to laugh. “Girl, you need to go on Dr. Phil, ‘cause this shit is fucking unreal. I mean this is made for TV shit right here.”
“You’re not helping.” I snatch the bag of chips from her laughing at the expression on her face.
“Listen, babe, I can’t tell you what to do. I know that’s what you’re looking for, but only you can know what’s right for you. I know you can’t forget all of the shit that happened that summer, and the way you felt but it has to help to know none of it was real. Right?”
“See that’s just it. It is real. It was hell. It might not have been Brian’s fault, but the pain is all the same. I know what it feels like to lose him. Say I decide to be with him, then it doesn’t work, I couldn’t do that shit again.”
“I know, I was there. I’m just saying maybe you need to think about it, babe. You always said how much you loved him, you have obviously been drawn to him since he’s gotten back. Maybe it was meant to be.”
That’s the last thing I need to hear right now. I don’t need Lacey to push me toward him, I need someone to slap the shit out of me and tell me that I’m a damn idiot for even considering taking him back. That’s what my head is telling me. It wants me to move away to Timbuktu just to keep myself from going back to him. My heart is a whole different story. It wants me to run across the street and tell him how much I still love him. How much I have missed him. How at night I still dream about him.
“I can’t think like that. I can’t let myself think that things will be great between us. Do you remember how much we used to fight?”
“I remember that no fight could compare with how well that man made up after.” She winks at me and I throw the pillow next to me at her.
“You are so not helping.”
“Hey, you never said I needed to come over to help, you just sent an SOS so I brought candy and wine.”
I shake my head at her. Since we were kids that’s always been our code. SOS meant that shit hit the fan and we needed some cheering up. It evolved into wine in college. In fifth grade, Lacey sent her first SOS when the boy Billy that she liked put dirt in her hair at recess. I came to her house with a box of fruit snacks and we watched a Saved By The Bell marathon so she could obsess over Zack Morris instead of Billy Scott.
“I’m scared.” It’s all I say. It’s the truth.
“Of what?”
The smile leaves her face as she sits up straighter sensing the change in my demeanor. “Of him. Of us. Of being in love with him again.”
“Aw, babe, maybe you won’t even like him once you get together again. Maybe when he was deployed his dick got shot off, at that point he is useless anyway and the appeal is gone.”
My mouth drops open. “You did not just say that.” I break out in laughter barely able to breathe.
Lacey pats me on the back before standing up. “You need wine.” She heads into the kitchen while I’m still trying to catch my breath. I’ll worry about Brian tomorrow, tonight I need to drown my sorrows with my best friend.
***
Lacey empties the last of the wine into my cup as we scroll through old pictures of the two of us.
“Oh my God!” she screeches. “How do you have a picture of that?” On the screen is a picture of Lacey passed out on her desk during our first period junior year of high school.
“I snapped it when Miss Smith was calling the disciplinarian. Everyone seriously thought you were a drug addict that day.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault! They should label the packages better!”
“Lacey the bottle said Tylenol PM!”
She laughs. “I though PM meant premenstrual and I had serious cramps. How the hell would I have known it was basically a sleeping pill?”
“Um, because it had a picture of a person sleeping on the box!”
She waves me off. “I just thought it meant you finally fucking sleep ‘cause you didn’t have cramps anymore.”
We both break into hysterics. Lacey and I have gotten into some crazy situations, but that day was insane. I had to walk her to the disciplinarian and by walk I mean half carry her. It took Miss Avery almost an hour to get the story from her because she kept falling asleep while she was talking to her. When she realized what Lacey had done she sent her to the nurse’s office to sleep it off and I went back to pick her up at dismissal. She would rather the kids have thought she took drugs then call her stupid so she never told them the truth. Only the two of us knew why she really slept the whole day.
A horn honks outside and my mood drops. Lacey called a cab about twenty minutes ago because there is no way she could drive home. “Well, lady, I love you hard.” She gives me a hug and I wish that she didn’t have to leave. “Morning meetings are the damn devil.”
“Bye, Lace, thanks for tonight.”
“SOS is my favorite kind of text.” She winks at me before she leaves.
I look around hating being alone in this house. I’ve considered selling it and just getting an apartment. I don’t need all this space and every inch of this house is filled with a memory I no longer want to remember.
I look across the street to see Brian’s light on. I wonder what he is doing. Is he thinking about me? Does he know how much I wish we could rewind time? I shake my head thinking about all the years and the pain wasted. Before I know what I’m doing I walk across the street. When I get to the door I don’t knock. What would I say? What is there to say?
“Hey, sorry I thought you were an asshole for eight years?” Nope. “Hey, sorry I married the guy that broke us both?” Nope. “Hey, sorry I—“
“Jules?”
I look up and see Brian standing there. Busted. Now what? Say something! Anything! Make words come out of your mouth! I stare back at him lost in my thoughts. He’s gonna think you’re crazy. Only crazy people talk to themselves you know.
“Are you okay?”
Now he definitely thinks you’re crazy. Speak bitch! “Hi.” Real fucking articulate.
“Hi.” He looks at me expecting more.
“So I’m gonna go.” I turn to walk, or more like run away. Before I know it I’m flying through the air and land on the cement face first. What the fuck!
“Jules!” Brian is next to me helping me to my feet. “Shit, you’re bleeding.”
Brian takes me inside as I giggle to myself. The bottle of wine combined with my lack of balance is really comical. I sit on his couch and look around. Besides the TV, it is the only thing in the room. Even though he has been here for months it looks like he just moved in.
“Why is your house so empty?” He walks back in and gives me a confused look. “I mean there aren’t any decorations or anything. You’re a guy, I figured it would be like a man cave with sports shit everywhere.”
“Have you been drinking?” He looks at me as he wipes the cut I apparently acquired on my forehead.
“Yes, daddy, an entire bottle of wine.” As soon as the sentence leaves my mouth I blush.
“Just so we are clear, I don’t find you calling me daddy annoying, in fact it’s pretty fucking hot.”