* MAC-10 or Uzi (5 pts.)
* Medium-range artillery (10 pts.)
3. A safe neighborhood means less stress. If you could see over the eight-foot wall around your neighbor's house, you'd discover that he is:
* A run-of-the-mill drug smuggler (1 pt.)
* An exiled dictator (5 pts.)
* An international arms merchant (10 pts.)
4. How many times have you been taken hostage by a deranged lunatic who was not a member of your immediate family?
* Only once or twice (1 pt.)
* Three or more times (5 pts.)
* I am currently a hostage (10 pts.)
5. The last time a pipe bomb went off in your neighborhood, how long did it take the police to respond?
* Less than 12 minutes (1 pt.)
* Less than 12 hours (5 pts.)
* I'm still waiting and the damn Cadillac has burned to the rims (10 pts.)
6. Water quality is vital to the quality of life. When you turn on the faucet, what do you see?
* A clear fresh liquid (1 pt.)
* A liquid of some sort (5 pts.)
* The bouillabaisse scene from The Exorcist (10 pts.)
7. Recreation is one way to relieve stress. What do folks in your neighborhood do in their spare time?
* Sacrifice live goats to the gods (1 pt.)
* Work in a clandestine coke lab (5 pts.)
* Train at a secret Everglades camp for the invasion of Nicaragua (10 pts.)
8. What happened the last time you went to the beach?
* A college kid got sick all over my sandals (1 pt.)
* I tripped on a bale of grass and broke my ankle (5 pts.)
* I got picked up by the Border Patrol (10 pts.)
9. Culture is important to sophisticated urban dwellers. What was the last major cultural event you attended?
* The taping of ABC's "Battle of the Network Stars" (1 pt.)
* A dinner-theater production starring Bert Convy (5 pts.)
* Charo live at the Eden Roc (10 pts.)
10. A summer vacation is one way to beat South Florida stress. Where did you spend yours?
* Disney World (1 pt.)
* A military dungeon in Cartagena (5 pts.)
* The median strip of I-95 (10 pts.)
Etiquette at a crime scene: What to wear, how to act
June 20, 1986
Shoppers at a West Kendall plaza got a special treat this week when a pair of bullet-riddled corpses were found in the trunk of a Lincoln parked in the lot.
Hundreds of spectators gathered in a festive atmosphere around the scene, many waiting up to six hours for the bodies to be extricated. Some onlookers drank lemonade while others took pictures and watched the death sedan through binoculars. A few even belly-crawled under parked cars to gain a closer vantage.
As the crowd grew, traffic actually backed up on Kendall Drive. "It was a nice day, they didn't have anything else to do, I guess," says Dr. Jay Barnhart, the medical examiner sent to the scene.
Look on the bright side. The fact that a routine trunk murder still draws an audience in Dade County proves we're not so desensitized to crime after all. If folks are so hungry for entertainment, maybe pro basketball really does have a chance down here.
Of course it's one thing to gather out of idle curiosity at a gruesome homicide, and quite another to make it a block party. As at all social occasions, there must be rules of etiquette.
Unfortunately the new maven of decorum, Miss Manners, has written virtually nothing about what is proper behavior at a crime scene. Such a guide is overdue in South Florida, where each day seems to offer a new Grisly Discovery.
Q. What should I wear?
A. Always pick out something that won't clash with the yellow police cordons; pastel greens and blues are nice. A sunbonnet can be fashionable, too. And choose sensible footwear—shoes with reinforced toes, so you can stretch and gawk.
Q. Where should I stand?
A. Upwind, always. Be considerate to fellow spectators. If somebody yells, "Down in front!" then sit down. Bring a lawn chair, or one of those portable stools you rent at golf tournaments. And stay off the fenders of the squad cars.
Q. Is it OK to bring the kids?
A. At burglaries, auto thefts, shopliftings—what the heck, unpack those strollers and give the little tykes a thrill! However, parental discretion is advised for most first-degree felony scenes.
Q. What about some helpful photo tips?
A. You'll want to use slide film, of course, so you can put together a carousel show for the neighbors. Bring a basic 3£mm with a long lens, in case the police make you stand far away (they can be so fussy). And no need to hurry the focusing—one thing about dead bodies, they tend to hold very still.
Q. What about souvenirs?
A. Usually it's unwise to try to collect souvenirs from a crime scene. Bullet fragments, shell casings, hair samples, ski masks, money satchels, bloody clothing—sure, the stuff would look swell in the rec room next to your bowling trophies. But, please, the crime lab gets first dibs.
Q. Do we have to bring our own food?
A. Meals and munchies are rarely served at major crime scenes, except for the occasional Sno-Cone vendor. If you're packing a picnic basket, finger food is best—chicken wings, ribs, tacos. Stuff you can heat up on the hibachi.
Q. Can we order some drinks?
A. Conveniently, many exciting homicides are committed in bars, and these establishments gladly serve bystanders. However, if the scene of the crime is a street or shopping mall, plan to bring a small Thermos—soft drinks and wine coolers are acceptable, though champagne is considered poor taste. The sound of the cork sets the cops on edge.
Q. What about wagering?
A. It's simply bad manners to make bets on how many days a body has been inside a car, the number of bullet holes, the length of the victim's rap sheet, or the amount of cash and cocaine in his pockets.
Q. How do we know when to applaud?
A. Some say you should clap when the body bags come out, others say hold the ovation until the coroner leaves. In any case, shouting out "Yo, Quincy!" is considered rude, as is coaxing the crowd into doing The Wave.
And please—no boat horns or cowbells. Have some respect.
The mysterious death of Claude, the sheep dog
February 6, 1987
Last summer, Miami lawyer Frank Furci shot and killed a neighbor's dog during an afternoon stroll.
It happened Aug. 8 in an affluent subdivision of Plantation. Furci was walking his Doberman Ginger, when he encountered Claude, a 73-pound French sheep dog with allergies.
Seconds later, for reasons still not clear, Furci pulled a .45-caliber handgun and shot Claude through the jugular vein with a low-velocity exploding bullet.
Jan Bongers, the man who was walking Claude, couldn't believe it. According to the police report, "the victim observed the dog crawling on the roadway … with the above [suspect] standing over the dog holding a handgun to the dog's head."
Bongers backed off, he said, when Furci pointed the gun at him.
After Furci went home, Bongers gathered the dying dog in his arms and ran for help. Neighbor Arlene Garren heard Jan shouting: "That guy just shot Claude! I don't believe the crazy bastard shot the dog!"
Bongers raced to a veterinary hospital with Claude comatose in the trunk of the car.
It was a bizarre incident with like repercussions. Furci now is charged with cruelty to animals and aggravated assault with a firearm, a felony for which he could get a mandatory three years—and be disbarred. However, his attorney happens to be his law partner, the one and only Roy Black.
The killing of Claude the sheep dog became a matter so grave that no less than Dr. Ronald K.Wright, Broward's chief medical examiner, performed the postmortem. "God, do I hate autopsying dogs," Dr. Wright testified.