I guess the lesson tonight is to never trust a bloodsucker. Still, it’s disappointing. We’ve stayed out of one another’s way for months, and now suddenly we’re in West Side Story. I set the donuts in the bed of a pickup truck and consider my options, which doesn’t take long. I’m surrounded. It’s all of them against me, and nowhere to run. Fight or die. And here I was thinking that no one could shovel more bullshit into a day like this.
There’s four of them. Two male and two female. They form a loose circle around me and walk in a slow spiral, tightening the circle with each step. Trying to psych me out. It might work too if two of the bloodsuckers weren’t so nervous. An older woman and a boy with acne scars. It’s obvious they’re new to the vampire game. They probably tagged along to get some street experience.
One of them moves with predatory calm. He’s the leader. He has a young face, with his hair frizzed out in a white-boy ’fro. He’s wearing a red military jacket with shiny satin pants and pointy boots. The kid’s got a serious Jimi Hendrix complex. One of the women is decked in expensive custom-tailored Goth gear. The older woman and the acne kid are strictly thrift store. Note to self: the Goth girl has sharp steel tips on the toes of her boots.
I’m waiting for the gang to make a move and they’re waiting for me. Weird. They should be all over me by now. I’m not going to give them any satisfaction by throwing the first punch. As long as the donuts are safe, I can take my time.
The older woman comes at me first, hands up like claws, hissing like she’s watched too many late-night monster movies. I sidestep and kick her in the ass as she goes by, sending her sprawling into a Prius. The alarm goes off, which is really annoying because it covers up the sound of feet coming up behind me.
Goth girl comes at me next. Like I thought, she’s more experienced than the kid and the other woman. Her nails are sharpened, so she does the claw thing too, but comes at me low and fast, aiming for my gut. Trying to disembowel me like a cat. When I move to block her, she tags me in the thigh with one of her pointy boots. It hurts like a son of a bitch. I think she drew blood. Dumb of me to let her do it.
The acned kid is next. He leaps in the air and comes down like a fucking banshee, his heavy work boots aimed at my face. The circle is tight enough now that I can’t easily sidestep him. I have to slip him at the last minute, let his feet sail by but catch some of his weight on my chest, throwing me onto my back. He tries to jump me again and I catch him with my boots and flip him over, right into Goth girl. I wait for Hendrix to make his move, but he just gives me a white-fang smile.
When he’s just out of my peripheral vision, he tries to jump me. Like the Goth girl, he’s more experienced. I throw a back kick and he spins around it with incredible vampire speed. But I’m fast too. When I see him spin, I duck and put my shoulder into him, right about in balls territory.
This is the weirdest gang fight I’ve ever been in. I think they’re playing with me. Instead of rushing me all at once, they’re coming in one at a time like we’re in an old Shaw Brothers movie. Maybe this is someone’s idea of a good time, but it’s not mine.
The older woman rushes me again. I imitate her boss and spin out of the way. Normally, this is something I never do. Don’t turn your back on the enemy. But some rules are made to be broken. The spin covers my hand going into my coat for the na’at. It shoots it out like a qiang spear, and she’s moving so fast she steps right into it. The blade splits her face open. She screams as her lower jaw wobbles in the breeze, hanging on by a few strands of gray meat.
Maybe the woman is the acne kid’s aunt or something. He comes at me in a blind fury. Perfect. Dumb. His gives me the chance to do something I haven’t done in months. I put the butt of the na’at into his chest, just hard enough to stun him for a second. When I step behind him, I stab the na’at so the tip goes all the way through his back and comes out between his ribs. When I twist the grip, the end opens in three backward-facing hooks. I lean my weight into it and snap the na’at back as hard as I can. The kid is still pawing himself as I rip out his spine, a trick Brigitte taught me back when we were hunting zombies. The kid has just enough time to reach back and touch his bare vertebrae before his torso collapses and he falls to ashes, kicking up a spray of fine powder. I cough up a lungful of the toothy bastard.
“Whoa,” yells Jimi Hendrix. He raises his hands, the bottom one straight up and the other across the top like a T.
“Time out, man. Time out. What the fuck did you do to Phil?”
“I killed his dumb dead ass.”
“Why?”
“Golly, Mr. Rogers. A bunch of bloodsuckers kick and punch a guy long enough he starts to think he’s being attacked.”
“You are such an asshole. We were just fooling around.”
The Goth girl holds a lace-gloved hand close to her mouth. She says, “We’re in trouble, man.”
“No shit, Sherlock,” says Hendrix.
“You kids want to clue me in on what just happened?”
Hendrix puts his hands on his head and does an exasperated three-sixty turn.
“Fuck. We were supposed to deliver a message and just thought we’d have some fun first.”
“And I spoiled things. Sorry. What’s the message?”
“Nnnhhnn,” says the older woman, trying to talk while holding her broken jaw in place.
“The message?”
Hendrix looks at me like he’s bouncing back and forth between totally panicked and numb.
“Tykho wants to see you at the club tomorrow night.”
Tykho is the new boss of the Dark Eternal. I heard a freelance Bela hunter staked Jaime Cortázar, the old boss. Too bad. He once gave me an attaché case full of hundred-dollar bills. I gave him free movie rentals at Max Overdrive. But Tykho’s okay. Smart too. Like Cortázar, she once assured me that “Dark Eternal” sounds a lot scarier in Latin.
“If Tykho is summoning me to demand to buy the 8 Ball, she can kiss my ass and your ass, and she can dig up Gary Cooper and kiss his ass too.”
“She didn’t say anything about wanting to buy anything. It sounded more like she has something for you.”
Interesting. Vampires aren’t the giving type.
“Okay. What time?”
“Midnight.”
“Seriously? A vampire queen wants to meet me at midnight?”
Hendrix shrugs.
“She likes to watch Leno.”
“Fine. I’ll be there.”
“ ‘Fine. I’ll be there,’ ” says the Goth girl in a high, mocking, nasal voice. She shakes her head while she talks. “I’m not telling Tykho about this. She told you to give the creep the message. I’m not even supposed to be here.”
“Are we done?”
Hendrix shoots me the finger.
I nod to the ashes.
“Good night, Phil.”
I get the bag of donuts from the pickup truck and head to the Chateau. A crowd is watching us through Donut Universe’s recently repaired front window.
From behind me the older woman says, “Nnnhhhnnn.”
“What did she say?”
“She said fuck you sideways, asshole,” yells Hendrix.
LATER, KASABIAN IS back tapping on the computer, watching Hell through his peeper like it’s an old rerun of I Love Lucy. Candy is curled up next to me on the sofa. Too many donuts and too much wine have put her in a food coma. I want to get drunk, so I don’t. I drink black coffee and light up another Malediction.
What am I doing agreeing to go for cigars and brandy with a hundred vampires on their turf? What the hell kind of life is this? Is this what I came back from Hell for? Is the marginal existence I’ve carved out for myself going to get Candy and the others killed the way it got Alice killed?
I keep thinking that if I try to act more like a person, I’ll be less of a monster, but at night most of my dreams are about the arena and being Lucifer. Instead of running around asking questions, I’d rather be cutting off heads. But I won’t. Not even Nasrudin Hodja’s. Pick and choose your fights, that’s what Wild Bill said, and I know in my heart of hearts he’s right. A war with the Cold Cases would take over my life, and what would I get from it? A pile of skulls and a bit of idiot glee. That’s not enough anymore. The moment I admitted that I was connected to the people around me and this world, that life was over. Still, I feel like I could go off at any minute. I’m not sure which is the real me anymore. The reasonable guy who can sit in a bar without hitting anyone or the guy giving idiots compound fractures because no one will cough up the 8 Ball.